Owner's Manual, Chapter 7

Why Don't Travel

Note please: This chapter is not entitled "Why I don't Travel" as the facts listed herein are generalizable to any and all of good sense.

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Traveling, with only minor exceptions, is bad. People shouldn't do it and if you disagree, you are wrong. I will lay out my case in this chapter so that no one makes the mistake of traveling. I will, of course, explore the exceptions but don't go in expecting there to be a wide enough selection of reasons TO travel to justify your last cruise to no where.

I. Underlying stupidity

1. You are currently paying someone to be where you are -- home, apartment, dorm, wherever. You own someone something and you pay for it. Why then pay to be anywhere else? If you move to elsewhere then you can pay someone there and not pay the people where you used to live. But that isn't traveling, that is moving. That is dealt with in Chapter 8, "When and Why to Move."

Exceptions -- if you live in an RV, van or are homeless. Then, going anywhere is traveling and is acceptable, though for the first 2, staying put can save money.

It costs money to travel, to stay elsewhere and to pay for all the accouterments to travel. When one goes places, one spends on things that he or she might otherwise not want, need or care to pay for. Cabs, meals, refrigerator magnets and such. Dumb as dumb can be.

2. You are currently in a reasonable state of mental health. If you need a break, take vacation days and sit on the lawn in a chair watching the useful idiots run off to work. Go to the local mall and buy nothing. But why have the stress of planning, the angst of waiting and the mental, emotional and physical pain of having to remember everything, get somewhere on time, carry heavy baggage and all that goes along with travel, only to have to do the same, in reverse when your date of return approaches?

3. You know where you are, what time it is and how to get to where you are going next. Dealing with jet lag, changes in time zones (and their effect on television schedules!) unknown streets and local customs seems like an unnecessary strain.

II. Stupid methods

You have to get places by doing something. We don't have (as of this writing) practical beaming technology, so you have to get up and get out of your house (already a bad idea) and take what we like to call a "mode of transportation" (which we will not heretofore be referring to as MOT). Modes of transportation are a necessary evil. This does not make them any less evil.

1. By walking. While this is not a horrible option it limits you to travel within a walking distance of your home base unless you get up really early (another bad idea) and intend to walk for a bunch of days straight, carrying all your stuff. This is called hiking and it defies all logic. It is the land version of a cruise, only with different modes of depressing thoughts. And bears. What the hell?

2. By car. Great, pay for gas, map out routes to avoid toll roads, find a hotel, motel (not "or Holiday Inn" as a Holiday Inn is just an example of a hotel -- why would you list it separately? Duh.) and pay to be there, worried that some homicidal maniac IS IN THE TUB!!!! I know right? Also, cars limit range of travel unless you split the criticizing of the driving between consenting adults with license to criticize, and avoid things like sleep and showers so you can get somewhere very far away and begin dreading the exact same drive back.

3. By train. All abored! Just sit back and watch nature whizz past as you sit back and, um, watch nature whizz past. Break out a deck of cards and play solitaire which you could NEVER do at home, right? Walk over to the club car and pay too much for something wrapped in plastic. Or stretch out and take a nap. You aren't missing anything. And when you get to your destination, feel free to rent a car so you can also drive, or get a cab so you are at the mercy of locals. It's all good. Of course, you can tack the auto-train which requires driving to the one place that the auto-train is, and going to exactly where the auto-train goes, then you can drive your own car to somewhere else. Rinse, repeat on the way back. Hoorah.

4. By sea. Assuming that you live near a port (there is a special place in hell for those people who take a plane to the ship -- doubling down on dumb. Two stresses for the price of two! Who needs those last 10 years of your life?) you can take your stuff and get on a hotel which also makes you nauseated! What do you gain by going on a cruise instead of to the local 6 star hotel for s few nights? Oh yeah, the inky blackness of the infinite sea at night, beckoning you closer, drawing you in...no one would know. Just jump. Don't tell me you haven't felt the pangs of despair as you stood by the rail and stared into the heart of nothingness, all alone at 3AM. You know you have. It wasn't just me. It wasn't, dammit!

5. By air. God gave us gravity and he doesn't like it when we mess with that. Sure, with enough speed and science metal buses with wings can fly from place to place until God, in a fit of pique reminds us that there is still gravity. Planes can't pull over to the side of the sky to fix a flat. Turbulence (or "chop") does allow you to taste the airline food more than once, so there's that. But airports with their security lines, passport control lines, check-in lines and boarding lines bring out the absolute truth in humanity. We are all horrible and after all the squabbling on line, the best idea we have is to be cramped into seats too small to watch a movie we avoided when it first came out to the theaters, and argue over the armrest with a stranger. Sure, you can pay to upgrade, but is it worth spending double the price so that you can, for a space of between 4 and 12 hours, not be as uncomfortable? I can be less uncomfortable for free by staying home. Idiot.

6. By animal. Sure, by all means, abuse one of nature's gentle beasts. At least return the favor and carry the horse on your back for the return trip. Does that make any sense? Exactly.

III. Stupid reasons

Why travel? In this section I will go through the reasons that people travel and why, with some exceptions, they are unpersuasive and you are a fool if you let these reasons persuade you. Because they are unpersuasive. Didn't you just read what I wrote? Jeez.

1. To see places and their things. This is the most widespread reason people travel, so that they can see things. Why would people ever want to see things? Because they are pretty? They are ugly? They are old? And also, the things they see might be those also. HA! Anyway, what is there that you can't see on the internet, from the comfort of your local Starbucks? You want art? The internet has it. You want to see the ruins of some long lost civilization? Internet. The sunset? I'll pull up 10,000 jpegs for you. Tourists aren't supposed to touch Stonehenge, or take the Mona Lisa home, so what's the point of schlepping thousands of miles to look at anything in person? You say that you want to feel the rain forest? Come over and I'll spray you with acid rain mixed with bird crap and then I'll let some local mosquitoes give you a disease you haven't heard of. All so that you can look at a flower and tell your friends. Why the fascination with things that exist somewhere else? Have you ever really just looked at your lawn? Lie down on your lawn and look at each blade. Free, and you'll get all the dirt and bugs up your nose that the Amazon could offer, except you will be keeping your money local, so that local bugs have jobs. Winter outside? Go count snowflakes, human and otherwise. You realize that if you walk the length of the Great Wall of China you have had to walk, had to get to China and all you did was walk on a wall. I'm sure you can get the concomitant (stress on the 2nd syllable) T-shirt online: "I walked the Great Wall of China and who the hell cares?" You want to scuba dive? Stick your head in the toilet and see what lives there? You can swim locally and go to an aquarium. Now siddown and shut up.

2. To share experiences with others. Yes, we both went to Paris and saw the Eiffel Tower. So now what do we talk about? Remember when we both saw a tower? That was awesome. Hey, did you ever see The Leaning Tower of Pisa? Dude, it's leaning! Did you take one of those pictures where it makes it seem like you are holding it up? Yeah, so did literally everybody else. If no one visited, no one would have to visit to keep up with insipid conversation. We could all talk about things that matter like local snow or why we have bugs in our noses but that grass is cool. No one wants to see your pictures or hear your stories unless in those stories someone suffers and then, you could transplant it to someplace local and it would be just as funny.

