Dizengoff to the races

Ah, Tuesday. A day of staying in in the morning and then malling in the PM. So here's the 411:

Maddie and I met at the mall. She came from school and was surprised that I made it as quickly as I did -- since an entrance is literally 3 blocks from my apartment it wasn't that tough to do, even with a light rain coming down. Or as an Israeli might say "a heavy rain." Their sense of scale is off and they are afraid of weather. There, I said it. Fifty-five degrees and a light but steady rain is to them what an inch of snow is to Alabama. Anyhoo, I got to building 1, gate 1. Auspicious! I found the walkway to building two, wherein Maddie waited. I came across on floor 2 and I saw that she was below me so I found the elevator and went to floor one at which point I found that she was above me. The weird architecture claims another victim -- the mall is a series of spirals and, quite possibly, Mobius strips. A Mobius strip mall. Nice.

We started our wanderings at a kosher Aroma cafe so that we could get drinks. I ordered a lemonade -- fresh squeezed lemons and fresh sugar, mixed with fresh water. A joy. Maddie asked for a series of things but they were out. of everything. No turmeric, no sandwiches, no oranges, no apples, no almond milk. Maddie was worried when she asked if they had tap water. The teen behind the counter was not amused. Then to the store for medievalists -- one side was trolls and the other faeries. Then to Kiehl's so Maddie could undergo a complex scientific procedure in which a light is shone on her face and an app shows exactly how they can extract the maximum amount of money from my wallet. Science is awesome kid, right? We bought nothing and Maddie expressed shock and outrage at how much cosmetics cost. I welcomed her to the world of adulthood. Next to the candy store, only to browse. I noticed that they sold liquor as well and I wanted to make an Ogden Nash joke so I took a picture. The guy behind the counter asked me what I was taking a picture of. This happened elsewhere also -- they get skittish about people taking pictures in stores, concerned either with industrial espionage or terrorism. Or both I guess. But the antidote is "dumb American tourist" which worked like a charm every time I was questioned. A stupid American is oh so cute! And we can chat about New Jersey and being a stranger in Israel and everything is so different and wow etc. At that point I could take a picture of their security schematics and they would smile and pose.

A quick stop at Agvania for a little pizza. Their crust is really thin - not even like pizza crust, but the food was good if unfilling. Back to shopping. TopShop. Clothes for the woman who has someone's credit card (I joke...I joke). They have actual M.O.M jeans (I took a picture of the label and got interrogated). Most of the jeans had rips. I won't make any more jokes about ripped jeans but suffice to say, they are dumb. Moving on. You know what makes no sense? When a woman takes clothes to the dressing room and comes out and asks "How's this?" or "Do you like this?" Every guy just wants to say "What answer could I give to get us out of here most quickly?" You say "That one's nice" and the response is "Well, I don't think I like it." So why ask? Huh? WHY ASK?

I made small talk with one of the workers here and Maddie chatted with her. That was nice. At the end, Maddie discovered that she had successfully chosen the 6 items which were not on sale so we hurried out. I passed a store called פול אנד בר which I figured was Pole and Bar. It wasn't -- it was Pull and Bear. Because that makes so much more sense. I'm hoping to find a good map of the mall and post it here to show everyone how crazy that place is. Stay tuned, bat friends.

Next was Zara (a strange store...bilingual pun alert). They have many pairs of frayed edge-cutoff jeans shorts. This makes me wonder if there is a warehouse full of jeans pant legs that were cut off to make shorts. That would be sad. We bought nothing.

Yanga? Nothing. Adika? Nothing?

There is an actual bow tie vending machine in the mall. I have so many questions about that. But now I can ask them while wearing a bow ties. Joking. I did not buy one. I don't need to -- Maddie and I are headed to the bow tie district tomorrow...

We stopped at Burger King for a late lunch. Strike another item off the bucket list. KFC is still on it, mostly because of the bucket. I got a double burger with bacon (which seemed more like crisped salami, but do you hear me complaining?) and Maddie got a veggie burger and we both enjoyed out food. Jews now can look at BK and McD the way my generation looked at Oreos. They can't image not being able to eat it.

Next up, Renuar (pronounced like the artist but he probably trademarked his name or they are estopped from using the name because there is no actual Renoir in it...CF cheez). Maddie bought two shirts for the price of one. It is just that that one is more expensive than any shirt I own. Then she showed me "MiniSo" -- a Japanese everything store. A sampling includes pillows, blue tooth speakers, cutlery, yoga mats, children's robots, makeup, wallets, slippers, storage boxes, notepads, play-dough, lamps, incense and flamingos with tu-tus. They are having a "biuy 4 items, get the fifth free" sale but Maddie had only one item. The proprietor really pushed another 2 items and then followed us around encouraging items 4 (and then 5) so when he turned his back, we ran out, buying nothing, and refusing to walk back that way again for fear he would see us.

Then the pet store. OK, now this is where it gets weird. Maddie went in, mostly to say hi to the nice pit bull who works there. By the way, when a pit bull chews on a squeaky toy, you best laugh and mean it. He's a flipping pit bull. Anyway, also in the store were 6 young men, all wearing substantial dog masks and tails. I have pictures. One had a leash that another was holding. Maddie refused to leave until they did so she could ask the worker what the deal was with them. Funny thing -- he didn't know. They were buying a porcupine doll and he couldn't figure out why they had dog masks and tails. Just another pleasant valley Tuesday...

Next up was the fancy imported food store, full of exotic and expensive foods. I got a Celray soda and Maddie got some powders she can make Snapple, plus some pretzels. We're so fancy but you knew that already.

Maddie then ran into SuperPharm to get shampoo and other unmentionables and I sat and waited. An old guy came up to me and asked in Hebrew if there was an elevator and where it was. I was excited and flattered because he didn't ask in English so he must have been taken in by my Hebrew look. I felt so smart until I realized that I had no idea where the elevator was so I shrugged my shoulders internationally and felt stupid again.

We moved towards the exit by way fo the 2 story music store and I gave Maddie a crash course in "this must be what it feels like when I drag my dad into Zara." A quick walk back to the apartment. We decided on Nini Hachi for dinner -- Nini Hachi is Japanese for Nini 8. We cabbed out there and settled in. Maddie got our waitress's name ("Sheked") and I got a drink. I prefer my choice. Dumplings for appetizers (chicken for me and vegetable for her) and then mains (meat for me and salmon for her. She cabbed back to campus with all the bags of stuff and I opted to walk the mile back to the apartment in the pouring rain. Tonight was the first time that there was thunder and lightning along with the rain so that was fun. I wrung myself out when I got home and bemoanded the fact that I finished all my parve cookies for breakfast. The weather tomorrow is supposed to be nice so I think Maddie and I will walk on the beach.