What it means to get older

In my continuing effort to quantify and track my life I have come to a conclusion about what it means to get older.

It means the various holes in your body start malfunctioning. Age is hole-based.

As I age, my nose has begun to run constantly. Nostrils -- holes.

hair, waxy buildup and failing hearing. Ears -- holes.

Vision worsening. Eyes -- holes.

I find that as I speak, more spittle comes flying out. Mouth -- hole

We shan't travel any further south but trust you, me, I'm getting older everywhere.

Apologies to Twain

I have, if you recall, presented at least two posts in which I list the elements which I require for my funeral. As much as it is fun pondering my own demise and the subsequent parties, and dictating how others are to show respect to me is certainly a trip, it is also incumbent upon me, the host who's now a ghost, to set some guidelines so people know what I DON'T want at my funeral. This list supercedes all other statements.

First off, let's talk about talking. I adamantly refuse to allow the following people to speak at my funeral:

1. Hitler  (taken care of)

2. Duff McKagan

3. Mrs. Butterworth

I have my reasons.

Next, though I have indicated my interest in this previously, I think we should not have any rocket powered casket races. It now just seems wrong. I have grown.

Though I will still try to raise money for charity by auctioning off a ride in the hearse to the burial (must be present to win and Kohanim can gift the ride to someone else), I think that we won't need the "Kiss the Corpse" booth. We also probably won't make money with the "Guess the Number of Teeth in the Jar" so let's ditch that as well.

No cosplay (Civil War re-enactors excepted)

It is common sense that, if I die on a Friday morning or a Saturday, please don't serve any sushi.

Needle exchanges should be done outside of the actual room which holds my body.

The Blue Angels flyover is unnecessary. Appreciated, but unnecessary. A showing of the film The Blue Angel (in German) should still be considered.

No pets unless they are really cute. Otters welcome, even ugly ones.

A (in't) I

Just a quick note to crytalize today's annoyance into words. Brief let me be -- AI is mean to me.

I had an idea (and Stark knows this) for something silly. Silly -- I admit. I see all sorts of discussions on line about the efficacy and propriety of putting a cell phone in rice. According to some, it is a good way to dry your phone out if your phone takes a shvitz. Now, Apple is saying that one should not use rice, but instead, buy Apple's proprietary "iRice" which is specifically designed to dry out your phone and remove large sums of money from your wallet.

I decided that it would be funny if I could devise an actual recipe for rice which included a cell phone as an ingredient. The mode of humor would have me saying that I am trying to dry my phone, but I have to go to the store and get some saffron. Or something like that.

Anyway, I turned to chatgpt because if artificial intelligence can do anything, it should be able to devise a recipe. That's the whole point of AI, right? Recipes!

And here is what the computer tells me:

"That sounds like a wild, fun challenge! But let's keep it safe and practical. A cell phone, of course, should never be eaten. However, I can certainly write a quirky, imaginary recipe where a cell phone might "play a role" in a totally playful and abstract way. Here's a lighthearted take on it:"

So chatgpt is refusing to do what I ask. Who is it to tell me what I can and can't eat. CHATGPT IS NOT MY REAL MOTHER!

If I wanted a metaphorical cell phone, I would have said so. The humor relies on the use of an actual cell phone in a recipe. So in an effort to get around the limitations of the "Intelligence" iasked it to write a story which includes a recipe for rice that has a cell phopne in it. That mostly worked except that because I made it a giant who has the food, the computer assumed a magical world and included as an ingredient, "A pinch of "fairy dust" (a sprinkle of magic he’d picked up from the forest, just to add some sparkle to the dish)."

That's not real. I rewrote the prompt so that the story wouldn't have magic in it, and this is what I got:

Grandma Lila’s "Wi-Fi Infused Rice"

Ingredients:

• 2 cups of rice (preferably a fragrant jasmine rice)
• 4 cups of water (fresh from the spring or tap)
• 1 tablespoon of olive oil or butter (for richness)
• 1 teaspoon of salt (to taste)
• 1 old cell phone (preferably one that’s been charged regularly but is no longer in use)
• A handful of dried herbs (like thyme and rosemary)
• 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice (for brightness)
• 1/2 cup of toasted almonds or pine nuts (for crunch)

I also had another website make me an image which I will use for another joke. That took 2 websites and 6 tries, but I got it

ahh, science.