Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Glorious Twelfth

And h/t to the Imperious Loudmouth for pointing the date out to me.

Today begins the grouse hunting season so I thought it appropriate to grouse.

I hate commemorating days. I am sure I have said it before and I truly believe it. To pick one day and say "let's be nice today" means that a person doesn't rate high enough to merit niceness on the other 364 days. It is a weasel move to make nice-nice on a random day and then be a bastage the rest of the year. Also, marking time means noting the inevitable movement towards death. If one refuses to accept that time passes, one never grows up and one can be like a mode of transport happily idling in the parking lot, never getting anywhere. It is like the Peter Pan Bus Syndrome.

But I do recognize the importance of taking stock and thanking the people around me and if there needs to be one day per year when I look at who I am and pay homage to all who influenced me then so be it.

First off, thanks mom. If you hadn't have given birth to me, you'd be huge right now. And dad, thank you for not cooking and eating me when I was a baby. Next, I would like to take a moment to recognize all the important Tonys in my life. Tony the bus driver. Man, you had a huge afro -- nice work, that. Tony the Tiger: I was never a big fan of your cereal but your attitude was always really, um, really good. And the Tony awards? I was never nominated for one but you have been a big influence on the television schedule so I guess I should say hi to you also.

To the English language: we haven't always gotten along and we still argue sometimes, but I rely on you more then you no.

Electric eels have been a vital part of my upbringing and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge them. I feel the same about you as I do about fountain pens and Connie Mack.

To all the girls I've loved before, please call off your lawyers. I'm feeling much better now.

And, of course, socks. Not the cat, nor the way of remembering Spanish. The piece of clothing without which, I would not be wearing socks today.

I can't imagine I have forgotten anyone or anything, but if I have, please know that I am taking some time out of my clearly busy schedule today to think of you, and how much you owe me.

And now a word from our sponsor.


Feel free to comment and understand that no matter what you type, I still think you are a robot.