Why I'm still on Earth this morning

The voices were like the heavenly choir. Harmonies so rich that they had their own harmonies filled my head as a blue light bathed me in radiance. Alone, walking home that night, I hadn't considered aliens or any sort of visitation which was ironic as that was usually what filled my thoughts.

I have always been interested in outer space -- the stars, planets, galaxies and the vast expanse that begs comprehension. I look up at the night sky and imagine myself spending any number of lifetimes crossing the distances and seeing wondrous miracles, life forms, explosions and things unimaginable. I'm often lost in thought as I gaze into the inky past, dreaming, wishing, even hoping that some force, some intelligence would somehow descend and pick me, yes me, to be the one to travel to the stars and represent humanity in this contact. This is why it was so unusual that at the moment when the beings finally made their presence known, I was not thinking of traveling to the out there which is out there.

"Come with us..."

The sound was as much in my head as around it. I was awash in sound, full and tangible. I looked up, realizing that, though the light was bright, it didn't need to shield my eyes. I both saw its center and was at its center.

"Come with us..." the voice repeated. I was stunned, too shocked even to respond. The light beckoned me, it drew me in and I found myself walking in it and reaching.

"Come with us..." again, the pull. Everything I had yearned for, within my grasp.

"Hold on," I said, pulling out my phone, "I just have to tell the wife that I won't be home for...how long?"

"What?" Even in their confusion the aliens' music lifted my soul.

"I want to let her know that she shouldn't expect me home for dinner and, maybe also breakfast?"

"Of course..."

"Hey -- I should probably let my boss know. He'll have to arrange some sort of coverage while I...what will I be doing again? I need to know so I can take the right kind of day."

The choir responded with a lushness that sang to my core."Come with us and explore the mysteries of the universe."

"OK, so vacation day. Go it. Hold on." I started to dial and then put the phone down. "Like how long are we talking. The universe is big but I only get 6 personal days."

"We have worlds to discover together, and we wish to share the secrets of civilizations beyond your understanding, dimensions of which you cannot conceive -- we want you to-"

"Right, so I'll probably need to take the whole bunch. That means I can't take one in March for my kid's recital. Hmmmmm."

"Come with us..." Its lure, irresistible.

"Yes...with you. Um...how does time work?"

"What?"

"I mean, will it seem like a long time, but we will be traveling so fast that the experience will be over really quickly? I haven't davened shacharis yet, so am I going to need to grab my tefillin before we go, or will we be back soon?"

"You will see the face of god in all things, and worship with an honesty and nearness you cannot even begin to imagine..."

"Right, but do I need my tefillin? And how are you people fixed on snacks? I have a gluten thing, so I'd appreciate if you had some vegetables or maybe rice crackers. I'm a bear to be around if I have gluten."

"We can give you the ambrosia, nectar of the stars, to fill you up in ways that -"

"I can't imagine, yeah, but under whose hashgacha? Do you guys have wi-fi up there?"

"You will be one with the cosmos, communing with nebulae and touching the heavens...come with us..."

"Yeah, but wi-fi? I will want to update my status, and live tweet this whole trip thing. Damn, I'm at 14%. I need to grab a charger, and maybe a change of clothes. What should I dress for -- cold? Hot? Do I need a sweater? Will we be meeting anyone so I should be maybe formal?" You meet some nice aliens and begin talking like your grandparents.

"Do you want to come or not?" The harmonies rang and I could almost feel myself lifted up by a power beyond my body.

"Am I going to be on my feet a lot? I have PT this afternoon and my foot is really aching. Do you have a guy? I need heat and massage and someone to work on joint strengthening. Also, can we stop by CVS on the way? I need to get more migraine medicine. Ooooh, also a magazine. You like People?"

"We love people and wish to usher humanity into a new age of -"

"No, the magazine. I'll get you an Us Weekly. I just have to stop off an grab some cash. Can you guys wait here? I'll just be a sec."

And, as I turned to make a quick withdrawal of, like, forty bucks, they left. The bastards.

To Brag

Allow me to brag. Allow me to bask in the glory, and brag. Not about me. Well, at least not directly about me. And please, don't judge me as a braggart just because I brag. I spill over with pride and I wish to share it. With all my complaining, you'd think you people would be happy that I'm happy. Sheesh.

Anyway, there are milestones by which we judge "growing up." I recall a TV show in which a son's maturity was marked by his ability to beat his father in a basketball game. Maybe it was an arm wrestling match. I watch them both with the same level of enthusiasm so I can't much tell the difference. But I'm no athlete. I'm what scientists like to call "a lazy good for nuthin'" Then they spit. It's Latin -- sorry if you don't get it. In my house, we value pursuits of the mind. So when your mind wanders, you can say it is just out doing research. I have tried to be the bedrock of information, intellectual method and curiosity for my kids and have tried to engage them in the process of discovery and debate so that they become better thinkers and communicators. So what could signify that they have reached a particular plateau and become kings of that particular trapezoidal mountain? When they knock me off. Intellectually. Not like dead, but bettered.

They know that to be conceded to when making cogent points is a feat and a great moment. Ever since they started presenting powerpoints to justify a trip to Florida, and assembling lists of pros and cons about why we should get a dog, they have both appreciated the systematic assembling of argument. That's plenty to get a dad's proud revving. But they weren't ready yet to challenge me on an issue of current concern and argue me into rethinking a position. Until now.

