Dan, Zero, Law, One

And this is why we should be in favor of more spontaneous and unintentional reading.

I found myself with nothing to read today and a few minutes in which not to read it so I started looking at the back of a bottle of household cleanser. The product in question was and is Lysol Bleach Multi-Purpose Cleaner. It has foaming action which is really exciting. It also kills 99.9 percent of viruses and bacteria. It seems to me that if you go that far in your formulation, spend the money and kill the other .1 percent.

Anyway, I saw the following statement on the back of the bottle:

"It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling."

That got my attention.

First off, what kind of contentious debate on the senate floor precipitated the passage of the Federal law regarding Lysol? Were there amendments and riders? A filibuster or some back room deals? Where is the scathing expose which blows the lid off of this process? Inquiring minds and all that.

Then I got nervous. I read through the rest of the instructions and it all seemed to make sense, but, heck, what if I use it in a way that is "inconsistent" with the labeling? What does that even mean? The instructions say to turn the nozzle counter clockwise, but what if I turn it clockwise? Will the door be immediately kicked in and dozens of sun-glasses wearing G-men will come busting in, securing the premises and marching me out in front of reporters. 

"An anonymous tip," they'll say. "A true American, doing his civic duty and letting us know that someone used this product in a way inconsistent with its labeling. God bless the tipster who is helping us get this filth off the streets and away from our children. We are one clockwise turn from absolute anarchy. Chalk one up for the good guys."

And then, I can never vote :(

I let my imagination go even further. I pictured the defendant rising as the charges are read.

"Your honor, the defendant brutally killed everyone after embezzling funds and running a Ponzi scheme! So we are looking at multiple charges of murder-one, theft, racketeering and fraud. He is horrible -- he even tortured an animal!"

"Tortured you say?"

"Yes, your honor. He sprayed Lysol on the cat!"

"Well then, that's inconsistent with the labeling! Please amend the indictment to include a federal charge of Using Lysol the Wrong Way."

The label, by the way, also brags of the "Whitening Power" which has, I believe, recently been ruled unconstitutional by the High Court.

Fair warning, people. Don't be drawn in by the foaming action. And stop reading the labels.