week 2, advice

 continued

1. Just because the road is one way doesn't mean there won't be cars coming from the other way

2. Just because an area is a pedestrian walkway doesn't mean there won't be cars

3. Yeah, no, that road is closed today and maybe tomorrow. Or not.

4. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Israelis don't know how to set up properly laid out/constructed websites

5. Here's a quick guide for dealing with the US (East Coast) while trying to get things done here: You have (at best) between 3PM and 4:30PM (IST) to get things done. Before that, it isn't yet 8AM in the US. After that it is generally not business hours in Israel. There is a little flexibility as some offices in the US open earlier and some businesses here (depending on the day) might close earlier or later. Sapiens sat.

6. Hydrogen peroxide and rubbing alcohol are behind the pharmacy counter. My sister warned me of this but I, being a dutiful older brother, did not heed her wise words.

7. the plugs in your place are all the Type C (2 prong) or H (3 prong) but it looks like small digital clocks no longer use either of those and if they plug in at all, it is to a USB A wall plug. Maybe a USB C but I'm not sure about that. So unless you are in a place that has integrated USB into the wall plugs, you will need to buy an adapter. Or battery power, which I hate.

8. What they call a credit card (from whomever you get it) isn't a credit card. It is a bank-debit card, but it removes the money from your bank account at the end of the billing cycle. You might end up spending a lot more and you won't run out of "credit" because they don't add it up and compare it to your account balance until the end of the month. If you have multiple cards, they draw directly from the bank. Sure, you don't have to worry about paying a bill because the money is applied directly, but you have no way of knowing how "close" you are to your account balance until the end of the month.

9. You don't need as many clothes as you think you do -- washing machines are smaller so you will do loads more often. 

10. Bring twist ties. When I collected all the assorted twist ties I had lying around it numbered in the hundreds. So I threw them out. Huge mistake. Trust me. If you don't need them, I do.

11. This item will be discussed in a separate post which will be posted before this one. So if you are reading this, go back in time and read the other post, then come back here. Thanks.

12, If you go to a catered event, you still have to tip your waiter. Really. 

13. I don't know where you grew up, but I am used to having access to a car or not needing to go anywhere. a walk of a mile or two is considered no big deal so looking for some place "close" might mean something very different. And the hills. Everywhere is up. 

14. Building numbers are not always apparent and even less often, logical.

15. To pay for public transport, you need to get a Rav kav card or set up the moovit app to charge your credit card. I have a card but just set up the app and haven't tested it yet. Once I fail at that, I shall report back.

16. A4 is the paper size. Get used to slight longer and slightly thinner. Like life.

17. Even if you give a particular address, if your building has 2 different addresses, the delivery guy will go to the other, less convenient one.

18. Arnona is a neighborhood and also your "property tax". And a dessert topping, no doubt. Did I mention that neighborhoods have more than one name? Well they do. Renters pay an arnona even though they don't own property. It isn't cheap. So when you figure out your rent, realize that your monthly cost will be larger because you have to pay the arnona. It can be paid in a lump sum or in monthly installments.

19. I have yet to find anything that resembles a dry cleaner. Just saying.

20. Here's a good one -- I usually (clearly, "used to") send my shirts to be laundered at the dry cleaners and they were returned on hangars. I accumulated so many hangars and worked hard to get rid of them. Well, since no dry cleaners here I'll launder my own shirts. But I have no hangars on which to dry them. So, yeah. Hangars. Bam.

21. I don't know where you live but there is construction there. 

This one goes to 11

 Sometimes when I'm trying to get a handle on the whole aliyah thing, I reach levels of self awareness which should be saved for a therapist appointment. But as I, as of yet, don't have a therapist, you all will have to do.

I think that an important part of growing up is reaching an understanding of the self. This isn't about giving up, but about working within reasonable limits and being aware enough of one's own strengths and weaknesses. I'm very much aware of those. So let's discuss the implications, shall we.

