And more post ne'ilah thoughts

This is becoming a habit and I'll tell you why -- each year during Mincha, I imagine what I would say were I tasked with providing the inspiration pre-ne'ilah speech in synagogue so I force myself to come up with something and then I realize that no one spoke and I'm way behind...

Anyway, this year's "speech"

Ne'ilah is the scariest prayer.

I'll explain. The gates are closing and all that and the conventional wisdom is that these are gates of prayer and our prayers can't get through because, you know, gates. Meh.

I think of it differently. The holiday of Yom Kippur is an oasis in time, It is a refuge. It is a protected moment when we can explore spirit and commandment, take time to look inward and really focus on our prayers. In the prayers, we often read that Hashem gave the day to us. The Hebrew rod for "give" is the same root as the word for "present." No, not "stress on the second syllable 'to deliver' meaning" but the stress on the first syllable meaning a gift. The holiday is a gift because it allows us to step outside of the everyday and use our energy for something really special. The gates are closing and the holiday will end. And we are on the outside of the gates, left to our own devices, having to carry the mantle of spirituality into a world when it isn't Yom Kippur.

Man, that's scary.

God knows we need help. He gives us 3 prayer services a day during which we can carve some time and repent, ask, understand and praise. But that's not enough so on the sabbath and holidays, he gives us a fourth prayer (and these are the days on which we use that word "natan" -- gave, or some version of it to thank God for this bit of help, an opportunity to push off the world and reconnect with the divine.

But 4 isn't enough. We need more.

So once a year, God says, "OK kiddo, you tried to make due with 3 and struggled; you had some 4 but that isn't enough for you to rise the way I know you can so here's a softball -- one day a year, I give you 5, count 'em, FIVE prayers so you can really realize your spiritual potential." It's like he said "I'll give your training wheels training wheels and your crutches, crutches." The day is so joyous because with five prayers I can really make progress. Less time in between means less time for me to backslide. I feel an ecstasy at the close of day because I truly got INTO the experience. It was pervasive.

But the gates are closing. Welcome back to the world of 3 prayers a day. Try to keep this going with only 3 chances per day! Can I do it? I honestly don't know. I'm scared. I want more Yom Kippur (though, after a quick bite to eat, please). I want all impediments taken away FOR me -- I'm afraid I can't do it on my own.

But the gates are closing. I am being pushed out of the nest and told to fly on my own. And I'm scared. So I want to pour everything I have into that last prayer service, reach as high as I can, and as deep into myself as I can, so I can face tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow (sorry Bill) and stay on this level for as long as I can.

Please, God, let me stay inside the gates. Let me learn to carve that moment in time, that refuge of peace of spirituality everyday in my 3 opportunities and not lose myself in the spaces in between. I ask forgiveness for the times when I wandered away from path once the gates were closed, and I'll try to stay at the edge of that sacred space, basking even in the referred glow, so that when next Yom Kippur arrives, I will already be there, ready to jump in and reach even higher.