To Brag

Allow me to brag. Allow me to bask in the glory, and brag. Not about me. Well, at least not directly about me. And please, don't judge me as a braggart just because I brag. I spill over with pride and I wish to share it. With all my complaining, you'd think you people would be happy that I'm happy. Sheesh.

Anyway, there are milestones by which we judge "growing up." I recall a TV show in which a son's maturity was marked by his ability to beat his father in a basketball game. Maybe it was an arm wrestling match. I watch them both with the same level of enthusiasm so I can't much tell the difference. But I'm no athlete. I'm what scientists like to call "a lazy good for nuthin'" Then they spit. It's Latin -- sorry if you don't get it. In my house, we value pursuits of the mind. So when your mind wanders, you can say it is just out doing research. I have tried to be the bedrock of information, intellectual method and curiosity for my kids and have tried to engage them in the process of discovery and debate so that they become better thinkers and communicators. So what could signify that they have reached a particular plateau and become kings of that particular trapezoidal mountain? When they knock me off. Intellectually. Not like dead, but bettered.

They know that to be conceded to when making cogent points is a feat and a great moment. Ever since they started presenting powerpoints to justify a trip to Florida, and assembling lists of pros and cons about why we should get a dog, they have both appreciated the systematic assembling of argument. That's plenty to get a dad's proud revving. But they weren't ready yet to challenge me on an issue of current concern and argue me into rethinking a position. Until now.

I don't often get my opinion changed. I think most of us, when we have thought through a position and firmly entrenched ourselves don't get jostled too much - not because of stubbornness and the fear of instability, but because if we are ready to declare a position, it is the result of deep and sincere thought and consideration. So when I had my mind changed due to a conversation I watched on line between strangers in a discussion forum, that was pretty big news for me. My underlying understanding didn't change, but I was able to recontextualize my position so that it effected a different outward expression. I saw things differently so I didn't oppose what I had opposed -- not because I changed the baseline belief about its rectitude (or lack) but because the milieu in which it existed was explained in a way where I saw that my opposition was unnecessary. It was a grand start. That was about 10 years ago. Then there was 2 days ago. I was driving my younger child into The City (if you have to ask which then you aren't paying attention -- The City) and, knowing that she is a passionate social justice warrior with a heart of gold, I asked her how she felt about a particular issue. I pushed and challenged and then presented my position which was, in many ways, opposite hers. We are able, you see, to disagree on major social issues and still relate together because we respect that positions don't define one's humanity; they are simply expressions of understanding. People should try that.

So there we are, driving down the FDR and chatting. I lay out my feelings and ask difficult questions and she responds. I was pretty sure that I would be able to cite enough statistics and anecdotes to justify why I felt the way I did and that, though she would make a fine showing, ultimately, she would have to accept that my position is valid. And that I could smile and nod at youthful exuberance and idealism while making sure that she was exposed to my, no doubt more worldly and informed statements. I pointed out that her position was inconsistent. She granted me that and we tried to explore the parameters which would define when she felt one way and when the other. I admitted my inconsistency and tried to express where I drew various lines. She pushed back. Everything was going well. Then she took a tack for which I was not prepared. She pointed out (through both anecdote and logic, coupled with common sense) that my baseline statistic was simply wrong. Now I'm no fan of statistics and I know that they are the tools of manipulators and liars, plus I don't understand them so much, but in general, big numbers that are commonly accepted seem safe -- basic correlations like "people with guns are more likely to shoot people than people without guns" and "if you don't eat, you gonna die." She questioned one of my big numbers: if I rely on a particular trend in order to predict future behavior, but that trend was established through improper thinking which would have been the result of using that trend, then my statistic is circular and baseless.

Here's an analog (and I'm working very hard not to bring up the specific topic we discussed so that any reader's thinking about this isn't clouded by his or her own preconceived notions):

I say we can predict tomorrow's weather by looking at the statistics of how much it rained on days after a football game.
She points out that those statistics were generated by people who ignored when it rained on days after no-football because they expected a correlation so they found it, and the later statistics which purport to show an effect are actually just pointing out the cause -- there is a higher correlation because those are the ones we counted in the past! Yes, it is more complex than that and without showing the actual topic of discussion, it is hard to explain fully and clearly, but trust me - she made me rethink what I knew and believed about relying on a particular trend's value. I fell into a sullen silence which masked a true admiration, which was covering a sullen silence. I'm complex like that.

Now I'm not saying that I am discarding my entire position. I still think that my ideas have merit. But this kid, whom I refer to as "the smart one," shut me down in a way. Now my other kid, whom I refer to as "the smart one" (fortunately, neither reads my blog, so neither knows that I think they are both smart...that's a relief) has argued her points well for many years, but we haven't sparred on questions of politics and the communal conscience. That's why the other one went through the army, her own apartment, moving to another country and becoming a vegetarian. She's smart like that. This one will change the world, one mind at a time. I am the proud dad of two women. Two brilliant, strong and strong willed women who see a better future and are working with their bodies and minds to make that vision a reality. Color me convinced

End brag. We now resume our regularly scheduled complaint. My foot hurts.