When I was a just a little boy, I, as part of a larger family unit, lived in Jerusalem. I was 7-ish and trusted that the world made sense. Then one day, through no fault of anyone's I found out that there were more rules than I knew and I ended up on a public bus headed for Tel Aviv. That was not my plan, but the bus and I diverged on other important points, so this makes sense. Eventually, I was returned to my parents but I have been skittish about public transportation ever since. And truth be told, I probably was before hand also. I think that others, faced with the same fact pattern might have responded differently but since I was already predisposed to living life in fear, this just made it all seem so much worse. In the US, I rarely took trains, and almost never took buses. I get nervous. Heck, I get nervous when the timer goes off on the microwave, but this was on another level. So was it caused by my childhood experience of just exacerbated by it?

That fear/anxiety is a pervasive characteristic. I fear getting lost, I fear the judgment of all people who look at me as lost and see another idiot. I fear ending up somewhere unknown. Now my kids are fearless and maybe this is a function of the ubiquitous phone service but I just never was the type to go explore the unknown. It isn't a singular concept -- I don't have a brain for math, or geography or spatial relations (as it applies to geography) and I have never been good about remembering names and details and learning a language has always been a chore that I found it easier to fail at than not. I was just never wired for that. As an adult, these same issues shadow me constantly but instead of totally freezing up, I live within my limits and accommodate them when I over-plan. Spontaneity has never been my thing because I like to have control over situations and to prepare for the worst. I don't think this has put too much of a hold on the important things I have wanted to do. I just approach them differently and process them differently.  I do have strengths but part of being a good teacher is realizing that I can't expect others to agree that some things are easy just because they are easy for me.

And now, as I approach my 50-somethingth year, I also know that any neuroplasticity which I might have had as a youngster has long since hardened. I am working hard to maintain my failing grasp on the things I know how to do. Adding in more just isn't in the cards and I'm ok with that. Does this mean I can't learn something new? Well, this old dog has no interest in new tricks but I can form new habits as long as I'm mindful and aware of what I'm doing all the time. It is a grind, but I have to create new pathways and burn them in via constant repetition. This takes work. So I need to be very conscious about what new things I am focusing on. Gone are the days of passive absorption. Any "growing" at this age is really intentional and not by osmosis.

Moving, as you could well imagine, is a big deal for anyone, but moreso for someone with my limitations. But moving to Israel includes any number of triggering challenges. My language acquisition is for the birds (uhmerikin birds, thankyouverymuch), and learning where things are and how they are connected to other places is a double problem. Mix those together and add in that bus routes change at the drop of a jackhammer and street names change on the fly (and buildings have more than one address?) and you have a whole lotta mental shaking going on. Also, my temperament guides me away from human interaction in order to protect my fragile ego. I don't like looking the fool by not being able to communicate. And don't get me started on confrontation. Please. I just want to sit back and expect that things will go forward in a predictable fashion and in a proper way. These are also traits often absent from the "live in Israel" experience.

Change and growth are a process and I grant that I cannot blunder blindly ahead using my American standards and privilege and expect the world to bow to my whim. I would like it if there was a bit more of a less severe learning curve, and more explanation of various steps along the way. (take classes to learn the language but to do so, fill out forms that require you know the language already) It seems that people expect me automatically to know things as some sort of common sense even though there is no rational reason to expect that I would. And maybe people who are more "go with it" types can pick up stuff quickly but that's not my strength and it isn't suddenly andmiraculously going to become my strength. It isn't that I don't want to know all the things but that the volume of unwritten rules is rather extensive and until I know them, I just don't, and in the meanwhile, life goes on, expecting me to know all those things.

There are things to do and ways to do them. Knowing either of those is a challenge but knowing both is the kind of combination that isn't happening for me. In a culture which expresses frustration freely and rewards aggressiveness in communication, I'm cooked. 

There are groups and publications that give out info and help and such and I'm not decrying them. I'm just saying that in addition to each person's experience's being different, each person is different and what makes sense or is easy for one person is a very big ask for someone else. This is not a cop out, or a sign of complete resignation, but an admission of who I am and what I am capable of, each step of the way.

