Let's put the fun in

 Another funeral. Another sad day, a day on which family, some too young have to start a process of living in the past. A contemporary passed away.  I know I have posted speeches, wishes and reflections, but I now want to add some things that need to be said or pointed out for and at my funeral.

First, many people laud the deceased for his willingness to “give the shirt off his back.” I want people who speak about me to make clear that I would give the shirt, the shoes, and possibly a hat, if it isn’t a really nice hat. Not because I’m particularly nice, but because it really isn’t that nice a hat.

I hope that my students remember me, and remember me fondly. I know that some teachers like to say that their students are like their children. I want it to be known that my students are not like my children because my children don’t laugh at my jokes and my students ask before they eat my food.

A note about my sense of humor. Someone is going to want to make a comment about the jokes I make, using words like “corny” or “dumb.” That’s ok, as long as these words are preceded by “not”. My sense of humor is fantastic and epic and if you don’t get it then I’m glad I’m dead.

When arrangements are being made for the funeral, book the room for like 4 hours. I want so many speeches that there has to be an intermission and a second act. As for speakers, I want my wife, my kids, my siblings, other family members (by blood, marriage or crime syndicate affiliation), former students, friends, colleagues, local politicians, religious leaders, celebrities and luminaries from a variety of fields. I want a Zoom link, a dedicated website with a comments section (moderated by my brother), Facebook live, a mosh pit, cheap seats, picnic area and (for the contest winners) a seat or two on stage.

Speaking of booking the room, I’d like a room reserved for a memorial service (30 days after I go, a year, who knows…surprise me). At this event, I’d like someone who gave a speech at the funeral to get up and begin speaking by saying “and another thing”. Another speaker should get up and talk about something completely unrelated to my passing but which I would have been annoyed at, like what’s the deal with “paddle shifting” in cars. If you want to drive stick, learn to drive stick dammit.