On Holy

Warning -- post Yom Kippur/religious post. If you are waiting for me to resume being secularly stupid, please continue to hold.

Each year at this time, I see the same claim made all over the place, that Yom Kippur is the "holiest day of the year" in the Jewish calendar. I chafe at this because it begs so many questions and is answered in a number of ways. Here's a basic ides -- the "holy" status of a day is, according to some, reflected in the number of people called to read (or have read on their behalf) a section of the day's assigned Torah reading. A weekday has 3 people. The new month has 4. Holidays have five. Yom Kippur has 6 and EVERY SABBATH has 7. So, in that sense, Yom Kippur is "less" holy than every sabbath in the year. So, clearly, the claim that it is the "holiest" day is arguable at the least.

What, though, is at the heart of this uncertainty? I believe that the answer is that we don't know what we are asking when we think we are presenting the answer. What does "holy" mean that we can assign levels of it to a day or a person? In English, the word "holy" means "sacred" (which tells us nothing...synonyms make terrible definitions) or "dedicated to God." That's somewhat better but it still clears nothing up as all holidays and sabbaths (and a host of other things) are dedicated to God.

So I figure to look at this through the lens of the Hebrew. The word in question is "kodesh" (yes, I know that real transliterationists will insist on my using Q, but I'm using K, K? K). That word does mean "sacred" but it also means (and you can look at Klein's Etymological Dictionary for confirmation, words like "forbidden," "purified" and "separated." So now we have a new angle to look at -- the "holiness" quotient of a day has to do with its being separated from other days. But how is a day, or anything else, set aside? The word "forbidden" gives us a clue. Something is set aside by the imposition of restrictions on it, showing us how its use is limited to sacred functions. Some of this is hinted here but I don't think it goes far enough, and I thought of it independently, so there.

As Jews, we often make blessings and in those blessings we acknowledge that God is the king of the universe who "made us holy through his commandments." Now, what does that mean? Well, to me, and in the mood I'm in, it means that we are set aside from others because we are limited in our behavior, controlled by a set of laws and commandments that restrict us to a particular path connected to God. The more laws we have, the more we become a "holy nation" because the more restricted we are! Now wait, you say, many of those laws don't tell you what you can't do -- they tell you what you must do, so how is that a restriction? Simply put, they tell us what we are required, BY THOSE LAWS, to do. That is its own restriction, even in a positive sense. So the more behaviors we are commanded TO DO, the more laws we have to follow in order to do them -- restrictions on behavior. Yom Kippur has a whole mess of laws and behaviors specific to its ritual practice (including the High Priest's entrance into the Holy of Holies, the kodesh kodashim, the most restricted place in Judaism).

I have to test this theory -- so I look at other uses of the word. The K-D-Sh root applies to a number of things. For example, I sanctify (separate?) the sabbath day (and holidays) through the recitation of the kiddush, a special prayer declaring the nature of the day, said usually over wine. Why wine? I was wondering about that and then I remembered that of all drinks, grape products have the most dietary-law restrictions applied to them! So it would make sense that we celebrate the restrictive nature of the day with a religiously limited product.

There is a euphemism often used in Judaism is the term "kadesha" for a prostitute. The above webpage explains that the term means that the woman has separated herself from community morals but I disagree (respectfully). The term, as I learned it, is a euphemism. A euphemism replaces a positive idea for an inversely negative one so it isn't taken literally. Looking at kadesha and seeing the "separation" sense misses how the word is a euphemism. I see it as saying exactly the opposite of what it means. The woman is a "kadesha" because she is completely UNRESTRICTED in her behavior. So calling her "the restricted one" creates an opposite-based euphemism.

God's name is said to be holy (which could mean that heord "k-d-sh" is a name of God) and in the sense of restriction this makes sense. We are limited as to when and where we can pronounce God's name, and the 4 letter one had incredible limitations -- so much so that when it was uttered people fell on their faces and prayed!

So if the k-d-sh root has to do with restrictions that create or are created by God's commandments then which day is more k-d-sh? Well, certainly there are restrictions on Yom Kippur that do not exist on Shabbat. We are enjoined from 5 categories of behavior, including ones that are integral to our celebration of holidays and the sabbath. Doesn't this make Yom Kippur a more restrictive day and case closed? Not exactly -- because we cannot do these actions (such as eating) we cannot fulfill other religious obligations which would naturally surround them and which would restrict our actions further. We miss some of the restrictiveness of our dietary habits by simply not eating but a day on which we MUST eat becomes more holy because we then have to eat in a particular way. Additionally, there are prayers that we (Ashkenazic Jews) cannot say on Shabbat that we DO say on Yom Kippur. The Avinu Malkeinu is not said on Shabbat but it IS said on Yom Kippur. This would mean that in terms of the kinds of prayers and requests we make, there are fewer restrictions on Yom Kippur, elevating the sabbath in terms of k-d-sh restrictions.