So, at the tender age of mid to late 50's, I accept that I understand spoken Hebrew to some degree, but I don't have the vocabulary or mental quickness to respond in kind, and my brain, while it will eventually pick up some more words and phrases, is not going to learn the language the way it did in 1976. And while I'm learning, I'm still going to have to use various translation methods to make the most mundane spam (or it might be a necessary document for my job) become intelligible, and that will slow me down by a factor of about a million (I just spent 10 minutes figuring out how to get some AI thing to translate an image/sign I got in my mail. Finally I found out that there is no reason it was sent to me; it often takes time for me to understand the email header so every email in Hebrew seems vitally important and I can't reflexively delete any).

I now return you to item 12 on my list.

The Wording Way

 I enjoy sleeping but sometimes I forget how and these last few days have 12 to 13 of these times. The good thing about not sleeping is that my brain has all those extra hours to just keep scraping the bottom of the barrel so I end up with thoughts that maybe would have been better served being forgotten. But no, I unlock the back rooms of my brain when I lack the sleep that my brain needs to exercise any judgment or self-control. So don't say I didn't warn you. OK, say it. Who cares? I'm practically a zombie at this point except I can't stomach brains, or vice versa.

I was thinking about a phrase I hear bandied about -- history doesn't repeat itself but it rhymes (attributed variously to Mark Twain and y'know, that guy who wrote about Tom Sawyer, whatever his name is). So I got to thinking, sure, it rhymes, but with what? Mystery? Blistery? Are these things that history should be proud of? And so what if it rhymes with "blistery"? What does that get anyone?

But then I started considering that category of words that do not have rhymes. I felt bad about that -- why deprive them? All those words like month, purple, silver, orange, ninth, pint, wolf, opus, dangerous, marathon and discombobulate, they must be lonely. I bet they have some sort of support group to help them cope. And then, when someone comes up with a potential rhyme, the word feels seen, and doesn't show up to the next meeting. Invariably he comes back when the public decides that nurple isn't really a word; purple slinks back to the group session with all the other words saying nothing but silently scolding him for holding out that phantom hope, secretly glad he came back in a jealous way. And he knows. He knows.

Do words with rhymes (the "benefits" of the dictionary set include rhyming groups) bully words without rhymes? That seems mean. What lesson are we teaching our kids? Check your privilege!

Those words, as I see it, are the prime numbers of the rhyming world. They rhyme with nothing but themselves and the number one. I wonder if there is a similar formula so that scientists can compute  then next prime word in the sequence. If there isn't, someone should invent that and win the Nobel Prize for lexical mathematics (a sadly under-rated field usually only represented by Gematria nerds).

Learning by doing

 So today was another opportunity for me to assess local culture an practices while spending a lot of money at the same time. Like doing psychology field work by buying expensive perfumes and seeing their effect on teen aged boys. Or something like that. My head is a bit fuzzy and for a bald guy, that's a thing to think about. The jet lag, mixed well with some free floating anxiety and who knows what else inspired me (by lack of choice) to pull an all-nighter last night. I used to do that weekly in college but I sense something in me has changed and pulling an all-nighter has an impact on me which makes me even more unfit for human interaction.

So, first, an addendum to the previous post about what I learned. Here is a new one:

I don't know where you live but there is construction right by you. And there will be at least one, if not twelve road closures unadvertised, prompting cars to make K turns in a country in which people clearly don't know the shape of the letter K.

But I gress. It isn't a hill I'll di on.

My sister in law and my niece came over today for a tour of the apartment. That took the whole 2 minutes (we saw one room twice) and then they took me on an outing. First we went to a very local patisserie where I got a cup of cold decaf (2nd time's a charm...first time they put milk in it) and there were cheeses, cappuccino, rolls and eggs and olives and caramel and some sort of spreadable cheese. Heidi added some pepper to her eggs, and an insane woman came by (we were eating outside) and said unspeakable things about me and my family, but always with a smile. So that was fun.