I don't often get my opinion changed. I think most of us, when we have thought through a position and firmly entrenched ourselves don't get jostled too much - not because of stubbornness and the fear of instability, but because if we are ready to declare a position, it is the result of deep and sincere thought and consideration. So when I had my mind changed due to a conversation I watched on line between strangers in a discussion forum, that was pretty big news for me. My underlying understanding didn't change, but I was able to recontextualize my position so that it effected a different outward expression. I saw things differently so I didn't oppose what I had opposed -- not because I changed the baseline belief about its rectitude (or lack) but because the milieu in which it existed was explained in a way where I saw that my opposition was unnecessary. It was a grand start. That was about 10 years ago. Then there was 2 days ago. I was driving my younger child into The City (if you have to ask which then you aren't paying attention -- The City) and, knowing that she is a passionate social justice warrior with a heart of gold, I asked her how she felt about a particular issue. I pushed and challenged and then presented my position which was, in many ways, opposite hers. We are able, you see, to disagree on major social issues and still relate together because we respect that positions don't define one's humanity; they are simply expressions of understanding. People should try that.

So there we are, driving down the FDR and chatting. I lay out my feelings and ask difficult questions and she responds. I was pretty sure that I would be able to cite enough statistics and anecdotes to justify why I felt the way I did and that, though she would make a fine showing, ultimately, she would have to accept that my position is valid. And that I could smile and nod at youthful exuberance and idealism while making sure that she was exposed to my, no doubt more worldly and informed statements. I pointed out that her position was inconsistent. She granted me that and we tried to explore the parameters which would define when she felt one way and when the other. I admitted my inconsistency and tried to express where I drew various lines. She pushed back. Everything was going well. Then she took a tack for which I was not prepared. She pointed out (through both anecdote and logic, coupled with common sense) that my baseline statistic was simply wrong. Now I'm no fan of statistics and I know that they are the tools of manipulators and liars, plus I don't understand them so much, but in general, big numbers that are commonly accepted seem safe -- basic correlations like "people with guns are more likely to shoot people than people without guns" and "if you don't eat, you gonna die." She questioned one of my big numbers: if I rely on a particular trend in order to predict future behavior, but that trend was established through improper thinking which would have been the result of using that trend, then my statistic is circular and baseless.

Here's an analog (and I'm working very hard not to bring up the specific topic we discussed so that any reader's thinking about this isn't clouded by his or her own preconceived notions):

I say we can predict tomorrow's weather by looking at the statistics of how much it rained on days after a football game.
She points out that those statistics were generated by people who ignored when it rained on days after no-football because they expected a correlation so they found it, and the later statistics which purport to show an effect are actually just pointing out the cause -- there is a higher correlation because those are the ones we counted in the past! Yes, it is more complex than that and without showing the actual topic of discussion, it is hard to explain fully and clearly, but trust me - she made me rethink what I knew and believed about relying on a particular trend's value. I fell into a sullen silence which masked a true admiration, which was covering a sullen silence. I'm complex like that.

Now I'm not saying that I am discarding my entire position. I still think that my ideas have merit. But this kid, whom I refer to as "the smart one," shut me down in a way. Now my other kid, whom I refer to as "the smart one" (fortunately, neither reads my blog, so neither knows that I think they are both smart...that's a relief) has argued her points well for many years, but we haven't sparred on questions of politics and the communal conscience. That's why the other one went through the army, her own apartment, moving to another country and becoming a vegetarian. She's smart like that. This one will change the world, one mind at a time. I am the proud dad of two women. Two brilliant, strong and strong willed women who see a better future and are working with their bodies and minds to make that vision a reality. Color me convinced

End brag. We now resume our regularly scheduled complaint. My foot hurts.

a pre-Yom Kippur Ne'ilah thought

A Yom Kippur thought (really about the Ne'ilah service but I'm putting it out there nowbecause the point is not to wait until the gates have closed). Inspired and driven by the words of Rabbi David Sher.

There is a commonly quoted idea about the month of Elul and the days of repentance -- these are days when we can approach God because, as the phrase says, the king is in the field. God is available, not in his palace, guarded by layers of intermediaries, but wandering among us, willing to meet us with a smile whenever and wherever we make any attempt to reach him. It is a nice thought.

I see the metaphor as more than that. We don't just see the king in the field and shout "Hey, Mr. King, I need a ______" or "I'd like to _____" and let him walk away while we go back to our business. We, realizing the unique opportunity, leverage the moment to walk with the king. We are elevated by his presence and we bask in that, hoping to eke out a little more of his glow by increasing our time with him. We pray longer and harder, with words that underscore his position and our realization of it. Daily, for more than a month we meet the king in the field, accompanying him on a long walk during which we relish the chance to discuss our dreams, our fears, successes and failures.

Then we realize that we have wandered with him on his long path back to his palace. By the afternoon of Yom Kippur we have made it all the way to the gates. At this point, the king walks in and we, stopped by his guards, can only address him from across the threshold. We take the last opportunity to make our case, and show who we are, who we have become and who we can still turn in to. The gates are closing -- the Ne'ilah service is that shutting of the gate. God will not be inaccessible but he won't be right there -- we will have to go through channels for the next 11 months. So we take those final moments to shout to the king through the slowly closing gate. We know the gates can be opened through tears and prayer, but the prayers will still have to wend their way to the king. Our walk is over. Time to go home and get back to the way things were before.

So while the king is still in the field, or on the road, or in the driveway, let's take advantage of his availability and pour our hearts into his service so that when the gates begin to close we don't get desperate and fearful, but instead can understand that we will always have the key and we, WE, escorted a king until the very last moment that we were allowed to.