So after all this, what's the upshot? What day is "more" holy, whatever that means? Do we look at the punishment for breaking the restriction and decide that the more stringent the punishment, the more holy the forbidden line that was crossed?

I'll go with "it's a toss up and an unnecessary one." What is the practical implication to calling a day more or less "holy" than another? We are caught up in labels and extremes -- we want the most, the least, the "specialest," but sometimes, these things don't really exist. We need to see that all holy is holy. All limitation is for the sake of heaven and we shouldn't try to create a hierarchy so that we can decide what is more or less important to abide by.

How to Become a super man, Yom Kippur Edition

 I was asked to speak before Ne'ilah this year, but plans changed. I had, though, already written the speech, so I figured I would post it here. Eat wisely today, pray intently tomorrow -- the sky's the limit.

--------------

Gut yom tov and chag same’ach to everyone.

First off, I would like to extend a sincere Yashar kochacheim and thank you to everyone who helped make this minyan, and all the minyanim during the yamim nora’im possible. Having a shul is a luxury and we live in a day and age where we have learned to treat luxuries as rights and take them for granted. One way to deal with that is to stop and appreciate all those who make that luxury possible. So thank you to all.

------

Over the years, having been present for a number of pre-ne’ilah speeches, I have heard and have imagined a variety of metaphors, and approaches. Fourth and goal. Bottom of the ninth. The shofar as a siren. The swan song. I have also looked at the prayer, “ne’ilah” in a few different ways – I’m sure you have heard them: the closing of the gates of prayer, the shoes we use as we travel on a path of repentance, even the burden we carry.

These all seem so scary and I have learned as a teacher that inspiring through fear is not always the most effective tack. Much like Judaism, teaching benefits from a combination of yirah, fear, and ahava, love. I think that there is a reason we say “chag same’ach”, accentuating the joy, and a reason that mishna 8 in Mas’echet Ta’anit, perek 4, has Rabban Shimon Ben Gamliel saying that Yom Kippur is one of the 2 best days (yamim tovim) in the Jewish calendar. Just as the other day, the 15^th of Av is a day which involves wearing white, symbolizing purity and escaping a death sentence, so does Yom Kippur, and both days invoke the idea of marriage and partnership – between men and women, the Jewish people and the Torah and even the people and Hashem, himself. Today is a chag, and one celebrating a joyous connection between a king and his betrothed. We go out to dance in the field and now, the king is in the field with us.

I also know that, as an English teacher, my strength is in finding meanings that my students will say aren’t there, but showing them how those meanings, grounded even in a fanciful or “homiletical” way of approaching text, have the ability to bring to us some different level of understanding.

I was planning on going to Israel in November. As might be expected, those plans, unlike many airplanes, are up in the air. But I was thinking about the term for that trip recently: the Hebrew word for the journey is n’si’ah. The grammatical structure (another habit of mine is to break words down and rebuild them based on roots, affixes and conjugations – I’m a real hoot at parties) takes a two letter combination of samech ayin (SA) and works it into a noun. Sa becomes n’si’ah. The modern Hebrew word for “Travel” is turned into “a trip.” When someone is about to travel, we say “n’si’ah tovah” – have a great trip.

I thought about that when I tried to understand the word “ne’ilah.” It dawned on me that I could reverse engineer a similar process in its construction. If the end result of unpacking n’si’ah is SA, then couldn’t the result of a parallel breakdown (grammatical integrity notwithstanding) turn the heart of n’ilah into AL? AL is a wonderful word – sure it means “on” but we commonly use it to mean “up” or “above.” Modern Hebrew has it also mean “super” (which we all can connect to the phrase “up, up and away”). The airline is “El Al” which seems to mean “to the up” or “to that which is above”. So if that’s the essence of the word, then the noun form that is equivalent to “n’si’ahs” “a traveling” is “ne’ilah”, “a rising.”

We have made it through a long day of davening and, sure, we have to be worried that our prayers have not yet been efficacious. We have to redouble those efforts and put on our walking shoes. The gates are closing – fear the loss of opportunity. The king will not be in the field and we risk missing out on that positive and life affirming judgment. We have to shake in fear and stir our souls with the final shofar. Those last few slichot give us that chance to say we are sorry one more time.

