Plymouth High School, Nov 27, 2019, 10:35 AM

Thank you all, please settle down. Let's go -- find your seats and quiet down, please. Thank you.

OK. Sorry that we had to have this assembly -- some of you are missing gym, but this is important. We need to discuss this as a community so let's just...please, Mr. Evans, sit down and- EVANS meet me in my office after this assembly! Now will the rest of you just pipe DOWN!

Thank you.

Before you go away for the Thanksgiving break I'd like to remind you of our school code of conduct and what we will not tolerate either in school or at home. We all know about the practice of "Pilgrimming" and it is, as it always has been, unacceptable. If we find that you have been involved, directly or not, there will be consequences. This school's administration finds the practice repugnant and we have a zero-tolerance policy about it. Yes, there will be pressure. Yes, it seems like innocent fun. But no matter what the "cool kids" say, taking a square-rigged merchant ship out on the water, landing at some unsuspecting person's dock and having a turkey dinner on his lawn is no laughing matter. The kinds of damage it does cannot be quantified and there are, though you may not see it, long term consequences. Yes, we were young once and sure, we were tempted by the allure of the hats and muskets, and even if a few of your teachers whisper to you about how much fun it is to say grace while a home owner waits, terrified in his den, lest he anger your God, this should serve as no excuse. There are ways that you can express your thanks properly, without terrorizing your neighbors with stuffing and yams.

And please, don't think that this is some "innocent activity". Studies have shown that pilgrimming serves as a stepping stone to even more troubling behaviors. Wassailing, hoarding Easter eggs and even, dare I mention it, spontaneous recitations of the Pledge of Allegiance are all tied to people who couldn't get their "fix" just by -- as you young people say it -- "Passing the Cornbread."

Local police will be on the look out for ships of all configurations. Last year a student claimed, after he was caught joyriding in a 2-masted schooner that he wasn't pilgrimming. Subsequent searches revealed a hidden cache of pumpkin pie in the forecastle and 14, yes, 14 pairs of buckled Victorian loafers. He was looking to deal, kids, and who knows what might have happened. He is no longer welcome here, and I don't want you to suffer the same fate.

So spend some time with family, and if your parents allow it, under their watchful eye, you can try some green-bean casserole -- in a safe environment with adults standing by. But we will be testing students for gravy...shhh, quiet please, gravy, and, yes, possession of open containers of cranberry sauce in public will get you suspended.

Thank you -- now please go back to 4th period for regular classes.