Riposte

I know I come up with some fanciful thoughts -- I twist words and interpret text in a way which others might think of as liberal (in terms of meaning, not application). A bunch of years ago, I presented (here? on Facebook? in a file on some computer somewhere? I don't recall) a somewhat strange reading. It went a little like this.

At a certain point in the chumash, Ya'akov avinu says (Bereishit 37:35) כִּֽי־אֵרֵ֧ד אֶל־בְּנִ֛י אָבֵ֖ל שְׁאֹ֑לָה (ki ered el b'ni aveil she'ola) " I will go down mourning to my son in Sheol" (translation from Sefaria). That word, Sheol has been discussed well, to death. Rashi says that it means "the grace" and refers to "Gehenom" (a word/reference with its own interesting etymology). The Ibn Ezra vociferously disagrees and says it simply means "down". I'll let them fight it out. I have other ideas.

Judaism is a question which thrives on intellectual curiosity. Our sages agrued over finer points, challenged each other and (as shown above) disagreed across years and miles. We are driven to ask questions and investigate the answers and not give up. In the talmud, sometimes the answer is illogical but based in fath and sometimes, it is "teiku" (we don't know yet but will in the future) but that's an answer. So what is this "grave" word? She'ola, which has the same letters as she'eilah, a question. It seems that the suffering of death hinges on the torture of an unanswered question. What could be more excruciating than being possessed of questions and problems and having no way of even investigating towards any sort of answer. This is true next-world suffering in my humble opinion.

That's what I came up with years ago. Not so bad, I think.

But that's not what inspired me today. Today, if you aren't keeping score at home, is the 13th of Elul. As such, we are in the midst of preparations for the high holiday season and we are encouraged to explore paths towards repentance. Repentance. An English word that seems to indicate that I pentanced already and it is time to do so again. "Repent" is an ancient word that comes from the Latin penitire (to regret, which requires multiple grets, I guess) plus the intensive re- prefix. To really regret. In Hebrew, though, we don't use a word that has to do with regret -- we say "t'shuva".

T'shuva has to do with going back, returning. In a sense, this overlaps with regret as it indicates a change in thoughts. My mind goes back to the event. I wish I could have the moment back so I could act differently. I have changed my way of thinking about the propriety (or lack thereof) of my actions. There is a lot of "going back" and "returning" for sure. But that's not what the word REALLY means. And I know, because I made up a new meaning.

Teachers use the word t'shuva often, though, generally when speaking or teaching Hebrew. Use it in a French class in a public school in Iowa and it won't really have the same punch. The word is a regular old noun meaning "answer." The meaning develops from the idea of "response" or a rejoinder. A word or message is sent back, returning to the one who asked a question. So why is this the word we use for repentance (or vice versa)?

Maybe, just maybe, I can stitch these two concepts of questions and answers together. Could it be that we, at this time of year, start thinking about the implications and consequences of our behavior on our soul and see that bad behavior will lead us to She'ol, to a state of questions with no answers. So what do we do? We immerse ourselves in the process of answering. We study (I don't understand the laws and have questions), we read (I have questions of faith -- let me see what great thinkers have said) and we come up with solutions to our questions (why did I do that? How can I change?) We realize that there is an ultimate answer and it isn't 42. As in the talmud, sometimes it is an answer of "have faith in God" even if that means "I can't tell you now, but trust me, there is an answer and you will get it in the future." Our soul is then reassured -- the future is not about unanswered questions, but about answers to the things we can't wrap our brains about now. T'shuva saves us from She'ol. Answers will make sure we are not left with only questions.

Let this be a year of understanding -- ourselves and others. Let this be a year in which we find answers, or move towards them, and a year in which our questions drive us towards understanding, not leaving us adrift. Let us return in all ways, to the faith that everything will be answered in the future. Let us do t'shuva.