We have heard from the mother. We have heard from the psychiatrist. But you know who hasn't had a voice? The victims. I would never deign speak for them or even myself but I want to try to give them a little bit of voice.
I am 25, I am 6, I am 40, I am 83. I am a child, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a spouse. I am a teacher. I am a student. I live nearby. I lived nearby. I am from far away. I am far away. I will wake up crying for 6 months. I will wake up screaming for the rest of my life. I will not wake up. I will have scars. I will have to explain myself to everyone I meet. I will never grow up. I will listen while every argues how and why this happened. I won't understand why people fight. I will stay silent as others tell me what I will feel. I will be silent because I will never feel again.
I will look at an empty room. I will hear stories about people I have never met. I will bear an impossible burden. I will never go on a date. I will never go beyond this feeling of pain and fright. I didn't have a chance and I never will. I don't care who is to blame. It is my fault. I will recover. I will never recover.
I don't want to hear about other people. I can't be comforted. I will never be normal. I will shake and cringe. No one will ever get to know me. I will be in the eyes of everyone you see. I will be everyone and I will never get to be anyone. I am angry and I will never forgive. I will forget in time and I will try not to forget. I will be a picture in a book or a name on a screen. I will be an ache. A fragment. A reminder.
I don't care about the gun control debate. I don't care about parents and professionals. I can't care about anything right now. I am on all parts of the political spectrum. I don't understand what people are talking about. I won't ever get to vote. I have no past, present or future. I want to stop crying. I want to start crying. I want people to cry with me and for me. I want the cameras to record and I want them to turn off, or at least away. I want to hug and be hugged. I want to punish and I want to sympathize. I will never get married or have children of my own.
I am a victim. I am lucky. I am guilty. I am alive but I am dead. I am dead but I will live forever. I am already gone.