3. To experience local culture. What a crock. Is it really fascinating that the people in other countries do a different set of denigrating tasks to attract your pocket change? Must you walk through their local markets to feel better about yourself as you buy a scarf that no one really thinks is all that nice and you could have gotten it on eBay for less? Are the pick pockets in another city more able and admirable than those where you live? What local culture are you really interested in? How people can talk about you in another language and you think they are complimenting your hat? OOOH, a local house of worship with strange pictures and icons and people dressed differently so you can ogle them. Think about how you would feel if you, while in your local house of worship, doing your house of worship thing, suddenly saw tourists walk in and snap pictures while pointing at you. Weird, right? Same thing. Does a zoo in another country have any animals you couldn't gawk at closer to home?

Exceptions --

1. To connect with your heritage. If you are Irish and want to be in Ireland to be around Irish people and visit where your family lived 300 years ago, then that's OK, for 1 trip. If you are Muslim and want to do the Hajj, then that's fine -- you are driven by something larger than "just going" and I can get behind that. Very few go to the Cayman Islands to feel spiritually joined to their ancestors.

2. To see family. If you think that being in their physical presence really matters (hint, with Skype and the like it doesn't), then I can see why you would go to a particular place for a particular time. Either 1 day or the rest of your life. No in between. Once you have seen them, then hanging around and continuing to see them is useless, and if you really want to keep seeing them, then why leave, ever?

2a. To see friends. Well, if they were such great friends, why did they move, huh? If you are going to meet people whom you have only interacted with over the internet then please tell me where the key to your house is so that when you end up in pieces in somebody's freezer, I can take your television.

3. To experience an event that is limited in time and place. A graduation, a wedding or something else with which you have a personal/familial connection should be attended. Sometimes this requires travel and the hosts won't accept video-conferencing, robots, or local impersonators who bear a passing resemblance. Seeing shows and demonstrations which are happening in one place or time is somewhat acceptable. The question is why you attach such importance to seeing "Star Trek: The Interactive Ice Musical" in the first place. But I can see why one might want to be up front and personal for a coup d'etat. Those are the best coups by the way. Don't waste time and money on bloodless ones. This notion does not include going to see volcanoes erupt, going to see a guard being changed (gross, by the way) or any of the other natural and man-made events which can be seen online or in books. If you don't have a personal reason to be there, why go? The king of Spain doesn't care if you show up for his coronation unless you are a family member or an important person. You are reading this blog. You aren't. If you are really that addicted to gambling, find a closer casino, like your computer.

4. For work. You have to go. If you can manipulate the "must" into one that allows boozing and debauchery then have at it. Save your receipts from the hookers.

III. The Food Discussion

One reason people go places is to taste the eats that only other places provide. This is only rarely valid. You want to go to Italy for pizza? Is there no pizza place in your town? In, only a short car ride away, isn't there an "authentic pizza" fancy restaurant with irregular crusts, blogs of some strange cheese, and a few basil leaves on top? Viola, a musical instrument! I am ignoring for the moment the strain and hassle if you happen to have allergies or subscribe to a diet of any sort (religiously imposed or recommended by that smarmy doctor who just never seems to gain weight...young punk). Finding an eatery which conforms to your particular needs is an undue complication and isn't worth it. The various flavors of food around the world are attractive only in our minds. Food is food. You can go local and get something exotic. You needn't go too far to have something that you wouldn't make at home. True, some locales offer food which just isn't (allowed to be) available near your home, but is that really necessary to make for a successful trip? Is eating something, a momentary pleasure which costs you money, a reasonable cause for travel? We all travel and end up and a fast food chain anyway, eating something familiar which we can order by pointing and grunting since we aren't familiar with the native tongue. Try not to order the native tongue. Also gross. I like food as much as the next guy, and probably more than the guy next to him, but I could eat at a different restaurant every night for a week and still not exhaust what is available to me within a quick drive. We believe that the rest of the world has something to offer, but a steak on a fire is going to taste the same wherever you are.

Are there exceptions? Particular versions of food available in one place? Culinary offerings on the bucket list which must be tried once and only exist in one place (I have never tried KFC and that's the entire of my food bucket list)? Places which are MORE likely to accommodate allergies or dietary needs so going there expands the possibilities of food across the board? Yes, surely and as exceptions go, I can see food as being a good motivator. But that singular dimension of travel...does it outweigh all the costs and concerns incurred? I think not.

IV. In summary

Look, you are someplace, your home base. You liked it enough to choose it to be your home base and that's just skippy by me. But now you want to go elsewhere? Is there something wrong with where you are? What are you trying to escape? Is it the people all around you? Is it the climate? Is it John Law. Where you live is probably pretty alright and you can certainly, within a limited radius, find all the experiences, sights and sounds that you could ever need. You can ski in the summer, sit on sand in the winter, see shows, eat foods and ignore the phone all without much difficulty. Let's all stop being dissatisfied with where we are and what we have and limit our travel to the few and far between exceptions.

We could save the planet, our wallets and sanity if we all just stopped feeling the wanderlust to go somewhere. You will not convince me otherwise.

Back in the US

I left for the airport early -- that's what I do. If I had my druthers (or anyone's really) I would be at the airport for my return flight before I arrived. I figure it would be easier to get a cab at midnight than at 3AM so I decided that I could sit and do nothing more easily at the airport than in an empty apartment. My Gett arrived so we started off. On the way, we noticed three cars a little ahead driving slowly and showing off their flashy yellow lights. The wanted everyone to see the lights up close because they stopped and blocked traffic. We sat and I watched the meter. This lasted until someone in a position of authority decided that they had had enough inconveniencing strangers and making us watch the meter so they got up and drove off. I got to the departure area and it was EMPTY. No one working the check in counters, very few customers. I sat on the floor and played solitaire on my phone. Something must have happened because when I next looked up, counters were open, lines were huge and the place had come to life. I walked up to the ladies at the first security stop and asked whether, even though I was early, I could go and check in so I could go to the lounge. I was told that the rule, hard and fast, was 3 hours before the flight if I had a bag to check in. Had I just the carry on things would be different. Must rethink my packing strategy. So I went back and sat. I tried to kill time and wandered over to the self-check in kiosk machine. I had already checked in so I wasn't doing anything other than looking but the lady snapped at me "Don't push anything! We don;t push anything!" Here I am, hands behind my back, 4 feet from the machine and she yells at me. For no reason! This is indicative of a larger problem. She works here so she sees things, process and exception on a daily and hourly basis. But the people who go through here to their flights do so infrequently (at least by comparison). This lady should take a step back and try to empathize just a little instead of assuming that everyone thinks as she does. I notice the same thing on later security lines. Sure, that guy knows how to put things in the plastic bin because he tells people thousands of times every day. But I don;t know and he is talking to me. So he should maybe understand that I'm no expert and if he can't take a breath and be human then he needs another line of work. So there.

