Let's put the fun in

 Another funeral. Another sad day, a day on which family, some too young have to start a process of living in the past. A contemporary passed away.  I know I have posted speeches, wishes and reflections, but I now want to add some things that need to be said or pointed out for and at my funeral.

First, many people laud the deceased for his willingness to “give the shirt off his back.” I want people who speak about me to make clear that I would give the shirt, the shoes, and possibly a hat, if it isn’t a really nice hat. Not because I’m particularly nice, but because it really isn’t that nice a hat.

I hope that my students remember me, and remember me fondly. I know that some teachers like to say that their students are like their children. I want it to be known that my students are not like my children because my children don’t laugh at my jokes and my students ask before they eat my food.

A note about my sense of humor. Someone is going to want to make a comment about the jokes I make, using words like “corny” or “dumb.” That’s ok, as long as these words are preceded by “not”. My sense of humor is fantastic and epic and if you don’t get it then I’m glad I’m dead.

When arrangements are being made for the funeral, book the room for like 4 hours. I want so many speeches that there has to be an intermission and a second act. As for speakers, I want my wife, my kids, my siblings, other family members (by blood, marriage or crime syndicate affiliation), former students, friends, colleagues, local politicians, religious leaders, celebrities and luminaries from a variety of fields. I want a Zoom link, a dedicated website with a comments section (moderated by my brother), Facebook live, a mosh pit, cheap seats, picnic area and (for the contest winners) a seat or two on stage.

Speaking of booking the room, I’d like a room reserved for a memorial service (30 days after I go, a year, who knows…surprise me). At this event, I’d like someone who gave a speech at the funeral to get up and begin speaking by saying “and another thing”. Another speaker should get up and talk about something completely unrelated to my passing but which I would have been annoyed at, like what’s the deal with “paddle shifting” in cars. If you want to drive stick, learn to drive stick dammit.

Reflections while shopping

 

I took M and her E2B to the local shoparite to pick up some staples (I get my food from Office Depot) and while we wandered the aisles I took some pictures so I could share my sense of gruntlement (dis and dat) with youse all because you haven't been quick enough to click on any other web address. Welcome to my nightmare, kids.

So, here's something I saw in the "kosher cakes" section:

First, off that cake is not white. It might be white underneath, but it isn't white. Racial concerns aside, I see chocolate frosting. Let's say, though, that the cake inside is white. In my experience, it almost always is, and if the cake is chocolate, then the goop between cake is white -- contrast saves lives everyone. But either way, which is the "layer" by which one counts a cake? Is it the cake, or the goop separating? Is it novel that either one or the other is white? Also, did you notice the fourth ingredient? "Cake emulsifier". Never heard of it. Emulsifier? Maybe. "Cake"? Yup. But not "cake emulsifier" as opposed to any other sort. My education progresses.

Next up, same section:

All I wanna say is that that middle container has the least appetizing food in it that I have ever seen. I shan't descend scatalogical, but, suffice to say, I'm thinking it. I also call your attention to the 3rd ingredient, "Fudge base." Choose your own adventure, humor wise. Just keep it to yourself.

Next up, we have this -- "Performance Muffins." I didn't know if the performance was Moliere or Ibsen, of if a muffin that had strength was a good idea so I kept moving. It also looked like the secret ingredient is "steroids." I swear he followed me out to the car and asked "you wanna go? Huh? Huh? Wanna go, wise acre?" A muffin called me a "wise acre." Farm to table, I guess.

I'm troubled by this and it is hard to explain why. The idea that a cereal has a "retro" version is problematic. Like the opposite of "new and improved" -- this box is "old and bad, from before we discovered how to make it edible". Then, to think that the retro version is the one that has actual honey in it...as opposed to what, exactly?

And finally (over here...Sparky has one to talk about on his page), we have this, a special for my Jewish friends. Now, I know there is an explanation which makes sense under Jewish law, but I want you to put yourself in the mind of a less informed kosher consumer and imagine how confused you might be:

Again, I know that there is no contradiction here to those of us who understand, but someone who is not as familiar with labeling and religious considerations, this must be a brain twister.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

 DOD and DOM - 

Hi guys. I figured that this was a reasonable time to get you up to date with the world since you shuffled off. I don't know if you guys get a paper or watch news where you are so I'm just covering my bases here.

Mom -- it has been a year, and what a year. You didn't pay much attention to the Covid thing but it has been a top story. We are just now getting out from under it. Talia still has your bowling ball in her car. Speaking of cars, I returned yours after we repaired the damage. Someday, you'll have to tell me the story of how that door got dented. We have been untangling a world of bills, taxes, accounts and various and sundry financial confusions. I think we are almost done at least until the next thing pops up. I still monitor your email and try to unsubscribe from various lists and companies. Other than spam, you haven't gotten anything important. You have a lot of catching up to do in crosswords. A whole year...that should take you at least 3 days to do.

Dad -- as we approach 3 years (crazy that it has been that long) I'll try to fill you in: along with the Covid thing, the whole world is at sixes and sevens politically. You would be having a ball as the pool of material for righteous indignation is deep and rich. I can only imagine the letters you would have written. Your political party is turning more and more into not-your-party and the state of the mideast only confirms your lifelong beliefs about the various players. 'Nuff said...I keep hoping that you left a final-final blog post that will magically appears as a November surprise. Brandeis continues to disappoint. Even the virtual reunions are on Shabbat and their knee jerk social justice platform borders on the ridiculous.

Both of you (I'm saving postage by putting this all together): We sold the house. It wasn't easy but it is done. We had to get rid of all sorts of stuff and that all hurt more than abandoning a building. The phone number is no more and we have no connection to the notion of 55. Strangely, it is those little things, the ideas, which create the void, not the physical structures. Sparky is still Sparky, only blinder. Mad and Tal are wonders, making us all proud everyday. Plans for August move forward (just another momentous occasion which you will miss) and both girls will be in school in the fall (Mad in the city for grad school and Tal in NB working on clinicals). I am reminded of you, dad, in aspects of each girl (one was in the service, one will be in the medical field). And mom, these girls join groups and then run them because they know how to get things done, so thank you for that. They are smart, funny and, most importantly, kind. They both have a strong connection to the pillars of community, Judaism and Israel which you both valued so highly.

Guys, bottom line, it still hurts. It hurts every day and sometimes, it is all I can do not to sit and cry. Or at least wallow. I still have so many questions and I still regret missed opportunities and stupid decisions. I tell the world stories because I want your memory and memories to live on. I try to be someone you can be proud of and encourage my kids to follow in your footsteps. Sparky, less so. Mad is a vegetarian (sorry dad) and Tal doesn't have a preternatural sense of direction (sorry mom) but they are adventurers who are ready to take on the world. They miss you too and I'm grateful that they were able to know the both of you.

And the Mets are still difficult to watch. I would say that you guys wouldn't recognize anyone on the roster, but that holds true of people who were alive just 2 weeks ago.

As we say in Latin,

I miss you,

We miss you,

He, She, It misses you.

Love you guys,

Dan