But that can’t stand on its own. Our fear has to be complemented with love and our hearts have to soar in order for our message to rise up. Let us take this chance to say “ne’ilah” – let’s rise up together – let our tefillah be part of that Aliyah, that rising up in which we lift our voices and celebrate this best of days, when we solidify our place in Hashem’s presence for the upcoming year.

Chag Same’ach and N’ilah tova everyone.

In which I say nothing

 

As the high holidays approach, a young man's fancy turns to inspirational messages exhorting repentance. Or something like that.

Anyway, I was thinking about something as I prowled through the 11th grade morning prayer services, getting annoyed as is my wont.

It seems that the power of being human is not just in being able to talk, David Bowie notwithstanding. Yes, speech is an incredible gift which has guided discourse and the establishing of advance civilization. Additionally, I know that the term "speech" is not to be taken literally -- the sign of humanity has to do more with the notion of language on the whole but I got to thinking about speaking and I suddenly realized a lesson which is often discussed at this, the day of our judgment.

The pwoer isn't the power to talk -- the true power is in the ability to choose not to speak. Our use of language is discretionary, not instinctual! We can decide not to speak in a given context and that control over saying a particular thing or nothing at all is what truly sets us apart. With a word we can hurt another or lift another up. With silence we can let others discover for themselves or continue to be mystified.

I often think of this scene from Ocean's Eleven. Rusty says nothing but Danny fills in the gaps as if Rusty made a persuasive argument! This is the sound fo silence.

Refraining from speaking slander (Lashon Hara, or evil speech) marks a control over the tongue. My dog, Sparky, and all his dog friends can't help but bark when someone knocks on the door, or when someone makes a noise or, it seems, a cloud floats by. We implore them to quiet down but they can't make that choice. A baby has yet to learn the power of stopping when the crying fit descednds. This is growing up.

And, of course, the choice should be not just not to speak, but not to communicate. We can get a message across with our body language, our eyes. And these messages can be as powerful.

So choose to be human and show you can choose to listen to The Talking Heads (Psycho Killer...) over David Bowie.

Education Time

 New school year, new education thoughts. If you aren't into overthinking school, move along.

A major question we, as educators, ask is "why are we teaching what teach?" The answer of ten has to do with the content -- I teach algebra because I think either that algebra is inherently useful, or algebra requires skills and the skills are useful. Either reason works. I cover book X because the content is necessary (either for historical/cultural literacy reasons or because the lesson is relevant) and/or because there is something in the literary method that is worth covering, and/or because the skill of reading anything and analyzing it via any lens, in any way is an exportable skill.

But then we have to decide how to assess mastery (or at least competence) in each area. Tests, projects, homeworks, quizzes and what have you have been the traditional modes. Some are more recent innovations, and, yes, they serve the purpose of formative and summative. All the buzz words are here and that's just great. But I will posit that there is another, no less important aspect to these assessments that is being poorly served in the light of some recent changes in test administration.

I believe that students need to learn to manage the clock. I firmly believe that timed assessments are important because the skill of being able to think under pressure is a necessary life skill. By removing time constraints, or markedly reducing them (turning an in-class essay into take-home work due in 24 hours instead of 42 minutes) we might be giving students more time to mull over answers but we teach them that they can have all that time and there is no value in making an on-the-spot decision.

Now it is true that we have had "extra-time" provisions for students who process differently. These students, by dint of an IEP or ISP (or a local intervention) have been given 50% (or 100%) extra time because that was designed to put them on par with other students. This was about fairness. I'm not saying I fully get it, but that's ok -- extra time was reserved for those who truly needed that time in order to be considered on the same level as others. An accommodation to different cognitve skills is no sin. And yes, there are even students who get "unlimited" time. Again, I'm not saying I really get it, but for these select few, processing is so different that they need to remove the pressure of time in order just to achieve parity.

To remove the element of time for all, though, or loosen the strictures so severely as to make the idea of "timed" irrelevant destroys the abilityt o assess this dimension of student performance. Thinking under pressure, performing while the clock ticks is a really important skill. I'm sitting in an office which operates by the clock. I work as a teacher, constantly aware of the clock. The real world has time constraints and deadlines. Leave the cozy confines of the school and suddenly, work has to be done by a certain time, decisions have to be made on a strict schedule, thinking has to be done under the pressures of time. This is a reality. While COVID has reduced their sway, there are still standardized tests with timed essays. Will it happen in college? It did when I was in college -- I had essay finals that had a limit on them. Does that mean it still happens? It is a shame if it doesn't, because as soon as students decide to apply for grad school, tests reappear. Then, life and life is just chock full of timed conditions. Fight or flight -- make a decision now because the threat won't wait.