I noticed only a few minutes later that she was letting people checking in to my flight through. Jerk move on her part. I was standing right there and she let others in when she barked me back. Not cool. I waited a few minutes and wandered back, asking nicely what time she thought I should think about getting on line. She told me I could go through any time. She acted as if she was surprised that I waited this long to ask! Anyhoo, up to the security screener whom I satisfied by virtue of the truth and a sad-dad routine. Then to wait for the representatives to woman the British Airways check in counters. A few minutes later, the screens went on so the huddled masses split into lines and waited. A bunch of representatives came in and sat at the counters and started checking bags. Except not at the line I was on. No one showed up so we all just stood there. I was 3rd in line and wasn't happy. After about 10 minutes, a woman showed up and went through a lengthy and exhaustive warm-up routine. Another five minutes and she started processing things. Well, I figured, that should be the biggest obstacle, right? Wrong. Next was security (remove your belt, put your legs in a bin etc). I lost my scarf and had to go back to get it.. Then at passport control, my passport refused to be controlled. The biometrics couldn't agree that I was who I said I was so I had to wait on another line to have a real live human look me in the eye and say "yeah, those are your eyes I'm looking in to."

My gate was E6, all the way at the end of E concourse. I thought about finding a lounge but wasn't sure where it was. Lo and or behold, I see a lounge halfway down E! I walk in -- no they say, YOUR lounge is either in C or in B. Well, long story short, it wasn't in C. And when I got to B, I almost lost my passport and boarding passes, my glasses and my mind. Mostly I got a whole lotta steps in. My lounge was a large room with a lot of chairs and a self-serve food area. I saw no rabbinic kosher supervision so after all that, I had orange juice and water. Such luxury. I was already nauseated and hadn't even flown yet. I'm not sure what I expected from the lounge (massages, sleeping quarters?) but it seemed rather bland. I did some reading online and found that all the lounges (and the affiliated restaurant, currently closed) in Ben Gurion are kosher so I felt emboldened and had a bowl of cereal and milk. Had I only a carry-on, I would come really early and have like 10 bowls of cereal! (by the way, the website said that all the food in Ben Gurion is kosher, but I know that that's not true so maybe I committed some horrible crime by eating there, but whatevs)

BA162 to Heathrow, an Airbus 350. Aisle seat, but still cramped. Four and three quarter hour flight but I must have slept for 4 hours of it. Just not in sizable chunks. I put music on and tried to lean back but the 350 offers precious little stretching room for the commoners. We landed in London and deplaned in relatively short order. To get to a connecting flight, you need to go down a walkway to 2 escalators down to a train to an elevator to another security screening to an escalator up to a long walk to an escalator down (I think that's all of it). This seems like overlkill, especially when the time before the next flight's departure is 70 minutes. I and some others ran through and made out next flight and there was plenty of overhead baggage space (a 777). I watched Angel has Fallen (not as bad as I expected) and ate my meat dinner. Then we fill out customs forms which, I find out later, are unnecessary as you can put in the same information into a computer in Newark. In the future, though, I need to pay for better seats. Everything hurts and this just isn't working for me. More sleep.

Next move, Luc Besson's "Anna" -- interesting. They offered a Magnum ice cream bar as a snack but I had eaten meat a few hours earlier so I said no thanks. A few hours later the Tea service included a scone and cream but I figure that by then, enough time had passed. I skipped the "fish sandwich" (lox? yuch) and giggled that the snack with a fish sandwich and dairy cream was labeled as glatt kosher. Then landing and home. Now I'm fighting the need to pass out. I might stop fighting soon.

On the whole this was a fantastic vacation. Sure, I barely slept and got rained on incessantly, but the bonding time with my Maddie was gold, and what more is there than that? Right, Moshikos.

Beach, please

The title is a reference to a store in the Dizengoff mall. For real.

Another horrible night's non-sleep -- among other things I was concerned that I would miss the wake up time necessary to check in to my flight precisely 24 hours in advance to ensure that i got a seat INSIDE the airplane this time. But I made it and have my check in all complete.

The day and various internet based weather apps promised sun and nice temps so Maddie and I walked towards the beach. I picked up some parve cookies along the way and we figured we would stop in a pizza place along the street to prepare ourselves for a long walk. Except we couldn't find a kosher pizza place. We turned down Ben Yehudah, nothing. Frishman? Gordon? Nothing. So we just decided to start walking, heading north. Approx 55 degrees and sunny? Bring it on. A few more blocks and we found Hadarim (next to suchsuch or somesuch) which served us impersonal pizzas. More walking, as we watched idiot surfers, manic dogs, crying children and vice versa. The weather was OK, but the water was churning and brown. Yuck.

While on the lookout for more substantial fare, we stopped at a variety of clothing stores so Maddie could hunt the elusive perfect outfit. We watched people, and we chatted, especially about the brown water. It was nice. The clouds were flitting about and we were caught in a number of light rain showers but we refused to change our route because the apps all promised no rain and lovely, blue skies. We made it to the port area and its fancier stores and even browner water. Must be a status thing. We also noticed that the clouds had massed more ominously and were ready to put up a fight against the forces of good ness and weather forecasting. We persevered, our faith in weather apps unbowed. And then, we and every weather app was proven wrong. The skies opened up and people were stuck where ever they happened to be. We decided right then and there to get a cab (as the clouds did not appear to be planning to leave) and go to the Azrieli Mall.

As grey merged with brown, we ran to the Gett and gott ourselves to Azrieli, by way of highway and traffic jam. The apps still indicated that the day was currently sunny and warm but we began to question their authority. The Azrieli Mall is a many storey mall with a lot of clothing stores and kosher restaurants. There are also non-kosher ones but who cares. You can find them anywhere. This mall seems a cut above Dizengoff, lacking hardware stores, tattoo parlors and places catering, by name, to particular fetishes. The home-goods store has mostly scented candles and throw pillows in various colors and combinations. We stopped at TwentyFourSeven, Urbanica (they should all have dad/husband lounges). Maddie bought a skirt. Then Bershka. I found a chair in which to sit. It was one of those ones you pay a buck or two and get a 6 minute massage. I might have done that and I might have been disappointed when Maddie was done shopping there. I fell asleep and she woke me up. Not cool. The video is available if you ask her. But that would also be not cool.

We saw a couple walking with a small dog on a leash. To Maddie, the dog looked like a fox and when she asked, the owner confirmed that supposition. I think it was a dog that looked like a fox, like some sort of celebrity impersonator who does kids' birthday parties or corporate events. Next stop, TopShop. Nothing bought.

On to Stradivarius, to look at a bunch of dresses, then Zara. I sat outside next to the cocoa kiosk. The allergy thing is really annoying. This country seems to run on a nut-based economy so I come here and can't have much in the way of desserts. Sure I had my French bland-cookies but I wanted something of substance. Why must it all be tainted by hazelnuts, pecans, walnuts and who the hell knows what else? I miss chocolate. It is a big issue -- when deciding whether to visit, I have to decide between my ancestral homeland and its spiritual importance and chocolate. Not cool.

For lunch, we went to the multi-level food court. I found the local rip off of KFC, called Broaster Chicken. I got a mix of breaded and fried bird -- 2 wing pieces, 2 strips of boneless, and 2 pieces of dark meat. Each had a slightly different type of coating. The wing pieces were very black-peppery; the others were much blander but with incredible crunch. On the side I opted for mashed-potato balls. Ignoring the crude anatomical questions, I will just say that they were bland as the day is long but crispy on the outside and creamy on the inside. People denigrate fast food but that's because they can have it whenever they want it. I get it once in a decade so I'm allowed to savor and appreciate it. Maddie got fish and chips (salmon and potato wedges) from a similarly named store. Then we went to Mr. Pretzel. I didn't catch a first name and didn't pursue it because pretzels are apparently a more formal snack. Maddie got a bucket of pretzel nuggets on which she had them add garlic and parmesan cheese. I watched her eat them with a fork. Delightful -- the force is strong with this one. Halfway through, she went back and had them add more flavoring.