Then we went to Osher Ad, the supermarket.  Step one was to walk to the car and leave the parking lot. We had to wait as the woman in front of us was clearly having an extended relationship with the computer system that controlled the gate. Eventually it was our turn to get frustrated at an inanimate object. Then off to the land of make bereave. The cultural differences started appearing. First, there is so much construction going on and the roads, congested 2.5 lane roads, are everywhere making all driving, and especially left turns, harrowing. If you don't know what .5 of a lane is, you haven't watched Israeli drivers. Next, parking -- the underground lot wasn't a "rows and aisles" kind of place. In the same way that the streets of Jerusalem are winding and interwoven, the passages in the lot were seemingly random. Next, the shopping carts have all four wheels that can turn, so that's neat. But for each step of shopping, you need to be on the lookout for pitfalls and obstacles. My niece was adept and the prep, knowing to get a scanner and a cart with a scanner-holder. I wouldn't have had any idea about scanners, but here is the dealio: Most (younger?) scan each item as it goes into the cart, and take the scanner up with the cart to the self-checkout area, place the cart on the scale and somehow mind-meld the scanner with the scale so see if the weight corresponds to the receipt. We were off by 1 liter of milk which I had forgotten to scan in. It is a very different set of muscle movements -- you don't just find something and put it in your cart -- you have to stop and scan it first, and let me tell you, that if you aren't used to doing it, you forget really easily. My niece had to keep reminding me and I felt like a tool most of the time because I had no idea what I was doing. I pestered them with questions.

Side note, older people use the regular check out but the cashiers are not always focused on the job and the older people get preference on line so if you are waiting and a senior citizen shows up, you get pushed back.

Then you go through the store which seems more like a Target (in terms of the breadth of things available and the layout of aisles) than a Shop Rite. Thing is, I really, really understand Shop Rite. I know what are good prices and preferred products. Here, the sizes are different, the currency is worth a different amount and the price-per 100 ml, or 1 kg or 100 g or whatever is unfamiliar. [I asked a student to make an app which would allow me to compare across units of measure and currencies. I didn't use it in the store because there was too much demanding my attention. But here it is.] So the task is to figure out you would have bought in the US, find what is the closest equivalent is to it (some times and some stores have American items available but those often cost more) and then compare prices per unit. This requires reading the signs and  figuring out what I'm looking for. There is an entirely new set of words that I will need n order to buy the basics and I don't know most of those words. So the shopping is very slow and I have to consider if I want to buy something now or next week, if I want to have to carry that in and up the stairs, or if a difference in quality is worth the difference in price. Each is a unique decision. In many areas, the aisles feel a little closer together and people will scoot around you, cut you off and bump into you (with shopping carts). And also with their cars. Just saying.

I'm the sensitive sort, willing to defer, willing to help and make others' live easier. Which makes me the national mascot, the Door Mat.  Every decision is involved in a game of chicken. I feel I hyperventilated only 3 times so that's make "before." Let's see if, in a year, I do so less often.

And if you buy meat, you have to choose it, put it on a scale, scan it with the special meat scanner, then print up a receipt and scan it with your shopping cart-scanner. Had they not have been there to save my facon, I don't know how I would have figured most of this out. They warned me that buying fresh vegetables would lead to a separate process so I made the sacrifice of not buying produce that was not in cube or powder form. Gosh I'm altruistic.

The general avoidance of things that smack of courtesy made me want to overcompensate by being more amenable an forgiving. This causes me frustration but, I hope, reduces it for others. That attitude is why I was voted "Most likely to shut the hell up" 6 years running, and running fast.

