Residual Spiritual

 People who have spent time around me recently know that I'm shifting into a more spiritual direction (or trying to). I am working at seeing the divine hand in my every day life. And I have. Often. Weird coincidences which end up being important or significant. Confluences of events, echoes unexpectedly appearing -- things that I am guilty of having ignored or chalked up to the goofiness that is reality. I now see them as intentional, as involvement of God, on the private level, in my life.

This has also impacted my prayer. I'm trying to be more "present" when I pray because if God is willing to show his hand, I should be willing to play open as well. This has actually helped me understand the purpose of some parts of prayer that I hadn't pieced together. And, sure, maybe I'm just seeing links where they don't exist, or even where scholars have noted them for generations. But, hey, now it is my turn to see them and it is a revelation for ME. You don't like it? Can't help you.

In the morning, one of the blessings we say praises God for being one who opens the eyes of the blind. I'm not officially blind, but that openness, that awareness of what is really going on around me is what I have to see. I need to acknowledge that this whole big machine of the universe is all humming along with God as the constant engineer. If I don't see it, I am as a blind man stumbling around, unable to fulfill other commandments because I can't see the God is behind it all. I also praise God for lifting up those who have fallen. Just because I didn't see yesterday, or I ignored what was in front of me does not mean that I'm lost. God gives us each day to start over. Every day is a new year's beginning and I am given the strength, awareness and understanding to get back up and try again. I want to be accounted as one of the holy ones who praise God and to do that, I have to see all that God does all around me.

In the central prayer of the Amida, I hope, fervently that I can be considered a holy one even though I need God's help to be brought back from the dead EVERYDAY. Not just physically, mind you, but religiously -- I have an opportunity to be a new-born child who starts with a clean slate and can do better than he did yesterday. I ask for the intelligence to recognize that without God, all sorts of other things just won't happen. By the end of the section of requests, I attest to God's presence in my life -- the miracles and wonders that are all around me and that, I hope, I can now see so that I can sing proper praises.

It isn't easy to live with eyes open all the time. You expect something, some sort of obviousness. But like understanding a prophecy, sometimes, it only works in hindsight. Last week, I was accosted by a man on the street who wanted me to buy him a meal. I was ok with that part but he wanted to take me on a train ride to where he sleeps. I refused and offered, again, to buy him some food. We walked into a small store and he first asked for a pack of cigarettes. To that, I said "no." I was willing to buy him food but not tobacco. We left on good terms but it was an awkward (borderline uncomfortable) experience. And then, right after, I happened to run into two former students. Had I not been taken the way this guy dragged me, had he not taken up a precise amount of time, I would not have run into these students. At the time, I couldn't see how the wheels were turning to make things work out. But right after, that slot machine paid off and I had a wonderful conversation with a couple of great guys. Would I have known had I missed them? No, but seeing that I ran into them was an incredible pleasure so I can look at the vagrant who tried to get me to buy him cancer and say gamzu l'tovah and when I pray, I can admit that this all was part of a bigger plan.

These "coincidences" are always happening and I thank God every day that I have the ability to see them for what they are.