The selection of stores and the variety at the food court outpaces even the Malcha mall in Jerusalem. Both a Burger King and a McDonalds but I don't know if both are kosher. Still, nice to have a choice. There are other restaurants and fancy food stores scattered throughout (including a kosher Abulafias in which they make something called knafeh which involved pastry, hot water and pistachois). We had an incredible view of the highway and its current traffic jam which made me homesick for all the traffic jams I've loved before. We stopped off at a guitar kiosk, the Pull and Bear store, past a kosher Japanese restaurant, a candy store, a cell phone store and aplace where I could buy another Celray soda. Gotta love vacation.

The sky had cleared but the temperature had dropped appreciably. I was without my heavy coat as it was still dropping wet from my walk back the previous evening. Maddie also wore nothing heavy, relying on the duplicitous or just plain misinformed internet, so we cabbed back to the apartment and I started to pack. I am taking home much of Maddie's holdings so my bag which should be relative empty is incredibly full. We discussed dinner while we cleaned up and opted for a simple delivery of a burger and a beer. The restaurant we chose to do the Lord's work (Memphis) contacted us to say that they were out of beer. That's dumb. So we canceled and went to Meatos Street Food which is the cheaper version of Meatos expensive restaurant food. I had a burger and beer. Maddie got some soup to go.

Back to Bograshov and then she went with all sorts of stuff back to campus. I have to call a cab soon and get to the airport. More updates as time and tide allow.

Dizengoff to the races

Ah, Tuesday. A day of staying in in the morning and then malling in the PM. So here's the 411:

Maddie and I met at the mall. She came from school and was surprised that I made it as quickly as I did -- since an entrance is literally 3 blocks from my apartment it wasn't that tough to do, even with a light rain coming down. Or as an Israeli might say "a heavy rain." Their sense of scale is off and they are afraid of weather. There, I said it. Fifty-five degrees and a light but steady rain is to them what an inch of snow is to Alabama. Anyhoo, I got to building 1, gate 1. Auspicious! I found the walkway to building two, wherein Maddie waited. I came across on floor 2 and I saw that she was below me so I found the elevator and went to floor one at which point I found that she was above me. The weird architecture claims another victim -- the mall is a series of spirals and, quite possibly, Mobius strips. A Mobius strip mall. Nice.

We started our wanderings at a kosher Aroma cafe so that we could get drinks. I ordered a lemonade -- fresh squeezed lemons and fresh sugar, mixed with fresh water. A joy. Maddie asked for a series of things but they were out. of everything. No turmeric, no sandwiches, no oranges, no apples, no almond milk. Maddie was worried when she asked if they had tap water. The teen behind the counter was not amused. Then to the store for medievalists -- one side was trolls and the other faeries. Then to Kiehl's so Maddie could undergo a complex scientific procedure in which a light is shone on her face and an app shows exactly how they can extract the maximum amount of money from my wallet. Science is awesome kid, right? We bought nothing and Maddie expressed shock and outrage at how much cosmetics cost. I welcomed her to the world of adulthood. Next to the candy store, only to browse. I noticed that they sold liquor as well and I wanted to make an Ogden Nash joke so I took a picture. The guy behind the counter asked me what I was taking a picture of. This happened elsewhere also -- they get skittish about people taking pictures in stores, concerned either with industrial espionage or terrorism. Or both I guess. But the antidote is "dumb American tourist" which worked like a charm every time I was questioned. A stupid American is oh so cute! And we can chat about New Jersey and being a stranger in Israel and everything is so different and wow etc. At that point I could take a picture of their security schematics and they would smile and pose.

A quick stop at Agvania for a little pizza. Their crust is really thin - not even like pizza crust, but the food was good if unfilling. Back to shopping. TopShop. Clothes for the woman who has someone's credit card (I joke...I joke). They have actual M.O.M jeans (I took a picture of the label and got interrogated). Most of the jeans had rips. I won't make any more jokes about ripped jeans but suffice to say, they are dumb. Moving on. You know what makes no sense? When a woman takes clothes to the dressing room and comes out and asks "How's this?" or "Do you like this?" Every guy just wants to say "What answer could I give to get us out of here most quickly?" You say "That one's nice" and the response is "Well, I don't think I like it." So why ask? Huh? WHY ASK?

I made small talk with one of the workers here and Maddie chatted with her. That was nice. At the end, Maddie discovered that she had successfully chosen the 6 items which were not on sale so we hurried out. I passed a store called פול אנד בר which I figured was Pole and Bar. It wasn't -- it was Pull and Bear. Because that makes so much more sense. I'm hoping to find a good map of the mall and post it here to show everyone how crazy that place is. Stay tuned, bat friends.

Next was Zara (a strange store...bilingual pun alert). They have many pairs of frayed edge-cutoff jeans shorts. This makes me wonder if there is a warehouse full of jeans pant legs that were cut off to make shorts. That would be sad. We bought nothing.

Yanga? Nothing. Adika? Nothing?

There is an actual bow tie vending machine in the mall. I have so many questions about that. But now I can ask them while wearing a bow ties. Joking. I did not buy one. I don't need to -- Maddie and I are headed to the bow tie district tomorrow...

We stopped at Burger King for a late lunch. Strike another item off the bucket list. KFC is still on it, mostly because of the bucket. I got a double burger with bacon (which seemed more like crisped salami, but do you hear me complaining?) and Maddie got a veggie burger and we both enjoyed out food. Jews now can look at BK and McD the way my generation looked at Oreos. They can't image not being able to eat it.

Next up, Renuar (pronounced like the artist but he probably trademarked his name or they are estopped from using the name because there is no actual Renoir in it...CF cheez). Maddie bought two shirts for the price of one. It is just that that one is more expensive than any shirt I own. Then she showed me "MiniSo" -- a Japanese everything store. A sampling includes pillows, blue tooth speakers, cutlery, yoga mats, children's robots, makeup, wallets, slippers, storage boxes, notepads, play-dough, lamps, incense and flamingos with tu-tus. They are having a "biuy 4 items, get the fifth free" sale but Maddie had only one item. The proprietor really pushed another 2 items and then followed us around encouraging items 4 (and then 5) so when he turned his back, we ran out, buying nothing, and refusing to walk back that way again for fear he would see us.

Then the pet store. OK, now this is where it gets weird. Maddie went in, mostly to say hi to the nice pit bull who works there. By the way, when a pit bull chews on a squeaky toy, you best laugh and mean it. He's a flipping pit bull. Anyway, also in the store were 6 young men, all wearing substantial dog masks and tails. I have pictures. One had a leash that another was holding. Maddie refused to leave until they did so she could ask the worker what the deal was with them. Funny thing -- he didn't know. They were buying a porcupine doll and he couldn't figure out why they had dog masks and tails. Just another pleasant valley Tuesday...

Next up was the fancy imported food store, full of exotic and expensive foods. I got a Celray soda and Maddie got some powders she can make Snapple, plus some pretzels. We're so fancy but you knew that already.

