Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I am Adam Lanza's victim

We have heard from the mother. We have heard from the psychiatrist. But you know who hasn't had a voice? The victims. I would never deign speak for them or even myself but I want to try to give them a little bit of voice.

I am 25, I am 6, I am 40, I am 83. I am a child, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a spouse. I am a teacher. I am a student. I live nearby. I lived nearby. I am from far away. I am far away. I will wake up crying for 6 months. I will wake up screaming for the rest of my life. I will not wake up. I will have scars. I will have to explain myself to everyone I meet. I will never grow up. I will listen while every argues how and why this happened. I won't understand why people fight. I will stay silent as others tell me what I will feel. I will be silent because I will never feel again.

I will look at an empty room. I will hear stories about people I have never met. I will bear an impossible burden. I will never go on a date. I will never go beyond this feeling of pain and fright. I didn't have a chance and I never will. I don't care who is to blame. It is my fault. I will recover. I will never recover.

I don't want to hear about other people. I can't be comforted. I will never be normal. I will shake and cringe. No one will ever get to know me. I will be in the eyes of everyone you see. I will be everyone and I will never get to be anyone. I am angry and I will never forgive. I will forget in time and I will try not to forget. I will be a picture in a book or a name on a screen. I will be an ache. A fragment. A reminder.

I don't care about the gun control debate. I don't care about parents and professionals. I can't care about anything right now. I am on all parts of the political spectrum. I don't understand what people are talking about. I won't ever get to vote. I have no past, present or future. I want to stop crying. I want to start crying. I want people to cry with me and for me. I want the cameras to record and I want them to turn off, or at least away. I want to hug and be hugged. I want to punish and I want to sympathize. I will never get married or have children of my own.

I am a victim. I am lucky. I am guilty. I am alive but I am dead. I am dead but I will live forever. I am already gone.


  1. ב"ה

    This is something that affects us all. Some people sit and stare at all the coverage, some people need to hide from it. Some are angry, some just sad. Some will say "They deserved it." Here in the US we worry about those people. When it happens in Israel, the whole world will say "They deserved it."

  2. The premise of "The Sunflower" is that the living cannot speak for the dead. In that case it was the victims of the Holocaust. Now all we can do is regret that our dead cannot speak for themselves. We can only imagine what the victims feel. I was moved by your attempt to say what you, and the rest of us, feel as we view, even from a distance, the horrific events.


Feel free to comment and understand that no matter what you type, I still think you are a robot.