Sunday, December 31, 2023

Unflipping believable

 I have bemoaned in the past that current youth interaction with the internet eliminated accidental reading but until I find the link to it, it will not be on the test. What I'm saying is that the entire nature of TV has changed so they will miss your jargon and cultural references or insist you are making stuff up. An important formative skill will be lost -- channel flipping.

From the earliest "remotes" (including younger siblings) to much more modern marvels you could move between channels with a relative consistency and efficiency. We developed favorites, and patterns. We anticipated plot twists and timed ourselves to be where we needed to be, when we needed to be there. We memorized numbers and combinations, often never knowing the actual name of the channel, just its letter or number. As the years progressed, we had to learn more and more numbers and combinations, but that is the price we pay for a free society. With tax. But this taught us how to retain important information.

But today, if I'm watching a football game on one streaming service but want to bounce to my cable company's cooking channel during the commercials. If I do that, then to get back to the football game isn't just a matter of hitting the "last" button because to open an app every single time is a onerous demand. Every time I do I feel like I have to solve a level of Zork just to get to the install screen. And when it finally logs you in, it takes you to the front page and you have to find your way to where you were tryoing to go initially. If he remembers. Then TV system does the same thing it does every time -- spinny circle, blank screen and then the proper feed. There we go, and....Dang. The ball game just hit the 2 minute warning. I want to check out that recipe and see how it ends! and repeat. No one will want to flip (a boon to advertisers who buy time and anticipate an expected loss of viewership at commercial -- now that bouncing is prohibitively annoying more eyes will stay on the ad) so maybe this is to encourage us to buy more TVs and computers? Go to sports bars? Maybe this is so the tech people can create a need that the nex-gen tech can solve! Yeah and they already have the solution in boxes, ready to be shipped at a premium.

I dunno but I'm pretty sure its a conspiracy.

Sunday, December 24, 2023

A fan letter

 Sir -- 

I wanted to drop a note of thanks for your contribution to not just the dominant culture but to the dialect, the common cultural patois, the communication of the collective consciousness which comes from and touches our souls and the gestalt memory of our community.

I found myself late this evening lazing on the ersatz chesterfield adorning my parlor feeling a "mite peckish" as the Bard wrote. Living the solitary existence, I spend time oft stretched out, contemplating my childhood -- summers at the Y and a vacation cabin of Lincoln Logs, and I lack the companionship that would provide a steady and exploitable resource of creator and conveyance of comestibles when the pangs set in. I recalled an adventure of the previous even, when a chance encounter with a local butcherman (as he is commonly known in the market square) who presented me with a pre-shaped and seasoned mound of chopped meat for to be baked. It had been so and it sat in the safety of the icebox, awaiting application of heat to bring it back to the land of the edible.

So, sans a spouse for proxy retrieval (and as I am orphaned currently, bereft of parents both lost to the ravages of disease) and reluctant to arise from the repose and comfort furniture oft provides, I arched my back and, without engaging conscious thought, yelled, "Ma, the meatloaf!" And I sputtered a chortle at the inanity of my actions.

Though no delicacies appeared, I did achieve a moment of Zen awareness, looking at myself as if from the outside and realizing that I had somehow eternalized and internalized that creature of your wit and that phrasal child of your mind. You have won my respect and, dare I say, loyalty for your part in shaping my identity and comic field of experience.

So I tip my cap to you and say, "Thank you, Kevin Nealon!"

Sincerely and yours Etc,

Dan

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

In which I tell a joke

 

Imagine that there was a guy with the last name, "Chicken" and he meets a woman whose last name is "Nugget" and they get married. Then her last name would be "Chicken-Nugget" if they agreed to hyphenate their last names with his name first. And did I mention that her first name was "McDonald's"?

Hilarious, right?

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

The Cookie Review

 I'll start with background and a story.

The background -- I used to weigh less. I was more than a bit chonky in high school (all pizza and no girls makes Dan a fat boy) but I worked hard for the last year so that I could go to college and wear a pair of jeans like a normal person. For 4 years, I kept myself relatively slim, or even, dare I say, "svelte."

By the time I got hitched I was rocking a totally reasonable body. Then it all went to hell, but that's just because hell has a really excellent pizzeria. So I started packing on the el bee ess and went back to the primordial pleasantly plump. After the children came out I decided that I wanted to find a way to get back down to fighting weight. I anticipated fighting with the children, it seems. That might not have been the best attitude, but dagnabit, I am what I am. Usually.

I looked in to many different approaches to diet and settled on the one that made the least sense -- an Atkins-esque, low carb diet. And I stuck with it sort of for 20 plus years. Sometimes I was stricter on it than others, and I got time off for good behavior during vacations and holidays (and when I felt weak). But I always came back to it as my standard because, truth is, it has worked. I can get myself back to something around the lower end of my weight journey if I stick with the plan. Eat a cow everyday but god forbid I taste a single pretzel. There are rules about this.