So I see this as an extra but also essential part of education. Let a student know the book. Let him know how to read any book. But also, let him know how to come up with an answer and a persuasive argument and think on his feet. We don't teach it explicitly, but we demand that it is an acquired skill that ensures survival.

Thoughts while driving

 

I am just writing these down to clear the cache that is my brain. These dawned on me after my doctor's appointment this morning and while I was driving.

1. Why do we need credit cards? A credit card is a piece of plastic that connects us to an account somewhere else. It is basically an ID card confirming that the holder approves with the idea of taking money from the account. The card, itself, is meaningless. It just attests to the identity of the holder. But so do fingerprints. Why not replace credit card swipe machines with fingerprint readers? Would this mean I can't "lend" my card to anyone? Yes. Exactly. And, make a failsafe system by having the database catalogue more than just one finger of mine, so if I lose a finger, another can be used to transact business. One can even be set as a "duress" finger. If i use that one, the authorities are notified that I am being forced to make the transaction.

2. I feel bad for the Yankees. I heard an ad on the radio celebrating the 2000 championship team. Thing is, there are so many championship teams, that a singular player doesn't really get any attention. If you want to pay homage to the players who won championships, there are just too many. Now, as a Mets fan, I can distinguish between the championship teams because the Mets were sensitive enough to win championships sparingly and spread apart in years. LGM! Just not too soon.

The Speech

 This is what I delivered at the wedding of my elder to the boy. I did make one slight change in this version but the rest is as is.

-----------------------

First the thank you’s – to the Silvermans, a hearty thank you for their son (and brother). Elijah is a lovely young man so we appreciate all your hard work in helping him become that. To Julie, who helped take care of the millions of details with care and genius, thank you and I love you; to the venue and the various people behind the scenes who have taken Maddie and Elijah’s vision and turned it into a reality, thanks, and to all the celebrities who made time in their schedules to be with us today, many thanks. To Sparky and Princess who could not be here because, you know, squirrel, thanks for being the unofficial best boi and best girl, ever. And to all of you for coming out and sharing this afternoon and evening with us. Thank you.

I’m not going to be delivering a dvar torah but I thought I should mention that this past week was my bar mitzvah parsha. So that’s neat.

I’m also not going to be giving a list of useful pieces of advice. I have posted those online. Kids: summer reading.

A father starts writing a speech for his daughter's wedding approximately 4 and a half minutes after she is born and most drafts are 50 percent about how perfect a girl she is and 50 percent threats and warnings aimed at the monster who is taking her away.

I have written this and other versions at least 200 times and in a couple of recent attempts, Elijah comes off looking OK.

Progress.

But for someone who has written so many speeches for this day, it is embarrassing to admit that I just don't know what to say. So instead of standing here awkwardly waiting for my allotted 2 minutes to expire so the band can play me off, I'd like to tell you a story.

It is a story about a princess, a girl who stole my heart when I didn’t even know I had one. A girl who gave me a run for my money. She needed only to walk because I’m really out of shape and wasn’t going to catch her.

It is a story about a prince. Actually, and to be accurate, it is a story abOOt a prince. A prince who is a cleaner to the princess’s cook and who brings more to the table than just Indian food. A prince with a love of the world, of his homeland and a love for the princess. And you can’t ask for more than that.

This prince and princess come from a long line of royalty, some who are here tonight, some who couldn’t be here and some who have left us with just their memory and heritage. TO all of them, we say “thank you for being you so that we can be who we are and the prince and princess can carry our proud family names into the future.”

This story is full of laughs, some stress and a whole lot of love. It is a story which reads like a roller coaster only with a shorter line and, we hope, a little less screaming. It is a story of two people who share so much and have just enough difference to keep things interesting. There are deep conversations, scenic quests and laser battles in space.

There are arguments and reconciliations, new friends and old acquaintances. There is home and away. It is a story about life, a life that stretches far off into the future and which has its root way back in the past.

And, of course, the story teaches us a lesson. That lesson changes from person to person and moment to moment. I learned “don’t judge a book by its cover” because one time, Elijah brought a book to the house and I judged it by its cover and I was very wrong. You might learn something different.

Anyway, I’m just a dad, standing in front of a newly married and deliriously happy couple wishing them the kind of life that they deserve – one of adventures and happiness, of sasson and simcha, loving and learning, and soup AND salad.

