Why I'm still on Earth this morning

The voices were like the heavenly choir. Harmonies so rich that they had their own harmonies filled my head as a blue light bathed me in radiance. Alone, walking home that night, I hadn't considered aliens or any sort of visitation which was ironic as that was usually what filled my thoughts.

I have always been interested in outer space -- the stars, planets, galaxies and the vast expanse that begs comprehension. I look up at the night sky and imagine myself spending any number of lifetimes crossing the distances and seeing wondrous miracles, life forms, explosions and things unimaginable. I'm often lost in thought as I gaze into the inky past, dreaming, wishing, even hoping that some force, some intelligence would somehow descend and pick me, yes me, to be the one to travel to the stars and represent humanity in this contact. This is why it was so unusual that at the moment when the beings finally made their presence known, I was not thinking of traveling to the out there which is out there.

"Come with us..."

The sound was as much in my head as around it. I was awash in sound, full and tangible. I looked up, realizing that, though the light was bright, it didn't need to shield my eyes. I both saw its center and was at its center.

"Come with us..." the voice repeated. I was stunned, too shocked even to respond. The light beckoned me, it drew me in and I found myself walking in it and reaching.

"Come with us..." again, the pull. Everything I had yearned for, within my grasp.

"Hold on," I said, pulling out my phone, "I just have to tell the wife that I won't be home for...how long?"

"What?" Even in their confusion the aliens' music lifted my soul.

"I want to let her know that she shouldn't expect me home for dinner and, maybe also breakfast?"

"Of course..."

"Hey -- I should probably let my boss know. He'll have to arrange some sort of coverage while I...what will I be doing again? I need to know so I can take the right kind of day."

The choir responded with a lushness that sang to my core."Come with us and explore the mysteries of the universe."

"OK, so vacation day. Go it. Hold on." I started to dial and then put the phone down. "Like how long are we talking. The universe is big but I only get 6 personal days."

"We have worlds to discover together, and we wish to share the secrets of civilizations beyond your understanding, dimensions of which you cannot conceive -- we want you to-"

"Right, so I'll probably need to take the whole bunch. That means I can't take one in March for my kid's recital. Hmmmmm."

"Come with us..." Its lure, irresistible.

"Yes...with you. Um...how does time work?"

"What?"

"I mean, will it seem like a long time, but we will be traveling so fast that the experience will be over really quickly? I haven't davened shacharis yet, so am I going to need to grab my tefillin before we go, or will we be back soon?"

"You will see the face of god in all things, and worship with an honesty and nearness you cannot even begin to imagine..."

"Right, but do I need my tefillin? And how are you people fixed on snacks? I have a gluten thing, so I'd appreciate if you had some vegetables or maybe rice crackers. I'm a bear to be around if I have gluten."

"We can give you the ambrosia, nectar of the stars, to fill you up in ways that -"

"I can't imagine, yeah, but under whose hashgacha? Do you guys have wi-fi up there?"

"You will be one with the cosmos, communing with nebulae and touching the heavens...come with us..."

"Yeah, but wi-fi? I will want to update my status, and live tweet this whole trip thing. Damn, I'm at 14%. I need to grab a charger, and maybe a change of clothes. What should I dress for -- cold? Hot? Do I need a sweater? Will we be meeting anyone so I should be maybe formal?" You meet some nice aliens and begin talking like your grandparents.

"Do you want to come or not?" The harmonies rang and I could almost feel myself lifted up by a power beyond my body.

"Am I going to be on my feet a lot? I have PT this afternoon and my foot is really aching. Do you have a guy? I need heat and massage and someone to work on joint strengthening. Also, can we stop by CVS on the way? I need to get more migraine medicine. Ooooh, also a magazine. You like People?"

"We love people and wish to usher humanity into a new age of -"

"No, the magazine. I'll get you an Us Weekly. I just have to stop off an grab some cash. Can you guys wait here? I'll just be a sec."

And, as I turned to make a quick withdrawal of, like, forty bucks, they left. The bastards.