Con In Fused

 

So there I was, showering and suddenly an idea popped into my head. I really need to install a computer in my shower, or maybe move the shower to the living room because I have lost more ideas in the time it takes to get out of the shower and get dressed than I care to admit.

But I digress.

There I was, in the shower, fumbling for my no-hair product which was full of ingredients I can't pronounce, and which, because I can't pronounce, I assume to be working some sort of miracle on the ever expanding available real estate in the great, grey north, when I saw the wife's bottle o' product. It is the "ultra-hydration" version and is called something with an umlaut (which must be what proves to her that it is of quality...or made by IKEA) and the bottle included the phrase "Infused with Black Tea."

That would be scanned.

I prefer my product to be populated by polysyllabic ingredients which promise the mystery of science to be visited upon the plague which is my 2000 body parts and she wants crumpets with her rinse. Ever since I learned about Body On Tap, I knew we were in for a battle of the bottle. You remember Body On Tap, right? The shampoo which made your hair taste great and be less filling? That inspired such products as "Gee your hair smells like a brewery"? Some hair care specialist had a pitcher unceremoniously dumped on his head and realized "wow -- look at the shine!" So adding beer to the shampoo became a thing, though I have yet to find one with Guinness added. I have seen shampoos with honey, and vanilla and all sorts of comestibles because there seems to be a conventional wisdom that "if it tastes good, your hair wants to eat it."

So today, I saw the product with "black tea" because when you think black tea, no doubt, you think healthy hair! Sure, ignore that tea is a diuretic so using it to enhance hydration makes no sense. Ignore that rubbing caffeine on your head won't make you think faster. It seems that someone dug deeper into the pantry to find something that unsuspecting tonsorial dilettantes would pay good money for to pour down a drain, by way of Follicle Road. ORange Tea? Nah, no soul. Green tea? Sick. But black? Oooh, La Lang! Realize that the trend will continue and it will be the task of self-care wizards in the future to find more bizarre combinations of food and hygiene product. So let's get working:

I want "Ivory Soap, now with Bologna" and "Head and Beef Shoulder". Is there a body wash with Mac and Cheese? I hope soon to reach for the bottle of conditioner and be reassured that there is an entire pizza in each serving, and yes, extra onions.