Maddie then ran into SuperPharm to get shampoo and other unmentionables and I sat and waited. An old guy came up to me and asked in Hebrew if there was an elevator and where it was. I was excited and flattered because he didn't ask in English so he must have been taken in by my Hebrew look. I felt so smart until I realized that I had no idea where the elevator was so I shrugged my shoulders internationally and felt stupid again.

We moved towards the exit by way fo the 2 story music store and I gave Maddie a crash course in "this must be what it feels like when I drag my dad into Zara." A quick walk back to the apartment. We decided on Nini Hachi for dinner -- Nini Hachi is Japanese for Nini 8. We cabbed out there and settled in. Maddie got our waitress's name ("Sheked") and I got a drink. I prefer my choice. Dumplings for appetizers (chicken for me and vegetable for her) and then mains (meat for me and salmon for her. She cabbed back to campus with all the bags of stuff and I opted to walk the mile back to the apartment in the pouring rain. Tonight was the first time that there was thunder and lightning along with the rain so that was fun. I wrung myself out when I got home and bemoanded the fact that I finished all my parve cookies for breakfast. The weather tomorrow is supposed to be nice so I think Maddie and I will walk on the beach.

Mondinner

Just a quick note to sum up my Monday --

Brian (a friend from high school who made aliyah a long time ago and lives in downtown Tel Aviv with his wife and kids) made reservations at a meat restaurant called L'Entrecote. I walked past it earlier today and wished I was the kind of guy who got to eat there. And look what happened! After my nap, I counted the minutes until I could start walking. It was supposed to be a 25 minute walk but I planned to stretch that to 35 through the judicious application of saunter and a side of stroll. I saw all sorts of interesting stores and stuff, and there were even a few people out. I didn't feel like I was walking through any bad neighborhoods, but there were some streetlights out, and because certain buildings are being torn down or rebuilt, there were spaces between civilization, gaps where the imagination lives and runs free. There be pirates.

I walked early because I was bored and walked slowly because I left early. I still got there early. To wile away the time, I ordered a drink. I happen to be a vodka drinker and a good one. I saw the brand I prefer and I ordered it. I am pretty sure that that isn't what they gave me. I could see the bottle when it was being poured, but that didn't taste like my brand, and yes, there is a taste. I'm not the kind of guy to stand on ceremony and demand to see the bottle (not that that would matter -- an empty bottle can be refilled with anything), nor will I storm out the door muttering about "these prices" but that wasn't what I ordered ma'am.

Before the meal I also had time to sit and soak it all in, and that means more than the vodka. Just the sights and sounds, the feelings and experience of being there. Sensing all that appeals to the senses, of which I have many.

Next to us was a table of 6 Americans, all in the range of 60 years old. Some being difficult customers. I resisted the urge to introduce myself and play Jewish geography not just because I don't do things like that and I don't like interacting with people but because I knew that my celebrity would ruin their dinner. For my appetizer (and Elijah had this also) I got the Arias. That was the thing that Maddie got in fake-food-form last night. This was good but it was very similar to a burger in a pita. Then I got the "steak the size of your mortgage" so this was a big steak (though in the grand scheme of things, 500 grams isn't so huge; they also undercooked it a bit too much for my tastes). Elijah asked me if I was going to be able to eat both the appetizer and the steak. I let my mouth do the talking, but only in between bites. Polished it off rather easily, not even any meat sweats. Disappointing.

Another point about language -- I need someone to speak to me in Hebrew, but without lingo and without accent. A guy today asked me if I wanted rice. That's a phrase which I understand. But he zoomed through it and had some sort of accent (possibly Israeli) so I couldn't figure out what he said and I stood there, like a Dan, feeling dumb. Like a Dan.

Here's to hoping the benadryl knocks me out...

Tomorrow, "The Return of the Maddie" and "Mall for the plan."

Down in the drenches

I didn't sleep last night. Not one of those "I dozed off a bit" or "I only got X hours" where X represents the smallest number which will impress without being the number that no one believes. No sleep at all. Not even close. So right now, things are a bit hazy. I'm losing words, memories and sharpness in the vision of my right eye. I was never coordinated so I don't know if I'm losing that as well. So don't expect much -- even less than usual.

Today was "south" day so I walked out of the apartment following my folded paper map towards King George street. He gets lots of streets named after him and what do i get? Nothing. I knew I should have demanded those taxes on tea.

While I was walking and trying not to get too wet in the rain (more later, rain and info) I spotted a museum of the Irgun, one of the branches of the pre-Israel defense forces. I was looking for a way to kill time so I went in. I figured I would float through amidst the throngs, learning a little, staying dry and mostly awake. Not so fast, fate said. I was, it seemed, the only one in there so after giving me the prefatory explanation, I think that the staff watched me and made sure I looked at everything in detail. There was a quiz also, I think. The first stop was the upstairs, celebrating the life and times of Ze'ev Jabotinsky. On the main floor, the struggle for Israel's existence and its defense forces in the years 1936 to 1946 are covered or something like that. I made eye contact with the doyen and asked a question. I was the only there so he decided to give me the entire tour and speech, one on one. I like discussions of geopolitics as much as the next guy but I really didn't need a private tutoring session on the precise number of English forces killed in Mandated Palestine (381, whether by accident or not). He was very sincere and very thorough and I couldn't see straight. I showed him what appeared to be a typo in some of their materials and instead of saying "yeah, that could be a typo" he defended it. There might have been some allegory going on but I couldn't quite get it.

The lower floor was about Israel in 1946-48. Fascinating -- every attack by the Irgun is described in detail and they have a picture of Menachem Begin with a beard. Cool. I went back upstairs and asked the guy what I thought was a quick question. He proceeded to answer me by explaining the issues which divided the revisionist Zionists from other groups. It wasn't what I asked, but he felt good so there's that. Eventually I snuck out -- he might still be taking; I don't know. On the way in, when I bought my ticket, I splurged and paid an extra $1.50 for the ability to go to any of 5 other museums for the next month, for free. But knowing how way leads to way, I doubt I shall ever do that. Back outside, and then take a left on King George towards the open air market.

I was getting more and more tired, so my handwriting was deteriorating, but that just makes this all more of a challenge, yes? Yes.

Remember when I said it rained yesterday? Apparently Mother Nature reads my blog and was offended. "No!" she said. "That wasn't rain...THIS is rain." And it rained. But every time I even thought to myself, "Wow, this is some rain" she jumped in with "NO! Not yet. THIS is rain." It was the "but wait, there's more" of precipitation. I had no umbrella but damned if I would run or stop my walkies. I sauntered because that was my plan. Sadly, though, I couldn't take pictures as I failed to carry an underwater camera, so all the neat things that I saw, which were, admittedly, mostly based in the fact that it was raining, remained unphotoed. It rained for the entire of my walk, stopping only when I entered a restaurant, as at that point, Mother Nture had nothing else to prove and didn't need to make anyone else suffer. Though Tel Aviv is a "big city" there just aren't that many people around. I felt like I was the only one walking on city streets. I think I was, because everyone else was smart enough to go inside.