Heidi and B-7 were invaluable in knowing whether the prices are reasonable and whether certain brands or products were desirable or junk. I took their various advices seriously because I really do know that I don't know. I don't know WHAT I don't know, but there is definitely a lot of somethings. More sage niece advice about needing to go through a post-checkout payment at a kiosk that has space for your scanner or else you get stuck. After the maze of the store and the guys checking receipts and people stopping mid aisle to pack their carts (sorry about that to everyone behind me) you go up these magnetic ramps with your cart held in place and go to your car (making your parking choice important) and you pack up and return the cart so you get your money back. I'm glad they had change for the cart. If I remember correctly, you get the first 2 hours of parking free and then costs accrue. On the way out, more construction, more horrible traffic and wild drivers and closed roads (plus one that was one lane wide (with cars parked on both sides) and 2 directional traffic. Just getting back seemed like a nightmare. But my niece helped me move my bags up and then I started my list of things I still need:

decaf tea bags

hydrogen peroxide

rubbing alcohol

bedside digital clocks

plus I need to go to the bank and pick up my Israeli credit card. You can tell it is Israeli because the card asks you if you packed your own shopping cart.

It is overwhelming and on no sleep, over that. I ended up spending a reasonable amount of money for what turned out to be 4 bags worth of food and food stuffs.

I am indebted to my SIL and niece for shepherding me through the experience, and now I feel comfortable never going back. I call that a success, at least until I get hungry again.

Things I have learned -- week one

1. Everything is smaller here. The oven is smaller. The streets are smaller. The sizes of foods are smaller. It reflects one's paycheck which is also smaller.

2. pride in workmanship is less stressed here. Even a very nice and updated apartment shows signs of corner cutting -- things that don't quite fit, or close or make sense. Here a punch list is the things you will have to live with going forward.

3. The attitude in bureaucratic situations is "this is the answer and if you have a follow up question, I will repeat my answer as I yell at you."

4. People in offices assume you know what to do next even when you have said you don't. I explained that I needed to register with the HMO so they said "ok, go over there" -- that was the language: "over there". Not exactly where or what I was going to do there. I wandered over to an area included in "over there" and so no sign telling me if I was supposed to do something or if I was in the wrong place. The screens that were supposed to give information weren't. Maybe I'm just too needy, but if they see I'm lost, someone should provide assistance. I ended up being directed by another patient.

5. There are a lot of cooks working on the broth, often from different cook books.

6. This is more of a selfish point, but if you are going to offer study materials to help people learn the language, put them on a web page which can appear in OTHER languages. If I need help to study it means I don't know enough to negotiate the webpage.

7. There is a LOT of 2-Factor authentication. 

8. Different people have different terms for the same thing/document so when someone asks you for something, you might have it but not know it. I was asked for a document proving X. I didn't have anything like that but I eventually found the document which stated Y, and Y was different from X so the woman said, "yes that's it!"

9. Everyone thinks he knows how to do everyone else's job. Often, while sitting at a meeting, I am asked for document X. I say "the other person didn't give me that document." The answer is "that person SHOULD have..."

10. Just because you have a US phone number doesn't mean that you can necessarily call the US and just because you have your American phone on local wifi doesn't mean you can access all the US websites (Verizon, I'm looking at you). As of now, I can't get in touch with Verizon or look at my account online or on the app. Audacy and IheartRadio don't work here for radio stations (even with VPN) but go to the WQXR website and you can stream classical music.

10a. So far, FM 88 is the only station worth listening to.

11. Keep a log of every meeting and phone interaction including action points, remaining issues and next steps. I did not do that -- I left myself a note saying I needed to get a particular document. I got it but now don't remember why I needed it and for whom I got it.

12. For a country with such a strong ethic of not jaywalking, people really misbehave in a movie theater. Talking, laughing and such, walking in late and standing in the middle, looking around, plus not only using the phone but having that light-flashing notification on the phones which keeps flashing throughout the movie. Also, just because your tickets says you are in seat 6, if you don't get there early enough, someone is going to sit in your seat and not move.

13. The English version of a website (not just a translation on your computer, but the English version offered by the source) is not always (read "rarely") the same as the Hebrew one so if you get directions from an Israeli they might not be possible to follow on the English site. This seems like a problem to me.

14. You get a LOT of filler text messages in some cases (buying a movie ticket leads to many texts and emails but not just ads -- reminders of the upcoming film start time) but no communication or updates on important things.

