I'm an Idiot

Sometimes I find myself alone, sitting, and thinking about life. Car rides are like that. Rainy afternoons at home when there is nothing on but old cooking shows and movies I either have seen too many times, or have no interest in seeing. I let my mind wander and inevitably it fastens on some completely and unforgivably stupid thing that I have done. And there are plenty to choose from.

By word of preface and apology, this post will be introspective and vague, often because the idiocy in which I engaged would still have consequences were it discovered now. Not all the consequences involve the penal system but those that don't invoke embarrassment beyond what I can handle. So I shall repeatedly avoid specifics.

But trust me, I'm an idiot.

I really did dumb things. I ran around and climbed where I shouldn't climb. I put myself into physically dangerous situations and I could have been killed. More than once. It is starting to sound like a confessional litany in here. In fact, instead of going through each case, I can just make a list of some of the the things that could have happened to me had the world been an ever so slightly different place.

I could be dead, in jail, dead in jail, alone, in pain, insane, excised, despised, lost, tossed, ignored, abhorred, reported, deported, chased, maced, laced, erased, ashamed, blamed, named, defamed, fired, fried, tired, tried, afraid, flayed, hated, hurt, muddied, sullied, and a bunch of other things I can't even think of now.

By all rights, and according to the laws of the universe, I should be dead, or sad, or something even worse. I have been so lucky so far and I think that part of growing up is the admission that I was a jerk, a joke, a fool and a failure and I somehow got away with most of it.

I am trying to change, but so many of my stupidities only appear in the rear view mirror of life, so while I hope not to be such a reckless and wreckful idiot in the future, I issue blanket anticipatory (first strike) apologies. I want to live a life worth living and full of opportunities to rise above not crash and burn. I guess we'll see.