My Green Shirt

I woke up this morning and got myself dressed. I'm sort of proud about that though I don't know why. I put the ensemble together myself, sans garanimals, put my pants on one leg at a time, remembered to put my underwear on first, and didn't wear my undershirt backwards. All in all, a win.

I put on my green, button down shirt. Neck size 16.5, sleeves, 34-35. I noticed the tag -- "Made in Indonesia."

I have never been to Indonesia but it struck me that somewhere in Indonesia, maybe in Indonesia City or something, there is a big building, and every day, some guy woke up in his bed in some suburb (the city of Indonesiaville?) and his day plan was something like this:

8AM -- go to work in big building
8:10 -- start making green, button down shirts.
5 PM -- go home.
Tomorrow -- repeat

That's it. He makes shirts. I don't know how but that's his life. Sometimes maybe the neck is 17 or 17.5 or the sleeves are 35. Maybe he specializes in green shirts, or maybe he can wake up on Tuesday and think "today, I'll make blue shirts" but once he is done with one shirt, he just starts on another. Shirts. He doesn't make culottes, or hats unless he has a second job (though I would guess that moonlighting as a haberdasher is rare in Indonesia).

I wake up in the morning with the prospect of engaging in meaningful conversations about intellectually stimulating topics. I will explore my spirituality, learn and change. I will go to bed a different person because I have challenged and been challenged. On some days, I will wake up with a completely different plan in mind. Maybe I'll go to the park, or watch a game. I could take a trip, or sleep late. I have places to eat and options galore. Tomorrow, I can make a completely different choice. And that guy is still waking up to make a green shirt.

But without that shirt, I have no shirt! My life of relative ease and freedom is contingent on the hard and consistent work or some guy in Indonesia. To a similar degree, pants! What the hey?

I need to take stock. I'm used to counting my blessings each day and appreciating what I have, but I also need to consider how I got what I have and on whose back I am standing when I reach for my shoes, my dishes, that pen, that orange juice. I enjoy my life because of the sacrifices they make to ensure their own. I am being blessed by the hard work of thousands and millions of nameless, faceless people in countries I will never visit, and what am I putting back into society that makes someone else's day, week or life more reasonable (and without any formal thanks)?

These should be humbling thoughts -- appreciate each and every thing you see and have access to. Take nothing for granted. It is too easy to forget that we only exist by the good graces of so many other people on this planet.

Not so late night thoughts

I tell my students that poetry can be defined as the overflowing of emotions on to paper and that the only thing that matters is the intent of the author.

I don't intend for this to be poetry. This is just a moment of me, alone, sitting and thinking about my year, my life and my everything. Feeling inspired, feeling empty, feeling sad and overjoyed. Living and dying through others and needing to spill it all out somewhere, just so that I can say, "it's out." Read if you want. I don't write for you. I write for me.

Sometimes I just take stock. Evenings when the wife is out working hard and Sparky the Dog is on a date, and there isn't anything in particular that captures my attention, my mind wanders and I think about, well, everything. I think about my luck -- a family, a home, a community, and my sadness -- what I have lost, what we have lost over the last year. What and who I miss right now. Where my ache is and how, despite all the blessings that are too numerous to count, I can still feel pain, and how that pain is often inextricably linked to the pride and love that I have inside me.

I'm thankful that there is kindness in the world, care and tolerance and that I can sit here in the relative comfort of my dining room, feeling tears when I have no reason to be sad, unsure whether I cry from joy or desperation, knowing that both are two sides of the same coin. I remember my dad, his smile and his sage advice. I worry about my mom, with her stubborn resilience covering an inside I cannot even fathom who must feel pains many years more acutely than I. I think about my kids, two strong women, finding their paths, both in Israel, with futures in which anything is possible and nothing is certain. I get a strange mix of fear and comfort knowing that they do and don't need me. My wife and I have succeeded despite our best efforts and now the payoff is a daily feeling of dread and emptiness.

I think about my faith and my beliefs, illogical and irrational as they are. How they hold me up and anchor me at the same time. How they make no sense and give me the joy of being frustrated by them at every turn. I feed off of questions and expect others to rejoice at the gift of the unknowable. How I am part of a chain and I bear an awesome responsibility in the face of a world which, at best, doesn't care, and how I have to be a light and carry a weight, how I have to yell to make sure others hear a thin, small voice. More confusion mixed with a fixed focus keeping me rushing headlong into the past.

I listen to a song, searching online for the one version that will touch me and drive me to understand something deeper. If you haven't heard it, the song is called Al Kol Eleh, For All This. Then I find a video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxzR9Z-kG6Q , which has strangers singing the song that unites, even as it celebrates that unique combination of mirth and sadness and what could drive us apart -- kindness in a world tempted by anger and division. Seeing people from all walks of life, all ages, and strata singing about the sweet and the bitter and recognizing that it all is what life is about gets to me. I'm a mess. I don't know what I want. I want to feel and not, to share and to withdraw.

For the loss we as a people
for the pain of just one man
for the child who learns to love
though no one says he can

for what's missed and what is broken
for the gifts we never see
for the mornings and the evenings
and what is yet to be

For all this, for all this
Please forgive this broken soul
Find my center, spread me outward
Let us learn to be a whole

For all this, for all this
Show my place among the stars
Or the sand, among the people
Let me cherish all the scars.

Be True

T-R

Sometimes I don’t know what to say to you and I’ll be honest – it is because you are smarter than I am and more complex in your thinking and I’m simply outclassed. It seems easiest then, instead of trying to write something of single substance, simply to list off some truths and wisdom which I have accumulated by watching my world over the last many, many years. Some is geared to you specifically, some to all people. I hope you can take from it only the best of intentions and even some moderate success. You are beautiful inside and out, your smart, passionate, strong and a true individual. I am proud to know you.

