True strength

 I was driving in my car last week, headed to the airport to pick up a child and a spouse. Newark airport has redesigned terminal A so I'm still getting used to the new layout. Here's a weird detail -- as you approach the terminal there is an entrance onto the road from the left side and it isn't one of those long ramps that allows cars to merge; it is a 90 degree left turn into the fast lane. I was unaware of its existence until a large car decided to inform me by lurching all the way across my lane and half of the next lane over before beginning his left turn. I swerved to the right, hoping that, early in the morning, there would be precious few cars alongside me. I also hit the horn (which I rarely do) and slammed on my brakes. This adventure in multi-tasking had a number of effects. First, I (AFAIK) did not die, so there's that. But I also found my right hand splayed across the passenger seat. I had no conscious thought of doing this, but the instinct to protect a passenger is very strong in this one. Had there been a porcupine in that seat, he or she would have been safe but I would have become a pin cushion.

A similar instinct kicked in when I walked my kids outside. I would hold a daughter's hand simply because, heck, I happen to like my kids. But if she were to stumble at all, I somehow (possibly magically) instantly squeeze her hand to keep her from falling. No one taught me to do this. I don't think about it, I just do it.

So when I was reading the haftarah from yesterday, and I encountered the story of Uzzah, I became, shall I say, "perturbed." Yes. Yes, I shall.

Perturbed.

In the story (2 Samuel 6:6), the ark of the covenant (cue Indiana Jones music) was being transported via wagon to a new resting place. Uzzah, son of Avinadav, walked along side it, and when, at one moment, an ox moved in a way that caused it to shift, Uzzah instinctively reached out his hand to stop the ark from falling. But, by touching what he was not allowed to touch, he incurred the death penalty. It doesn't seem fair. All he was trying to do was protect God's honor - you can't let something so holy fall on the ground. And on top of that, he probably didn't stop and think; he just acted. Why should he get punished for something out of his control, and something driven by the holiest and purest of desires, to safeguard the ark?

I did a little digging and found that I wasn't the only person troubled by this. And each person, sometimes citing some sage or another, sometimes speaking on his own, tried to explain what it really going on. Here is one example https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=60155.20. And I get it. After a bunch of reading and thinking, I can derive a nice homiletic explanation which applies to our daily lives et cetera, et cetera. But I still don't like it.

First, a piece of background (and I'm getting foundational info from the Artscroll Chumash, page 1168. There are more formal citations on other webpages so feel free to check them out, but I'm not waiting for you).  The ark was not supposed to be transported via wagon. The commandment was for it to be carried. In fact, the medrash learns out that the ark carries itself and sustains those who carry it, so they do not need to worry that it is too difficult. It does the heavy lifting. Putting it in a wagon might seem more efficient, or simpler, but it isn't what was commanded. Uzzah let that happen. He didn't defend God's honor by championing the actual obligation of carrying. He stepped up to "protect" only after he had shown that he wanted to be next to God but only on his own terms.

So in this moment, Uzzah forgot that the ark didn't "need" him and he felt that he, as a human, was essential in keeping God "safe" (as it were). That's a message that I have seen on websites. But I think it goes beyond that. I think that the underlying message is about the need for awareness and intentionality, even when it seems that instinct is just as effective.

When I pray, am I aware of the words that I say? Each moment? Every time? Or do I say them because "that's what we are up to" and I have said them so often that it happens automatically? When the chazzan says kaddish, do I respond "yehei sh'mei..." because I am thinking, at that second, about actively and consciously praising God's name, or because I click into automatic and respond? This doesn't mean that I don't mean the words as I say them. It means my decision to do it has stopped being a decision. And when it comes to protecting my little baby as she takes her steps, or my passenger as I drive to the airport, that automatic response is perfectly appropriate. But in our approach to the divine it isn't enough. Uzzah wasn't wrong in his motivation, but he also wasn't acting from within an intentional schema. He lunged because he saw God's ark just like anything of value and we act without thinking to protect anything valuable. Admirable but not what God wants. God doesn't even want us to do things pro forma -- with conscious intention to do them but without the thoughts surrounding our actions as a proper decision to express a specific and unique emotional connection at that moment. Think of Shmu'el statement to Sha'ul in 1 Sam 15:22 -- does God desire sacrifices? He wants you to listen to what he actually commands. Don't do it because YOU think that that is what is necessary. We should do what GOD says is necessary.

Uzzah, consciously or not, was doing what HE thought was right. Now, maybe it is hard to blame him. It is tough to defeat instinct. It requires a level of personal awareness which is really (really) hard to achieve. Some huge percentage of our actions are either purely instinct (try NOT flinching when the ball comes straight back behind home plate, even though you know there is a net to protect you) or learned responses which eventually border on instinct. And there is a reason that the major league catcher is such a prized commodity -- he can control his responses so that he doesn't flinch in that crucial moment. Uzzah was acting like a guy in the stands. That's great if all you aspire to is being a guy in the stands. But if you want to be a major leaguer, you have to be aware in that moment to such a degree that nothing you do is instinct even though it seems to be.

When we pray, when we put on tefillin, or when we give tzedaka or do any other mitzvah, are we doing it

a) automatically because that's what we do

b) as a learned response because we figure that's what we are supposed to do

c) because in that moment, we have slowed time down, considered all the options, and realized that this is what we are commanded to do

Uzzah acted according to A or even B. He needed to act under scenario C. No, it isn't easy. No, it isn't fair. But if we want to merit walking carryng the ark, then we have to be ready to shoulder that burden and take every step consciously.