A Higher Level, first

I attended a funeral recently -- not my own, thankfully, but I keep thinking that the odds that I will be able to make that statement go down every time I am at a funeral. The rabbi who ran the proceedings and introduced the family members who spoke, mentioned that we were gathered to give "Kavod Acharon" (the Hebrew phrase translating to "final respects") to the deceased. The children and grandchildren spoke of the example that the beloved man set and how they will emulate him and learn from him. It dawned on me that the words of the rabbi were therefore wrong.

I had never really considered it before, but that notion of "kavod acharon" is simply incorrect.

In Judaism, the issue of "kavod" or respect (gravitas, maybe, as the word is related to a word meaning "weighty") is a really important one. The talmud and the commentators provide many examples of how one gives respect, but I think that maybe they missed a little part. Or maybe some famous people figured this all out already and I'm late to the party and ignorant of the classics. Potayto, potahto.

In terms of dealing with our parents, the Torah commands us two things -- Kaved et avicha v'et imecha, respect your father and your mother and Ish imo v'aviv tira'u, a man should fear (be in awe) of his mother and father. Citations available upon googling. Do your own homework. The two verbs are kaved, honor/give respect to, and tira'u, fear or be in awe of. I listened to an explanation of the difference between the two online. Apparently, one major split is that honoring has to do with a passive acceptance and fear is a more proactive set of behaviors. Or something like that. Truth is, it didn't get to what I was looking for so I tuned out.

There is a mitzvah/commandment in Judaism which holds a special place, that of participating in the preparation for and the burial of someone. The recipient cannot say "thank you" so the act shows a respect and care without regard to recompense of any sort. This is part of "kavod hamet" -- respecting/honoring the dead. Honor, it seems, is elevated here when there is no one who benefits who can acknowledge the act. In terms of honor vs. fear, it seems to me that fear is about the concern for consequence. I don't want to disappoint, annoy or otherwise fun afoul of my parents, so I fear them and show reverence. But honor is silent and unknown. It is not about what happens afterwards; it is only about how we are supposed to be because that's just how we are supposed to be.

In that sense, when we see that a loved one has passed, and we resolve to emulate that person and incorporate important lessons into our future daily life, even though we know that the deceased can't comment on or provide feedback for our actions, we are intending to live a life dedicated to a continual kavod, honor and respect for that loved one! In fact, then, our presence at the funeral, and our continued existence, keeping in mind the wishes, life and lessons of the one who has passed, is not a Kavod Acharon, (final respect) but the Kavod Rishon, the first respect! Now that the person has passed, that person cannot see what we do, so our actions, being performed with no "thank you" are now a higher level of respect -- we do them because they are the right thing to do, not because we are concerned with the repercussions. Kavod doesn't end. It actually starts at this moment.

The term Kavod Acharon is a few hundred years old. It does capture one aspect of how we relate to the passing of a loved one, but it misses a whole other dimension that I believe we need to focus on. Let us concentrate on respecting the loved one who passed on every day, at every moment and making the funeral an opportunity to begin a new chapter of respect and honor instead of seeing it as a closing, a last respect.