I don't act like that. I AM that.

For a long time, i was convinced that I would grow up and be a celebrity. I was wrong. I won't grow up. But why did I think i would be a celebrity? I watch enough TV to know that the actors who are up there are mostly acting -- pretending to be people they aren't for the edification of the common man. They do voices, put on disguises, adopt personas that they aren't. How tough can that be. I do voices. I tell stories. I act like an idiot frequently. So it should be a perfect fit. So why am I not a celebrity?

I figured it out while driving in to work ("work" by the way is common-man speak for "what you do when you aren't a celebrity"). I have been waiting for someone to discover me and say "wow, you'd be great in my new TV show -- you'd play the part of the..." and then fill in the blanks with some fabulous character who has madcap adventures, solves mysteries and gets the girl to buy him a car. I'd be a modern day Buckaroo Bonzai just without the science, the aliens or a side kick named New Jersey. So I chalked up my continued non-celebrity status as a function of the right role not presenting itself and no famous actor stumbling across me while I sat on the sidewalk grading Shakespeare essays. But that isn't it.

I am, I realized, actually unequipped to play any role not because they haven't found the role for me, but because the character which I naturally am is better than any fictionalized version of anyone, ever. I can't suppress my natural identity and pretend to be anything else. The problem isn't that they haven't found a role to cast me as, but that they haven't written ME in as a part of their little show. They don't need a tough-as-nails-but-heart-of-gold drill sergeant played by Dan Rosen, they need to cast a Dan Rosen and then I can play it perfectly. And what production wouldn't be enriched by the inclusion of some Dan Rosen? I don't sing; I don't dance; I don't act. I'm the perfect triple anti-threat. Like an ointment of some sort.

So for all you celebrities who frequent this blog (though I realize many of you, it seems, live in Eastern Europe, based on the statistics for this blog), when you are writing your next script or tweaking the next cast, consider the advantages of including someone who is just like me, because I'm just like me and I want to be a celebrity when I grow up.