15. You know how you were squished on the flight? Get used to it. Everything is smaller (including stores) so forget about personal space (and baseline courtesy). This is difficult for me as I was brought up deferring to others until it was my turn. It will never be my turn.

16. When you walk into a building, there is a reasonable chance that you are on Floor 0. Not floor 1, but floor zero. Go downstairs to floor -1. People in the basement really do live in minus.

17. For the Ministry of the Interior, you can make an appointment for an exact time or you can get an appointment made for you by a Jerusalem municipality rep with whom you will meet. A 3PM appointment means that you are in the 3PM group. The doors won't open until three and then you go up 2 flights and wait with the 3PM people until you are called. You can't arrive early and you don't have anything more than a group appointment and then whichever cubicle you are sent to.

18. The Ministry of the Interior wants originals AND COPIES. I don't have a copy machine. Advice -- take all your important documents (apostille'd ones) and make photocopies and bring them.

19. You will need 2 passport pictures for the Temporary booklet at the airport but you can't use more of those pictures at the ministry -- they take their own.

20. For some reason, I was asked for 2 "security documents." I had the apostille'd FBI background check and I know nothing of any other but the woman seemed certain that I was supposed to have another. She got up to go "check." This brings up a different point -- even though people are sincere in wanting to help, they aren't always flexible or able to pivot, or show any empathy for the fact that you (well, I) are new to all this, nervous and just following a list given to me elsewhere. None mentioned 2 security documents. There are other documents you will get at the airport. Save and bring everything because they will ask for other documents and tell you you don't need the ones you brought.

20a. As soon as anything presents a bump, even if it is something which you were not told to be ready for, people act like it is the newest and worst thing, ever. I can't have been the first immigrant to sit in that chair with only 1 security document but she seemed perplexed as to why I only had 1 and troubled by it so she had to get up and check.

21. Everything takes two tries but sometimes, each try takes 25 tries.

22. Age is no barrier to wearing inappropriate clothing. Both 6 year olds and 75 year olds want to look like 19 year olds.

23. Pack a printer and some paper and lots of manilla folders. This place loves printed documents.

Ulpan Pizza

As I begin to settle in I am confronting my own inability to speak Hebrew. I understand it at the level of a 10 year old (if you speak slowly enough) but I really feel horrible speaking it. Everyone (well, many people) says that you have to feel comfortable making mistakes because that's how you will get better. My concern is grammar and vocabulary. I don't have the lexicon of words to communicate the invariably bizarre  ideas running through my head. I don't know the idioms or the slang so I'm afraid I will say something egregiously wrong. Had my kid not corrected me about the different connotations of various words that we learned to mean "finish" I would have been making lewd comments to everyone simply because in my many years of education, no one accounted for the evolution of normative language.

So the solution might be simply to tough it out, make my mistakes, own them, and learn to speak. My other option is to remain pig-headed about it; I will understand what I understand and adamantly refuse to speak, justifying it as more efficient (in an area where Israelis know some English -- more than I know Hebrew) and as an educational experience for THEM -- practicing English with a native speaker. I should be passing out a bill for services rendered when I give them practice time.

However, I have come up with a new method which can benefit the entire community of Hebrew learners (and even of Israeli learners of English). People here go out to eat. That's a thing people do. Some restaurants are more popular with English speaking people than others because of the ease of ordering in a native language. I would suggest that a group which provides Ulpan classes (an immersive Hebrew classroom experience) partners with a restaurant to post signs as follows:

food items (such as on a menu, at a salad bar, or a fixings area) are labeled in English, Hebrew (and possibly transliterated into English as well?) and either posted on/behind the counter, or printed in a menu addendum. There would be properly worded common phrases that an English speaker can use with the confidence that they are vetted by the Israelis so there is little fear of saying them wrong. I am thinking of a sign with the proper and current way of ordering a food ("I would like a ______ with _____..."). Now, remember, different restaurants have different workers who might expect a slang or more "vulgar" wording (eliminating "I want" because when you walk into a pizzeria you just say "one slice" and not the more formal "I would like...") so one would become accustomed to different wordings, all acceptable. These conversational phrases IN USE are much more relevant to invented and sanitized workbook scenarios. A person might return to a restaurant to get more comfortable with ordering so the venue increases traffic, and the Ulpan service gets a reputation for teaching practical Hebrew and being Ulpan friendly.