I practiced the art of embracing the rain and aimed myself at the shuk and open market. The shuk was an alleyway with stalls on either side, covered by a set of distantly related sheets of corrugated failure. The rain was deafening as it smacked into the roofing, and yet still found a way to reach the ground, unabated. Miracles! I had nothing I wanted to buy and, to be honest, the shuk reminded me more of a post-apocalyptic flea market than any sort of organized market place. I moved through and past neighborhoods that bring new meaning to the word "dilapidated" and it isn't a good new meaning. I tried to check my paper map any time I crouched beneath a half awning but it was quickly as waterlogged as the city it represented. Still, I didn't speed up my walk. I aimed myself to where, in my mind's eye, the map told me to go and I strolled. Once you are wet, you are wet, so why not just enjoy it. 55 or so degrees isn't horrible when you are walking many miles. I continued to walk, looking into store fronts, stopping to look at the architecture or appreciate the subtleties of life in Tel Aviv. Screw you Mother Nature, I'm walking here! Vacation means never having to say you're rushing, so I didn't rush.

I finally started seeing streets I recognized from yesterday's jaunts about town so I started thinking about lunch. As was the case yesterday) was not especially hungry, and constant walking did not sharpen my appetite -- it dulled it. So since I was not starving, I felt that I did not need to compromise. I envisioned exactly what I wanted and waited until I found it. I was looking for a mid-priced burger and fries. Crazy, right? I passed a kosher pizza place, 2 falafel/grill/schwarma joints, a vegetarian place and a really expensive steak restaurant, but not what I wanted. I did spot a pub which looked promising, but the promise involved being closed. Another meat place looked open -- lights on, people working inside. But when I asked for a menu the woman told me that they, too, were closed. It think it might be me.

I did see, while walking, the places that I had encountered with Maddie -- the Moses House, the Max Brenner chocolate store, the...um. No, that's it. We didn't stay long last time. Still, though, memories, right?

I thought about trying to go to the art museum again as my various devices indicted that it was no longer a Sundays, but I feared that it was my attempt at culture which had placed me on Mother Nature's radar and naughty list in the first place so I chose discretion, and walked away. Eventually, I ended up right across from my lodging, still with no food. So I walked into the next schwarma grill place (Gabay). But I also ordered a Kubba. God bless the guy who invented Kubbas and so there fate -- I got what I wanted. After a lunch, I walked across the street to the French butcher which advertised Parve cakes. I figured that I could ask if any were sans nuts, because sans is a French word, so we'd be all best buds, right? I didn't see any cakes. The baked good included only small backs of hard vanilla wafers. The guy behind the counter called the chef to make sure that nuts weren't among the 5 ingredients (flour, water, vanilla, baking powder and a little sugar). I haven't had a dessert yet on this vacation so I bought them. They are certainly edible. I then went back to the room to peel off the soaked layers of me and take a nap.

Many a meal to freedom

After lunch, I spent sometime thinking about where to walk for the afternoon. I reviewed the map and saw that there is an art museum here in Tel Aviv. Now, back in the US I wouldn't go out of my way to go to an art museum; of fact, if you asked me if I wanted to go, I would say "no way." as a matter, but as here I have no way, I thought it would be meet if I went. I jotted down some simple directions to get me from the AirBnB to the museum and I proceeded to get lost.

The street names are inconsistent, changeable and often unmarked but I had the foresight and self-knowledge to anticipate my shortcomings and those of the local internet coverage and so I packed a paper map. I rerouted frequently, avoiding tolls and simplicity. While in the wrong place, I found a kosher storefront at which I purchased a cup of pomegranate juice for 20 Shekalim. Wonderful. Four and a half pomegranates squeezed into a cup. I drank it down. Now I needed an art museum, a sense of direction and a bathroom.

I eventually found the museum, next to the Israeli opera and under the sign that said "Museum - closed Sundays." As today is a Sundays, I understood it to be closed. Then it started raining harder, so I slowed myself to a saunter to enjoy the futility of trying to do anything remotely cultural. I wandered and my internal compass brought me to a library. I had no card, nor reason to go, nor did I know if they had any exhibits or special collections) but I did know that the rule in a library is silence so I could avoid anyone's knowing that I didn't know what I was doing there by just staying quiet and expecting the same of others. I was, as silence, golden. They also had bathrooms of which I availed myself. At least I hope they were bathrooms. Otherwise, I just donated to their "special holdings" and I can never go back there again.

I sat in the library and stared at the map. Where does one go when he has no where to go? Time to wander. As I strolled in the rain, my friend Brian called to check in. We are planning on having dinner together tomorrow so he was making sure I was still extant. I told him my location and he invited me to visit his apartment which was a 10 minute walk away. Or for me, a 15 minute walk and three changes of route. I visited and met his kids. We schmoozed. Maddie came by and we schmoozed some more. Then on his and others' recommendation, we went to a restaurant called Dunya. Fancy restaurant subsidized by the nut growers of the world. I found something which seemed light on the nuts and prepared to dig in. The waitress brought Maddie the menu item she specifically said she didn't want, but balanced it out by not bringing what she specifically did want. We ate much of it anyway. I dug into a pile of meat flanked by hot peppers which I saluted and then avoided. Then we understood the name of the place: "Done. You want to go somewhere else?"

The rain continued and we walked a little more. She had to get back to study for a test but we had time to "duck" into a vegan place (HaKatzav Hayarok, the Green Butcher) for a quick bite. The Beyond Burger was what you can get in a store so it was OK. She had the Ara-is, a sloppy-joe panini pan fried. It was good, but would have been better if it didn't claim to be an imitation for meat. Just call it a veggie sloppy joe and I would order it again. The fries were cut like potato chips but were thick like fries. The bread was actually bread. Weird.

Back to the AirBnB. A video call back to New Jersey to say hi to everyone and then Maddie was off to school and I settled down to collect my thoughts and throw them all out at you.

Tomorrow, we head south for the yellow area on the map which is apparently not as nice as the same yellow area on Tuesday. Exciting!

Rain Rain, come or stay

I'm happily walking, in TA.

That's my song and I'm sticking to it.

A hard rain decided to be a gonna fall this morning in Tel Aviv and I slept late. I never sleep late. I often don't even sleep but I slept late and it was wonderful. I can't make this a habit though. I finally dragged myself out of bed and breakfast, sans the breakfast, got myself all collected and went out into the rain. It wasn't really a driving rain, so I walked.

My AirBnB is on a street called Bograshov. Israeli street names are often short forms of a longer, formal names. The is Dr. Moshe Bograshov Street, I think. And this street turns into a couple of others for no apparent reason. Keeps one on his toes, and heels simultaneously.

I decided to walk the street. First stop, the Hungarian pastry shop where I hoped to get a drink and a pastry. I'm not sure what was Hungarian about it but I could watch them make hot pastries while I didn't any. I ordered a double espresso and explained that I was allergic to nuts. The woman had nothing to offer me other than an unsympathetic smile and an unspoken concern that I would die on her property. So just the coffee then. I sat outside and let myself get rained on. I soaked it and everything else in except the coffee, which I drank. A double short. Twelve shekel (at 3.40 shekel to the USD, that's some number that I can't compute. I was told that there would be no math on this vacay). Then, start walking. I aimed towards the middle of the town and walked. I passed the run down areas, the residential areas and eventually, the more urban areas.

In a large open area, I spotted a tree covering some benches. I sat. I was in the middle of Habima square in the rain. Drips splattered on me and my antiquated notebook. People on scooters scooted by. Soldiers soldiered in the rain. Moms and kids, delivery men in busy trucks honking in a Tel Aviv minute. A double espresso in me and a simple appreciation for the hustle and bustle of the city and a waterproof hood, pen and paper without. A city is being built around me, not caring that I am a vestige of a bygone era jotting notes down in a book, ignoring my electronics and in no rush. The names are familiar: Bronfman, Rothschild, Boulevard and rain is the international language which separates those with someplace to go from those without. You are either sauntering or running. There is no in between.

