Let's talk Shiva

Along with my posts about what I want for my funeral, I realize that it is important for me to state my clear and governing wishes for my Shiva. In Jewish law, after someone passes away, close relatives observe a time of intense mourning which can be as long as 7 days. This is referred to as "sitting Shiva." I have gone to a couple of Shiva houses recently and decided that I need to lay out exactly what I want for my Shiva. Like my funeral, I won't really be able to check so this is all about the honor system, or any one person's fear of reprisals from beyond the grave, because this ghost will not give up anything. By the way, for the original Death Wishes post, go here and then ctrl-f to 'my death wishes'.

The mourners at the Shiva have to sit on low chairs. I can't do anything about this, but I'd like to request low recliners. Like La-Z-Babies or something. If these don't exist, I ask that someone invent them. I'm not expecting to need them imminently, but if it is worth doing, and it is, it is worth doing right now.

Food service -- yes, please. The mourners generally pick at food. The visitors sit around awkwardly not knowing what to do. So maybe a carving station or two would be good.

Not everyone who comes to comfort my relatives will know me well. True, that's their loss, but I have to account for it. So I've been thinking -- you know how at bar and bat mitzvahs, there is that 20 minute slide show/montage, with pictures synced up to a variety of songs? I think that I want that -- a video montage played at the top of every hour. But here's the thing -- I don't want it played in the main room where the mourners are sitting. Instead, people should be lined up outside, and let in at the top of the hour to a separate room where they have to watch the montage before they are admitted to the main room. Then, they sit in the main room and make the requisite uncomfortable small talk and leave. Meanwhile, the new group is lined up outside waiting to be admitted.

Inside the main room there should be a selection of my writing. A few VDT's can be set up with this blog site (AND NOTHING ELSE) so people can read what I said (no doubt, "again"...). All of my witticisms on Facebook should be printed and bound and made required reading (if possible, assigned as a pre-requisite, with a quiz administered once people show up...if they pass, they can leave. If not, they have to stay for the full time, and must take an exit assessment to be let out). My poetry should be collected, typed up nice and neat, and used to cover all the walls. And each morning must open his conversation with any of the mourners with a short paragraph (no fewer than 150 words) detailing his or her favorite piece of my writing, and explaining how it has changed his or her life.

I know that the tradition requires that the visitors wait before talking to the mourners, as the mourners have to open the conversation. This, though, is a terrible imposition on the mourners who then feel the need to play the host, and recognize each visitor and welcome him or her. Otherwise, the visitor just sits there in silence. So I'd like the mourners to record themselves saying a variety of welcoming phrases, like "Hey, what's up," "Thanks for coming," or "You can sit anywhere, just not on my La-Z-Baby" and have that recording playing as people enter, so each visitor has already been "welcomed" and can then speak without fear of committing a religious faux pas.

The conversation tends to get stilted, or even peter out some times. So, to forestall that eventuality, and taking a page from the Oscars practice of hiring chair fillers, I'd like the mourners to hire a few conversation fillers -- professionals who have been briefed on me and my life and who can interject interesting trivia or relevant memories so when the mourners flag, or the conversation dips, the pro can step in and step it up. Also, as people walk in, they should be given a sheet with appropriate questions to ask, and topics of conversation. If anyone asks about my not being allowed in the baseball hall of fame, that person should be escorted out.

There is a practice to light candles that will last for the 7 days. I want scented candles. Something manly, please.

I would like there to be an ongoing contest (maybe one of those jars filled with something relevant like unreturned student papers, and the whoever guesses the right number wins a coupon to an oil change place) or competition. What about musical chairs? That sounds reasonable. I will allow wailing, but discourage the gnashing of teeth. Go gnash on something else.

More updates as events warrant.