A real deficiency is junk food. There are fake sweeteners and such but making stuff with them isn't easy. And fake flour? even harder. But I do it occasionally because a man's got to eat cookies sometimes. There have been attempts over the year but either they compromised on some necessary element of "food" or I compromised on my bottom line standards of what I was willing to eat. So when I found these "weighless cookies" that boasted zero net carbs, I was hooked. I bought a box and, that evening, scarfed them down like they were my business and thought, "well that was passable...I'll buy them again." So I go back to the store the next week and see them. Ever the optimist, I put two more boxes in my cart and went to check out. I get the sum and it seems way hi, so I look through the receipt and see that each of the boxes of cookies (6 each of three "flavors" with each cookie looking like a thicker quarter) is $25. Yeah. Well, I couldn't put them back so I figured I would save them for a special occasion and eat them slowly and deliberately. That was a mistake on every level.

Well, I ate another box recently but this time I took notes so I present to you my review:

I took a bite of the first group of cookies (the three flavors are "chocolate chip," "vanilla," and "marble." The last flavor was most authentic because you could really taste the marbles. After a bite or two, my mouth felt like it was engaged in 5 or 7 different allergic reactions at the same time. There was a weird bitterness and I'm not sure that cookies like this are supposed to be spicy. But it was a cookie so I persevered and ate all of them.

There are 18 cookies -- if that doesn't scream "single serving" then I don't know what does. Some of the bitterness was reduced by putting the cookies in the microwave (and turning the microwave on) for about 20 seconds. More bitterness can be removed by putting all the cookies in the garbage, forever.

As I continued to eat, the cookies became unpleasantly spicy and not in the good way. When I left them in the microwave for 30 seconds, they acquired a burnt flavor which was, considering the alternative, almost welcome. I kept eating, dreading each bite. Eventually, I took them out of the microwave and doused them with very low carb chocolate syrup. As delivery agents for the syrup, they were not complete failures. After finishing them all I realized that the three flavors are actually "painful," "Silly-Putty," and "angst." 

Anyone want a $25 box of cookies?

Monday, December 18, 2023

See me, hear me

 

I took some time yesterday to practice my "lying on the couch" skills. I put on some music to get me in the mood -- the particular streaming TV channel I found put the song lyrics up as the music played. I watched the lyrics go by, matching the music played and I realized just how stupid and poorly worded the lines often are. I also realized that the lyrics I apparently made up in my head years ago are actually better than what I found out the singer is actually singing.

The pedestal of "poetry" upon which I have consistently installed the musical verse as co-captain sets a standard, an expectation in my head of something that rises to the level of that ill-defined "poetic." The words are supposed to make some sense, even if that requires a poetic license when interpreting. But when Heart sings (in Barracuda, and I don't know which Wilson sister penned this) "you're gonna burn burn burn burn down to the wick" I must cry foul. Things don't burn TO the wick.

Some songs don't make any sense at all (semantically, syntactically, linguistically, contextually, conceptually, stylistically...) and in fact, if one were to separate the lyrics from the music and judge the words in that vacuum, the fact is that a lot of them are really, really bad.

I was under the impression that in certain cases, like in many songs by R.E.M., unintelligibility was the point, and if you could make out the words, there was no attempt to have them make sense. Good gag, fellows. Yay, Athens and all that. But when did Nirvana stop making sense? Sure, Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder was using intentionally non-sensical lyrics for Yellow Ledbetter, the Beatles turned the vocals around in Rain, the "words" to the closing theme of WKRP are supposed to make no sense and the conversation in the midst of Everlong was studio-tweaked so as to be impossible to understand but the run of the mill lyrics, when the writer/performer is making no effort to mask them, should paint pictures, or tell stories or somehow express a strong emotion. They should do something poetic, that is communicative with an awareness of form, banking on a shared set of meanings and understandings with the audience. Heck, once we found out what the lyrics to Louie, Louie were we learned that they tell a clear story. It just seems that so many of them don't do that!

