Apocalypse Sync your Portfolio

I have been thinking about global warming recently. it is tough not to when one reads headlines proclaiming this past February as the warmest one recorded ever, anywhere this side of Venus. Along with concerns about increased temperature, there are predictions about extreme storms and wild weather. Wild those of us who have to walk from the house to the car are concerned, documentary film makers are salivating all around.

Now here's the thing. I don't know if global warming is real. I don't know if there are normal fluctuations of temperature and if climate is cyclical or if the yeti is left handed. But I do know this -- it is better to prepare for the worst case and, if possible, figure out how to make money off it. In that pursuit, I present some of my thoughts of how one can cash in on the impending increase in temperature.

First off, if the temperature goes up, people will need less of certain fossil fuels. Fact is, we won't have to heat our houses so much so oil will be in less demand. To a lesser degree, natural gas will also be used less, at least in terms of heating. But don't sell off gas yet -- natural gas grills and outdoor ranges will become more popular because the weather will be nice enough to grill for more of the year. No one grills over cooking oil, you know. Further in that regard, invest in sun tan lotion refineries. The lands sitting on sun tan lotion deposits, and those countries which have established SPF reserves will be in prime condition.

Sell stock in tanning salons and ancillary materials like those dumb looking goggles.

More short sleeved products (including the fashionable short-sleeved men's suit) means less fabric being used, and lighter fabric. Do not invest in sheep. If we aren't eating them, their wool will become less useful in hot weather. Lanolin, though, will probably still be important. You can keep the sheep. Animals with fur will be less of a draw because the fur won't be needed to keep us warm. Mink futures will plummet. Adjust your portfolio accordingly.

Next, there will still be a call for electricity, probably even more than now. Air Conditioners will be made wearable so portable, rechargeable batteries will be a must. Increased sunlight will make solar power a necessary accessory built into most clothing, water reclamation suits will move from sci-fi to just sci, and there will be an increase in products that keep us dry and smelling yummy. Extreme weather means higher waves and winds. So wind power and tidal power generation farms are a must, but for the latter, because of melting polar ice, start establishing the tidal farms in what is currently land locked. Not only will prices be lower but there will be less competition for shore front property in Pennsylvania if you buy now. Remember -- exploiting a cataclysm requires planning.

Also, there has to be some sort of way of turning ambient heat into energy. Heat makes air expand, right? So if you fill balloons with air and they expand, then the pressure they generate when expanding can move some sort of thing which could do...um...whatever you do to make lightning which turns into nine volt batteries. Or something like that. The details are fuzzy but you get the idea: if there is more heat, then the energy burned to make the world hot has to be turned into another form of energy which we can use. Maybe we should make those "drinking birds" that keep bobbing up and down forever, except attach them to some sort of grid.

And why isn't there rain power? Those drops come down pretty good sometimes. Why isn't that force being harnessed to do some thing. Hey, science! Get on this.

Because of the heat, corn will start popping while still in the fields. There will be a reduced demand for microwave ovens, but people will notice a shortage of artificial butter, and that's a shortage you can take advantage of.

Cars will all be white so will everything, or at least the light colors of Bermuda. If you have a garage full of dark paint, you might as well just spill it all out into the nearest reservoir now because it is of no use to you. Ice cream will be the province of the rich and elite. Even eating it will be a rare treat -- owning any will be reserved for the 1% who can afford to keep it cool. I'm not sure how we make ice cream but, you know, that.

Penguins will need a place to live once the poles close so new "Cold Air B and B's" will need to open and whoever invents the tastiest Penguin Chow will corner the market. Same with Polar Bears but they might just eat the penguins.

More ugly people will wear less clothing. I can't do anything about this except advise you to buy lots of sunglasses or go blind. Either/or. There will be a lot more sand but with the increased temperature, it will often turn to glass spontaneously. Sand castles by the sea shore will all become glass houses, so develop a service which clears areas of stones so as to protect the new living quarters from throwing accidents. Volcanoes will stop being awesome as will hot springs. We will just call them "meltains" and "springs." Houses will stop having fireplaces but instead will have built in iceboxes where families will gather around and cool themselves by the crackling ice. Less mess, no smell.

People will stop caring about the rain forests because with more wild rain storms, every forest will become a rain forest. If you can find a company which monetizes the dank rot from between my toes, you are set for life.

A few prudent decisions regarding your current holdings can amount to an incredible windfall when things start to go sideways, like cows.