I walked the length of Bograshov (from where is becomes Carlebach and other names and eventually ends amidst construction of the new Light Rail, all the way back to the beach) in an hour and a half. I passed many food options but the more I walked, the fuller I felt. Just looking at the options and imagining the food made it as if I had eaten. I had to pay every store for the privilege so I thought of giving them money to pay for the imaginary lunch. All is fare in lunch and wharf. I walked on to the beach, braving the wind and the threat of sand. It is so exotic here that the local seagulls are pigeons and the ravens are wearing grey tuxedos. All this would be clearer if I could upload pictures but the 4G (under which I am supposedly covered) is so poor that my photos have remained on my devices. Once I return, I will make a proper photo essay so my snark can be enjoyed by me and suffered through by you.

Surfers enjoy the rough seas while announcements in at least 3 languages warn sane people away from the water. I am a mix between a local, walking with purpose and my head down, buried in my phone, and an ogling tourist, looking up and around, forgetting to close my mouth as I keep saying "wow." I take pictures on my camera (old school, iknowright?) and my phone, but keep them to myself like a lunatic.

The wind whips up and ominous clouds float in across the Mediterranean. That's not an allegory or political symbolism. There were clouds and I expected it to rain more. The local population and pup-ulation is non-plussed.

I thought about going into a South American meat restaurant for lunch so I did, and then walked out. Nothing that interested me. I ended up back, close to my lodging at Kanki, a sushi place that is the local hotspot. Just not for internet. Apparently, it always has a line of people but as the wind and rain have kept people away, I jumped at the chance to try it out. My first concern was that they might as well have renamed it "avocado and maybe some other stuff." So I ordered something that seemed to have less avocado, and waited.

A note about language -- My Hebrew skillz are not bad. Not great, but no bad. But even simple things, in an unexpected context become stumbling blocks. I had ordered and was awaiting my food. A worker came up with a tray of what looked like my sushi (a generic term -- this was fried and with little, if any, seaweed). She came to me and say "lit'om?" This is the infinitive form of t-ayin-m, meaning "taste." I figured she wasn't asking if she could taste my food, but was rhetorically telling me "it looks, tasty, right?" So I kept a blank look on my face and said, like any stupid American, "Yes."

She looked at me and waited. "Lit'om?" She asked. Finally I got it. That wasn't my food, and she wasking me if I wanted to taste it. I had said yes, and didn't take any. Duh. So I tried it. It was a veggie (non-fish_ fried roll with mozzarella cheese. Wow. I worked up the nerve to ask her in English which Item that was on the menu. She pointed to it and said that another great choice was the salmon-mozzarella rolls. That was what I had ordered so I felt pretty, pretty good about m'self.

The food showed up and I dag in. That's a joke. Dag is Hebrew for fish. This was sea food. I ate it. You know what? Just forget it. I know I'm funny and I don't need your pity. Just your validation. My food, coupled with a Stella Artois, sitting in the drizzle and wind was fantastic. The food was served with teriyaki sauce and that fake wasabi which is just horseradish sauce. Works for me. There was a lemon-pickled cabbage also but while it was OK, it was unnecessary.

I really wanted a pastry afterwards but I knew of no where I could go that would offer me a sweet with the guarantee that I wouldn't need a benadryl chaser. Back to the AirBnB. And here we are. More after dinner.

Walking on Airbnb

So much has happened, and, at the same time, not a lot. I will explain, as I type from an AirBnB in Tel Aviv, on my tablet and bluetooth keyboard. Limitations? When I use RDP, controls like the shift key, the control key, the right click function and the directional arrows don't work. When I go in through the native Chrome interface, the cursor often jumps two lines away as I type so I look up to find myself typing in the middle of another sentence. First world problems, right?

Let's talk about problems briefly. I complain. A bunch. I know it and I appreciate you not pointing it out. But I do. Things annoy me and I use this venue as a way and place to air my petty grievances. But please realize -- I do that because I know they are stupid. I focus on these little things because I understand that on a macro scale, things are actually going really well. So indulge me my curmudgeon and let be vent about the trivia.

I believe I have to catch up on Friday and Saturday, so let's do this.

Friday morning, after a good and restful slumber. Maddie came by and we walked down to Gan Sacher (the park down the street) and went into Gan Sippur, a relatively new cafe in the park. The menu was incredibly fancy and all I wanted was a simple coffee and an egg or something. I'm a simple guy. Instead I ordered some foccacia with loads of stuff on it, most of which was interesting (labaneh? WTH is that?). It was really good except for the kalamata olives which taint everything they touch. Maddie and I also shared a loaf of garlic bread. I had a double espresso and we chatted and had fun. It was nice. We were in the "outside" section, but not the section that was outside. We were in a glassed in area so it was comfortable, but we weren't inside the restaurant. And we weren't actually outside. Fascinating. We returned to N+D, chatted with them, packed and prepped to go to Josie with the snacks that one delivers to someone in school. The new pizza place was closed on a Friday so we went to a local grocery and got chips and such. After hugs and goodbyes to the Swidler brood and 'rents, we hopped a Gett (that's Hebrew for Uber) with loads of bags, and we're off to Migdal Oz.

Josie is getting ready for the army, doing exercises, and living in ramshackle housing to prepare her for the exercises and housing of the army. Her Hebrew is impressive and she's just a really great kid. Super to you, Josie! You just eat those chips and go on a hike or whatnot. Steve Lauderdal came to pick us up at Migdal Oz (he was supposed to come to Saturday lunch but the weather threatened and the walk from Zayit to Rimon is tough on a nice day) and took us to Oshin. The Oshins have a wonderful house and 4 children. Or it might be wonderful children and a house. All I know is that seven bathrooms were involved so there was no line, Green or otherwise, that mattered.

We had a wonderful time with the Oshins. The children are at various stages of emerging adulthood from "adulthood" to "impending adulthood" and everything in between. But when they all get together, suddenly they are all between 6 and 10 years old. This makes me younger, so I appreciate it. Elijah came by and we had a lovely dinner with fun conversation and siblings and former neighbors picking on each other. Very relaxing.

That's an important point. Along with my acknowledging that the things I complain about are dumb, I also know that the highs are really great. Sitting at Greg's in Cinema City with N+D I just stared at all that was around me and soaked it in. It felt great At the Oshins, I just let the "vacate" wash over me. It continues with interludes of happiness. So, yeah, that.

I didn't sleep well, or even at all over Friday night. I had missed my migraine medicine for a couple of days, I was still jet lagged and I had some Boru vodka with dinner. I was up for 8:15 shul at about 3:13, so by the time it was time to go to services, I was properly ready for a nap. A kiddush, a nap, and then a lunch later (one boy works at Harvey's Smoke House in Jerusalem and they are teaching him some great food prep habits!), it was time for a nap. Or cards. Or games, or reading or whatever it was time for. I sat and watched as the children tortured each other. Ah, good times. Lemon cake was involved.

