I have been teaching high school English for over 30 years and this has not really taken me to the heights of richdom, which was my life goal. So I have tried to find ways through which I could supplement my income without having to do much more work. I have asked nicely for a sinecure, tried to sell my leftover chulent, wrote a few books that never sold. So what's left other than winning the lottery (at which I have proven a collossal failure)?
Yesterday, for approximately 75 of the 5 hours of sunlight, I stared at my computer screen as I ran my parent-teacher conferences. These 4 minute sessions give me a chance to meet parents and tell them how my feet hurt and their children are ugly. And vice versa.
During the day, I spoke with one parent who asked me if I had taught at a particular school many years earlier. I checked my notes and, indeed, I had! It turns out, I was his teacher in 11th grade and he failed a quiz on The Moonstone and earned a 55 on the quiz for 1984. As I looked up his records, I started seeing the spate of parents whose children I have taught or do teach. Could I but see the future, I would, no doubt, see a continuing list of parents who survived my tutelage and whose children are on the path towards my clutches.
So I went back and looked at the grades. This kind of information is exactly what a child would love to know about a parent so that when a parent yells "you can do better" or something, the child can shoot back, "why should I, you failed a couple of quizzes and missed some homeworks!"
The business model I have in mind is based on a bedrock technique with a long history: blackmail.
All I need to do is to threaten parents that I will make my old gradebooks available to students if they don't cough up some quality holiday gifts, tips and random trips to Europe. It would be, um, "unfortunate" if your son or daughter were to find out that you still owe me work, and earned a really solid 83 in my class after begging me repeatedly.
I'm looking for investors for my scheme. Investors, you ask -- but why. Honestly, you are right. There is very little overhead. But here's what I figure -- you send me a couple of thousand bucks to get my venture off the ground. I don't need the money, but it would make me happy. When the blackmail starts paying off, I'll give you the money back, promise.
Unless you used to be one of my students. In that case, you might want to make it a contribution. Or else.
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