I don’t know the end of the story but I do know that I am excited to be here at the beginning and I’m looking forward to reading it as it unfolds.

Gorgeous Speeches

 ORIGINAL INTRO FROM MONTHS AGO:

"Time for another attempt at a wedding speech. Kid number 1 has just announced that the boy popped the question and that she said "yes" so I have to start assembling wits of wordsdom, and that takes time. Also, as they are considering getting married in Israel, I'm going to have to write a speech and then get it translated, then learn Hebrew so that I can read it well enough to know how bad a translation it is."

7 MONTHS LATER -- the location has changed and all my attempts at speechifying have failed. I warned the young people that, at the event, I would take up a minute or so of nothing in particular, and would save my brilliant haranguing for the internet, so I'm just using this as a space to collect pearls of swine to cast before the youth. The title is a reference to the phrase "Georgia Peaches" as used in the song "Call Me the Breeze" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (written by J.J. Cale). It is unrelated to this blog post in any other way but I happen to like the song. Deal with it.

Step one -- collect the relevant pieces of advice. This is an ongoing process which I undertook over 25 years ago, so handing it, fully formed to the young people seems a tad unfair. But, hey, that's what dads do. This list was curated over the space of 6 months, reflecting on years of living life.

Step two -- type up the list and put it online. Ta da.

In no particular order

1. Don't hold a grudge. Let go of what you let go.

2. Check your ego at the door. You aren't always right.

3. Always assume that you significant other has the best of intentions and is putting you first.

4. Always have the best of intentions, and put your significant other first.

5. This isn't a dress rehearsal. You aren't practicing for when you really grow up and have a life. This is it. One take, continuous shot. Get it right.

6. Tell each other you love each other at least once a day. Never assume it is understood. It needs to be said, meant, and heard.

7. Laugh a lot with each other. Rarely, if ever, at each other. Know when it isn't the right time to laugh and act accordingly.

8. Money is awesome but having, keeping and using are rarely in the same sentence. Sometimes, make decisions that seem less fun now but will help towards future money-based happiness. Just because you have it doesn't mean you should spend it.

9. Learn to love where you are and what you have. If you are always looking at the horizon, you miss the cows on the side of the road. Trust me...that's a deep one.

10. Count your blessings and remember that one of them is knowing how to count.

11. Forgive before you are asked to and ask to be forgiven even when you are sure you are right.

12. Be best friends. It is the two of you against the world. And if/when you have kids, remember, they are only SOMETIMES on your team...

13. Acknowledge that you are wrong at least once a day. Odds are, you are wrong, on some level well more than that.

14. Know where the line is and don't cross it.

15. The newest technology can't take the place of a conversation between people who know each other and are paying attention to everything the other person says.

16. Know where your local library is, damnit. Go there sometimes just to be reminded of how wonderful it is and be surprised by all that you didn't know was there.

17. No one can read your mind. Don't expect that anyone can. Unless you marry Uri Geller and neither of you is marrying Uri Geller. If you happen to be marrying Uri Geller, contact me -- I have a totally other speech for that. Actually, don't contact Uri Geller. If he is as good as he supposedly is, he knows it already. Also, no riddles. No mysterious "come here" without an explanation. Yes, the other person should trust you that it is important, but it is easier just to speak than to expect blind obedience.

18. Be honest even (and especially) if it requires you to admit you are wrong.

19. Set an example.

20. Be stricter than you think you need to be with your kids; be more to the right and demand that they live up to a higher standard. They can loosen up when they get older.

21. In almost all cases, it is more important that something gets done than that it gets done the exact way you want it.

22. Be quick to ask forgiveness, but quicker to give it, even without being asked.

23. Always be nice. That's such an important bottom line. All these items, well, many of them, can be boiled down to "be nice".  Stop. Think about what you do, what you say and how you say it. If it isn't "nice" then you need to rethink your choices. You can joke and kid around, but when the rubber meets the road, you best be nice.

24. Even if you win the lottery, live frugally.

25. Do things because they need to be done. Do them right because there is no other way to be.

26. Look for solutions, not arguments and not blame.

27. Be self aware enough to know when you are changing and how.

28. Earn respect, pay respect. Pay attention. Pay compliments.

29. Don't take things too seriously, with the following exceptions: your spouse's feelings, finances, religious identity, disciplining a child, turn signals when driving.

30. Go out for ice cream together once a month at least.

31. You will both become different people over time. That's not a bad thing. Rediscover each other and fall in love with each other repeatedly. Make sure you constantly become someone worth falling in love with.

32. Never make a list of fewer than 33 items.