The signs could be temporary so the restaurant could have "Ulpan night" or the signs could just be part of the decor so that no one has to feel awkward about having to order on any day of the week. We learn by repetition and having these phrases available during the repetition will help engrain them in our heads so after a few meals, we can order (at least at THAT place) comfortably in Hebrew.

Additional idea -- on Ulpan Night, the consumer can expect that the workers will respond in a simplified and slower Hebrew so that one has time to consider and respond properly.

Repentance

 Please let me be the first to usher us all into the high holiday season with a thought about repentance. I have come up with an understanding which strengthens me in my yearly quest to improve and I'd like to share it with you.

I was sitting at my computer while eating a sandwich. My wardrobe was pretty much boring. A worn out, dark blue 3 button polo and black khaki pants of an indeterminate cut, waist or size. Athletic fit with a history of husky, I think. The sandwich was a whole wheat roll with some slices of slow roast turkey topped with yellow mustard. Boring, sure, but I was on the move and had to travel light* so turkey and not much else with a cuppa water on the side. It gave me time to sit, stare off into the dust over the Keurig and let my mind drift and at that moment I felt something end up on my leg, as if my sandwich had somehow released something onto me. Jarred back to reality, I looked down to see a glob of mustard. Big glob. Yellow mustard on my pants. These weren't my old knock around black khakis. Now, these were a recent purchase and I manipulated the wear/laundry cycle so that this particular pair could serve as the "day before" pants -- second place over all but no one was going to catch "traditional khaki" and maybe no one ever should.

So I grab the nearest semi clean paper napkin and smear right across it. Some sticks, some doesn't and some even smears, making it worse. So you wipe some more. You try different things. In similar situations, this worked. Maybe, this. And sometimes one DOES. But the next time and the next, it doesn't. You keep trying.

That's teshuva. We want to get back to that perfect "new" pair of black khakis so we try to fix and we do get a good percentage done on the first pass. But sometimes, fixing one thing has consequences that also have to be considered. And maybe we have stop-gap measures or we cover it up but eventually we are going to have to go to a place with more resources and other people who can help. Expand the time frame  -- immediately after something has happened we take care of most. Is that in the first moment or the first year? Daily repentance might get the spot fully clean or it might get an "it isn't perfect but I appreciate the work you did to get it to this point". But we also have special days at fixed intervals, we use the laundry machine or go to the dry cleaner. Different methods, same goal, all reflect effort. In every prayer and with every prayer we show intent, scratching at some corner before it becomes a stain.

And me? I'm not the same guy. I see the stain everywhere. I regret the decision to eat. I curse how distracted I was -- not that there isn't time for that but this wasn't it. And if the next time I wear clothes, I pay a little more attention, then that might not wipe the stain away, but it will show that you know how to keep yourself clean.

So we wipe ourselves clean after every meal with our prayers and the pants stay almost sort of kind of not unlike the black khakis that I love so much that I named them. I chose the name "Mick". If you were expecting anything else, maybe YOU are the problem. Anyhoo, teshuva is a steps-forward-steps-back kind of thing that we're all always doing, and we get so distracted that we forget that we need to keep our eyes open. It is a process not a place; there is no there there; it's all always here. The pants DO get cleaner on the whole and maybe they even get them back to the closest they can get to new, but what matters is that every attempt was a sincere attempt to get them clean. Maybe there's a stain on them, maybe not. Maybe it is one only I see. But I'll never stop trying to make it better.

Maybe I'm not the perfect Jew I was but I try every day to be as Jewish as I can be.

We can get credit for a job well done, or a job done well, or even a job well, "done." Or even just for showing up for work.

*as those of you who know me and my history know, there are other reasons for the beef based confusion which explains my poorest of poor boys but that's a story for another story