Now wait, you are no doubt saying -- aren't there equally insipid, illogical or otherwise offensive pieces of non-musical "poetry"? Why lay this at the feet of lyricists when generations of bad poetry have been written. Here's a reason. Yes, bad poetry exists but can you name it? (not some well regarded poem that you, personally, don't like, but a bad poem that everyone agrees is bad but everyone likes anyway)

In poetry, the word (most of the time) is intrinsically important so the poem's success, its rise and fall, depends on that word and very little else. Fame is achieved after the gatekeepers of word and culture pass judgement and call the poet by that title. It might be a fluke of timing, but that poem has to touch people in a way that gives it legs in the public eye. The musician has his music as a top priority and this redeems the existence and burden of poor language skills (Rick Springfield's "the question's probably moot" I'm looking at you, and no, "probably mute" is just as bad). The point is that the poetic inanities sink based on the poverty of their core purpose as a collection of words, therefore standing much less of a chance of achieving popular awareness and acceptance and much more chance of remaining mired in the murky depths of ignominy.  But a "great song" might be composed of a quality melody saddled with words of lead but it will still rise to the top and enter the public sphere and consciousness by virtue of its music. So bad poetry exists but we stand much less chance of hearing about it.

Therefore, Aerosmith can write nonsense as its lyrical approach and still produce a hit so hook-laden that a Dr. a Captain and Gordie Howe stargaze at it. I don't think Wooly Bully achieved fame on the back of its expressive turns of phrase. You let the music do the talking, I guess and the pseudo-poetry, the lacking lyrics that should be languishing in the refuse heap are there for us to suffer through on the shoulders of musical genius. But bad poetry ends up in the dustbin of history.

This presents the problem of how to approach those words. Are they still called poetry or can I find a way to dismiss them as something lesser so that I can remove that sense of obligation from them, and others can't throw them at me as examples of expression that, by name and genre, can be in the same sentence as the classics of our language and its expression in verse?

Don't know.

Sunday, December 17, 2023

My brain is full.

 Last night was a very prolific night and I am surrounded by pieces of paper and self-sent emails which have discrete little thoughts, ideas and stuff like that.

I shall now empty my brain here (except for some stuff slated for elsewhere).

---------------

I watched the "Flamin Hot Cheetos" movie last night. Here are some reactions:


1. New game played when I go to the movies, "Is that Tony Shalhoub or not?"

2. Suddenly at one hour and 2 minutes into the film, the grumpy and grizzly older mentor-figure suddenly and magically becomes Dennis Haysbert!

3. As some one with very little appreciation for the spicinesses of the food world I was well prepared not to to like this movies. Well, as a famous US president once said, "mission accomplished".

-------------------


I'm looking for someone to make a Frank-Miller-esque origin story for Tevye. Maybe his life before Anatevka and how he married his wife. I would call it something gritty, like "Fiddler: Year One"

-------------

I heard a song last night (though I don't remember what the song was) and here's how I could explain it:

A band with a hit

that's a curious mix

of the Cure and the Clash

and some Kiss.

-------------

Just tonight I've not written more top ten hit songs than most people don't write over their entire life 

------------

He found himself in the unenviable position of one trying to make a weighty decision with the impaired cognitive faculties of one for whom closing a Ziploc bag felt like operating heavy machinery.

----------

Only when they hear the playback and

read the transcript of today will they 

believe me about what I claim I say.

-------------

"On the realization of how important the tongue is in eating successfully"


Meet the poor tongue

not glam'rous as the lung

but swallow much depends

on the buds and their ends

So chew you no chew

and drinks must dry out

since food will now kill you

the tongue has the clout.

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

False Flags

 Yes, another football post but before you skip it, realize that if I'm right, you could have gotten in on the ground floor. And what do you lose if I'm wrong? Nothing, right? So please send me like 10 bucks so that if you are wrong, you have lost something.

First, an apology. This post will be exploring adult themes and use language that will be relevant to those themes. I must use said racy words and phrases to illustrate the specific point I will be making. Now, on with the show:

The commentators read from their scripts not just in terms of the ebb and flow of the story line and the progress of the plot but in order to inject into our collective subconsciousnesseseses an acceptance of certain ideas. The massive number of football terms that are military in origin desensitizes us to the violence and we support the military complex because it connects to the glorification of the jocks, video games and the romantic notion of representing the home team and coming back from war. The other set of phrases is attempting to realign our thinking to accept erectile dysfunction as a perfectly normal condition. This will reassure the vast number of silent sufferers that they are not alone nor do they need to be embarrassed so they will be motivated to speak with their medical professional who will prescribe certain medicines. The resultant increase in demand will drive prices higher and stock values through the roof. No doubt the pharmaceutical companies, the military and the NFL will be rolling in the resultant dough.

The use of words and phrases like "penetration" (I heard the play by play guy last night speak about a running back who was good at "exploiting the smallest hole" and then said that the guy "has a bright future coming on"), the backfield, premature release, soft cover, wishBone offense and more -- there must be an agenda at work, and also at home here. Like, wherever!

During the commercial, I was told to "download the dick zap" (the uninitiated might think it was "the Dick's App" for the sporting goods chain, but who would download an app for a sporting goods store?)