Shabbat ended and it was time to pack up and move on. Tearful goodbyes, and Dani drove us to the bus stop outside the Malcha Mall parking lot. Thanks for the ride, Dani! A quick taxi from there to Elijah's friend's house to pick up some skis, and then the same cab to Tel Aviv with our 5 bags, plus a back pack and skis. The driver and Maddie and Elijah swapped army stories and I listened and smiled. We arrived at the AirBnB and found our way in. If you ever want an AirBnB in downtown Tel Aviv, and just want a nice and plain apartment, this is the one you want. Tel Aviv looks and feels like a small town that grew up and never updated its urban planning. Tiny, winding roads and low buildings coexist with high rises and 6 lane highways. Strange tension but so far, it works. We stepped out for some pizza and a Heiniken at Penne Bar (the pizza is fresh and personal without being intrusive). Came back to a passel of police on the doorstep. Apparently they heard something, but what it is, ain't exactly clear. They left, Maddie collected her stuff and left, and I sat down to spill my brains into the computer.

I feel like I am completely out of touch with the world in terms of social media and news, or even what time and day it is but I am eating well, and am enjoying myself and why can't you just let me be happy?

I will assemble a collection of pictures when I return to NJ. I am using both my phone and a real camera so I want to collect all the pictures in one place and then maybe insert some links to pictures to associate them with what I am writing. I'm really tired and not thinking as not clearly as I usually do so I should sign off and try to find my feet.

Walkabout

Sometimes, days are longer than others. Today was two of those days.

After typing up all my quasi and queasy thoughts and posting them, I started my actual day. Maddie showed up at my sister and brother-in-law's house and we set off on an adventure.

We walked up Agrippas, slowly, as I tried to make sense of the world. Jet lag runs strong in this one so I was lagging behind and/or ahead. I don't even know. We looked at stores, compared memories, and just bonded. It was, in a word, really awesome. In two words it was great and in three, you get half an eggroll. We walked towards the old city, with a slight detour through the Mamila mall so we could sit at Cafe Rimon and get overcharged. I overcharged up with a double espresso and Maddie had a yogurt based fruit smoothie (strawberry and banana). Then we kept walking and got to the kotel, running into local friends along the way and ending up at the wall. I'm a huge fan. I probably take the same pictures every time I visit but you know what? Shut up. I'm gonna keep doing it. There were 9 or 10 minyanim going on at the same time, mostly Sephardi ones. Neat to watch. We tore ourselves away after some good soul searching (note to self, rename the emo genre "shoe gazer" to "sole searcher.") We headed back up to Ben Yehudah.

By now, it had been over 30 minutes since we ate so by The Tourists' Code, we had to eat again. By some strange coincidence, we happened to be right next to Moshikos! Whoda Thunk it? My first falafel there had too much schug on it and was too spicy. My second one balanced that by having no spice, but fries. Both were delicious! Maddie got a bagel with sweet potato and cream cheese from Sam Bagels. Gross but not ungross. We shopped up Ben Yehuda, looking for hats and then got a cab to Har Hamenuchot.

My dad is buried at Har Hamenuchot, and I'm a fan of my dad's so I wanted to stop off and say hi to him. We had some trouble finding the grave (the signage is just wrong) but eventually we found him and tears flowed. For real, but not his. Mine and Maddie's. The cab waited for us and took us back to N and D. I was losing it on the ride and knew I needed to collapse so when I got back, I snuggled myself up and took a 2+ hour nap. It helped. I still couldn't see straight but the angle was closer.

After the nap we discussed evening plans. Clearly they had to center around food. Maddie wanted to go to a friend's house and clean herself up and deliver a gift of popcorn (so not a thing -- gifts should be chocolate or higher on the the standard scale of gift, available at fine dining establishments near you). While we were out, we called N+D to decide on dinner plans. We ended on Greg's in Cinema City. Mad and I decided to walk and we ran into friends on the way, but we got there. I had a mushroom tortellini with a cream sauce. M had sweet potato soup as did David. There were also cauliflower tempura, brocolli cakes, salmon linguini, mozz sticks and who knows what else. All properly mediocre and over priced. I ate well.

Next up, a cab to visit Tasha and Zevi which was nice. I ate 2 rugelach. Then a cab back to N+D as I start to flag; after 16,000 jet lagged steps, I think I'm allowed. We have made plans for tomorrow, starting out with early morning coffee on Gan Sacher. Good something everyone.

P> -- if I missed you in my retelling or made mistakes, please have mercy. I'm sooooo tired. I haven't slept etc.

U Vorot

I'll explain the title later, when you are older.

This will be the next series of travelb logs that I keep to describe my current trip to Israel. I wasn't planning on coming to Israel for my winter break, but I found a good price on airfare and inexpensive lodgings so I decided to just do it, or something like it.

Talia drove with me and a co-worker (3 people in the car means "carpool rates"...hoorah!) to JFK for an 8:05 British Airways flight, So, in order to accommodate my neuroses, we left at 2AM, last Friday. In truth, we left at 4:30AM and hit very little traffic so we were able to check in early. Thing is, had we arrived even a few minutes later, we would have had a significantly longer wait in the various lines. I'd rather breeze through the lines and wait at the gate (U Vorot) than stand on line for longer. Talia drove the car home because it wouldn't go on its own. She took streets.

So there we were at terminal 7, gate 10, waiting to board the 747 which would take us on our first leg to Heathrow airport. I chose to check my carry-on for free at the airport. I had expected this and put nothing that I needed in my carry on. This was not an El Al flight so we didn't have a huge mass of religious Jews wanting to pray, but we scraped together 11 men for a minyan. It was an incredible mix of all practices and traditions, versions of prayers and ways of tying phylacteries. Jews from a wide range of places and understandings, all united in the same thought, "are we done yet?"

The different groups board in order, and I'm apparently in group a million, but because I checked my carry on, I had no real rush to snag an overhead compartment, so there's that. I had a seat in the front row so there was a bit more leg room, but the video screen and the tray table had to be located and assembled. I used the free earphones but my ears told me to spend some cash next time and get ones that don't hurt so much.

I had the full breakfast, eggs, bagel and cream cheese, fruit, juice and a danish. All delicious and unnecessary, like any good meal.

I watched 2 movies -- Gemini Man which was a solid Meh and Ad Astra which was a Meh+. A snack was served (water and cake). The seat, itself, was uncomfortable and my tush hurts. Send money. I davened mincha on the plane.

Arrived at Heathrow in the evening and, though the next leg was also in terminal 5, it was in the C gates, so I still had to take a train. Weird. The wretched refuse assembled by gate C52 for Ma'ariv. I think someone took our picture. Jews are cute, it seems.

The flight was still 1/4 empty and I had an empty seat next to me. Not enough space to lie down, though, so, while I had an aisle seat, I continued to be uncomfortable. Yay. Airbus A350 (3-3-3 configuration, as opposed to the 3-4-3 of the 747) for those of you keeping score. I didn't know if I should try to sleep, or succeed so I decided to fail at both. I really haven't slept much over the last 2 or 3 days, or maybe weeks.

I watched that Fast and Furious: Hobbes and Shaw movie. Mediocre ending but a VERY funny movie. The guest stars steal it.

Arrived at Ben Gurion and there were no lines. We (the co-worker and I) got a cab and I made it into Jerusalem by 5:15 local time. Hot shower, change of clothes and Maddie is here! Off we go.