Don’t impute motives or tell others what they are thinking.

If you say “what I’m hearing is” or “it sounds like” realize that odds are, what you hear isn’t what the other person is saying – your hearing filters are as selective and subjective as you think the other’s speaking filters are, and you are probably more aware of a particular tone/intent because that’s what you are sensitive to.

You are in a different country. Carry an actual notebook with you. Before you need to buy anything, go shopping with no money on hand. Write down the prices of basic goods and what you expect to be frequent purchases from 2 or 3 different stores/vendors. How can you know if you are getting a good deal when you DO go shopping for real, if you don’t establish baseline prices?

Also, write down Hebrew words you learn. If nothing else, you can put together a list of “words you need to know” for others, the year after.

Your job is to get good at a whole many things, and as for the things you are already good at, get better. Different experiences and challenges make you a stronger person with great stories to tell. Great story tellers rule the world.

Very few things are the superlative – avoid excessive exaggeration in responses as it waters down sincere expressions.

Some of the classics still apply – say less and do more.

Get a good night’s sleep. Yes, in the short run this might eat into your social life, but less than a solid 8 hours makes you more susceptible to sickness, crabby moods, headaches and poor decision making.

Plan your naps wisely.

Speak slowly and carefully. The world exists by the virtue of each word.

Learn to make, eat and enjoy pasta. It is cheap, easy and fast.

Plan your laundry day – if you wait until you are on your last pair of whatever, and something comes up, you end up wearing dirty clothes.

Football is a real sport. Kadur regel (soccer) is a pale imitation.

Don’t rely on your phone for anything. Use it as a tool, not as a crutch. If you know and are comfortable with all the alternatives, then when the phone is unavailable you become the expert.

Do the walk to your classrooms and various other places BEFORE you have to. Know how long it should take to get there before you are late on the first day because you didn’t realize that there was a detour that wasn’t on the printed map.

Just because you are our second child, just because we treat you differently does not mean anything other than that you are your own person and need your own set of rules. You are Talia Ruby (TM?) and are a dang fine Talia Ruby who should be proud of herself.

You should be folding 2/3 of the Hold ‘em hands you are dealt and while there is glory in going pig, if you have the perfect low, take it.

If you hold yourself to high standards, that’s great. If you expect the same high standards from others, most will fall short, no matter how hard they try. Acknowledge that people try and make an effort. Don’t decide that if they are ham fisted or fall short, they shouldn’t be congratulated and appreciated.

Resentment lasts longer than appreciation.

Do one thing that isn’t “your job” every day.

Remember that family of all sorts matters. You don't have to like family but you need to appreciate family.

Look for reasons to say “yes” where saying “no” is easy, and look for reasons to say “no” when “yes” seems easy.

Politeness, respect and self-control are most admirable where they are least called for.

Get a good education. That includes watching the sunset in total silence.

Strategy – Problem: You ask someone else to do something and get mad that either

1. That person didn’t do it the way you wanted or

2. Why do you have to keep asking that person to do it,

Solution -- either sit with the other person/people when that thing doesn’t have to be done and discuss expectations and responsibilities, or just do it yourself without complaining. There is no doubt that other people are doing things instead of asking you. You just don’t see it.

Clean as you go. Trust me on this. And leave the kitchen cleaner than when you started.

Unscented soap confuses people.

Don’t be a bull in a china shop. Grace, care and subtlety are incredibly important in all situations, even when you are alone.

A car is a killing machine. A knife is deadly. Heck, an ice cube can be dangerous if you aren’t careful. Life requires attention to detail all the time. Take everything seriously, even your fun. Bad decisions last forever.

Focus. Multi-screens simultaneously is a bad idea and you need to disengage from screens and engage with life.

Situational awareness.

Baking requires precision.

Know your audience.

Do things without fanfare and not for the attention or the praise. If you make a difference behind the scenes you still have made a difference and haven’t forgotten that the difference is what matters, not the maker of that difference.

Choose battles very wisely and sparingly. Often, we respond to absolute rules with an absolute and opposite response. The long term consequences are rarely, if ever, a positive thing. Don’t let your reaction be driven by the tone or approach of another person’s action.

Stop saying like. Pick a random conversation and don’t say it. Make sure you still are in control.

Sometimes people give advice in the form of rules. This might be irritating but it doesn’t mean that the advice is wrong. We old folk have a slightly more expansive view and a nuanced appreciation of the big picture. We also tend to be insensitive louts. Don’t ignore our message because our delivery is off.

Express appreciation. Don’t assume people know you appreciate them and don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Even if you don’t feel it, say it because people need to hear it and the more you say it the more you will learn to feel (and recognize) it.

Fill the tank well before you are on Empty.

If you decide that it is worth your time to do, then do it well.

Learn some Torah whenever you can. There is a whole universe inside religious texts just waiting for you to jump in.

Everyone has something wrong. Some just wear it better than others.

In an argument, while passion and emotion seem to me more persuasive, they are fleeting in their victory. Logic and the intellect take longer to sink in but their effect is long-standing. Take a deep breath, rise above the hurt, sadness or other emotion, take a dispassionate look and piece together a rational response, accepting that people are not all alike but anticipating counter arguments. Allow others to lash out if they can’t control themselves.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, on the whole, Billy Joel is quite a lyricist.

You can be anything you are driven to be, but just make sure you are the best there is, and the only T-Ruby!