I’m Losing My voice, mind and temper

Here's what doesn't make sense. So I'm losing my voice. I start to talk and it sounds, well to be honest, it sounds ridiculous. Then people ask "what happened to your voice?" How the hell do I know? It was there one day and now it's gone. I can't explain the science behind it. Just say "oh, you're losing your voice. That's so sexy." (or something similarly flattering) and I'll be fine with that.

 

Sheesh.

A pun in the arse

I just thought of this one last night and see no record of it online.

What do you call the salary of someone who captains a boat in France?

The wages of Seine.

2 puns, one Hebrew/English

If you don't get these, don't worry about it. If you do, start worrying.

1. My car crashed into some slithy toves. So I called a portmanteau truck.

2. I am starting a new business. People come in and participate in making personalized sukkah decorations. I am calling it "Let's make Some Noy's"

get it? נוי

anyway...

More sizes available

OK...so I got that one out of my system, but meanwhile, I came upon a few more:

1. Chartering a wide-body

2. Adding on a wing

3. Earning a greater market share

4. Exploiting the masses

5. Becoming one with the universe

Size doesn't matter

Over the years, I have gained a bit of weight. Life goes on and, despite my urge to stay as thin as I was back in college, I have added a bit here and there. Not for lack of dieting, but mostly for complete lack of will power and a taste for all things yummy. I have, therefore, been putting together a list of euphemisms for putting on that weight which will make me feel that what I have done is more socially acceptable. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. Scoring higher on the FAT's
2. Broadening my horizons
3. Becoming more of a man
4. Filling out my forms
5. Weighing in on the matter
6. Thinking locally, acting globally
7. Jelly Roll Morton
8. Driving the roundabout
9. Seeing other sizes
10. Pushing the envelope
tied with
10. Testing the outer limits

I thought I was so brilliant. I thought I had it all figured out.

Turns out I did but the world is out to get me.

2 shabbos puns

1. I was informed by my host that there was a large bottle of vodka in the freezer, so I said "take me to your liter."

2. We were concerned that an urn had ashes of a dearly departed relative, so we asked (ready? this will be funnier to Ashkenazim)

"If we knock this over, will there be a 'mess' on the floor?"