A Shot at the Olympics

 OK, hear me out -- I want to change some Olympic sports to make them better.

I found myself watching the Olympics last week. I wasn't looking for me, but there I was, right where I had left me.

Before the "opening ceremony" there were events being held and, with nothing else to watch on TV, I tucked in to some curling. I enjoy watching curling because it takes all the excitement of shuffleboard, throws in a dash of cornhole, and, like a good glass of rose, adds ice. People wearing comfy pants suits slide large rocks towards other rocks while other people furiously sweep the ice while sliding along on one foot. Then, once both teams have had ample opportunity to knock each other's rocks around, the announcer, clearly out of breath from all the tension, use figures of speech which mean nothing to anyone not currently curling, and point out that 3 rocks from one team are closer to a bulls eye than the closest rock from another team and this hasn't happened since some nail biting championship on a frozen pond in Sweden in 1805.

Like I said, I like curling.

But then I became engaged in a conversation about the Olympics (not about my guilt at watching them amidst the political debacle that is foreign policy and human rights) and the question was whether curling is my favorite sport in the winter games. Well, the conversation started with my heated defense of curling as a sport (and my attack on artistic demonstrations based on subjective scoring as "sports") and we started discussing other events and picking favorites. I do like ski jumping, as long as the score is based solely on distance and "did he not die" with no concern about form or such. I like speed skating because it is NASCAR on ice - we all only watch it to see when there will be a huge pile up with razor blades strapped to feet standing in for the internal combustion engine which could explode at any minute. I like hockey because, well, hockey and I think that luge (or skeleton) is every 8 year old's dream: maintaining composure while hurtling down an icy embankment on a minimal sled with only the illusion of control. Pretty awesome.

But my favorite is biathlon. Unlike other winter sports, participants get to shoot things. I know, right?

Skiers strap a rifle to their backs and start skiing. When they get their heart rate up to a ridiculous level, they then stop, have to calm the heck down and shoot targets. If they miss, they get docked time (or maybe they have to ski more, I don't know...). They then get up, ski more and then shoot more. So they are messing with heart rates, and firing guns. In terms of approach, it speaks to me. But I think that it could be made better. Why do we limit their skiing to cross-country, and why do they have to stop to shoot thing? If we have learned anything from such documentaries as the various James Bond films, it is that shooting guns WHILE skiing is really tough, possibly Olympic level tough. We should have the biathletes have to shoot during the skiing portion, and if we have someone shoot back, even better! And if the competitors have to shoot each other? Brilliant! We already have a "starter's pistol" all I'm asking is that we stop just aiming it up in the air.

Now hold on -- before you start accusing me of championing the senseless slaughter of the world's top skiers, understand: I'd be totally OK if we used paint-ball guns or some sort of lazer tag approach. I'm ridiculous, not evil so step the heck off, friend. I just want to see people shoot stuff. I'm not even demanding explosions (which made golf watchable), or snow mobiles or nothing. I'm not specifically saying "no" to these options, but I'm not demanding them. Explosions were a demonstration sport in 1996 but the idea was ahead of its time.

Then, on to other sports, because if there is one thing we can agree on, it is that using weapons makes sports more fun. Consider football. Yes, it is a hoot and a holler to watch grown men jump on each other until shards of bone stick through their skin, or they have to enter a blue tent and read the concussion protocols of the elders of something, but add in guns? Who could turn that off? Rollerball? Excellent (if you haven't read it or seen the movie, do so). Slapshot? A good bit of violence ruined by a male stripper.  Even the summer Olympics can get involved!

So, yeah, I like curling, but I can only imagine how much more popular the sport would be if the players could install punji pits or hide honey badgers in their stones? OK, maybe I am evil.

Citius, Altius, Fortius, Funestius!