Second verse. Different attitude.

I don't like to repeat myself. I like to say new and different things and not repeat myself. Alas, sometimes repetition is, I repeat, necessary. In this current situation, I will be repeating and yet not - I will take a new tack as I explore a change of life which I have already addressed.

You might remember the traumatic moment that was my being labeled a senior citizen at Dunkin Donuts. It was so emotionally wrenching that, while I haven't stopped going to Dunkin (now, sans Donuts) but I have refused to look at the receipts. Today, i broke that streak and looked at the charges. I saw IT again (the senior citizen line item) but I didn't let that cow me. I am a strong, independent, woman (sans woman) and can deal with a bakery franchise deeming me over some metaphorical hill. Truth is, I'm a 49 (or so...math and I do not occupy the same space at the same time) year old, bald-esque, over, wait, not horribly fat Teaneck Jew-boy and no matter whether or not I feel old, I have learned to just go with the flow. But that's not the attitude adjustment I came here today to speak of.

So let use review the salient portion of my receipt. I bought a large decaf. Black, no sugar. All bitter and angry. A good cup of coffee should punch you in the nose on the way down. My receipt, listed as "Eat In Order: 216" in case your are keeping score at home, reads

1 Ht Cof LG Decaf 2.59
Black
1 Senior 5% (0.13)

To quote the bard, "that would be scanned."

Let's just say, for a moment, that I'm old. You needn't say it out loud, but grant me my senescence for a moment. If I have reached that lofty and exalted status of senior citizen, then I have proven my worth to society over a sufficient number of years and need to be recognized and rewarded for not currently being dead. And you know what? Five percent isn't going to cut it. Thirteen measly cents off after all my years of hard work aging? If you want the position of authority to call me a senior citizen then you are going to have to pay handsomely (so smile). Giving me 13 cents does not properly provide recompense for all the years I have had to endure. I now reserve the right to be a curmudgeon, a complaining codger! So give me my coffee and chop at least 25% off that bad boy's bill. Make me feel loved, or at least properly pitied. So, yeah, I'm old(ish) and want whatever goodies are coming to me before I get to the point when I can't complain publicly and loudly about it.

Fiver percent isn't even worth putting on the receipt. I am a senior. I want my senior swag.

My Green Shirt

I woke up this morning and got myself dressed. I'm sort of proud about that though I don't know why. I put the ensemble together myself, sans garanimals, put my pants on one leg at a time, remembered to put my underwear on first, and didn't wear my undershirt backwards. All in all, a win.

I put on my green, button down shirt. Neck size 16.5, sleeves, 34-35. I noticed the tag -- "Made in Indonesia."

I have never been to Indonesia but it struck me that somewhere in Indonesia, maybe in Indonesia City or something, there is a big building, and every day, some guy woke up in his bed in some suburb (the city of Indonesiaville?) and his day plan was something like this:

8AM -- go to work in big building
8:10 -- start making green, button down shirts.
5 PM -- go home.
Tomorrow -- repeat

That's it. He makes shirts. I don't know how but that's his life. Sometimes maybe the neck is 17 or 17.5 or the sleeves are 35. Maybe he specializes in green shirts, or maybe he can wake up on Tuesday and think "today, I'll make blue shirts" but once he is done with one shirt, he just starts on another. Shirts. He doesn't make culottes, or hats unless he has a second job (though I would guess that moonlighting as a haberdasher is rare in Indonesia).

I wake up in the morning with the prospect of engaging in meaningful conversations about intellectually stimulating topics. I will explore my spirituality, learn and change. I will go to bed a different person because I have challenged and been challenged. On some days, I will wake up with a completely different plan in mind. Maybe I'll go to the park, or watch a game. I could take a trip, or sleep late. I have places to eat and options galore. Tomorrow, I can make a completely different choice. And that guy is still waking up to make a green shirt.

But without that shirt, I have no shirt! My life of relative ease and freedom is contingent on the hard and consistent work or some guy in Indonesia. To a similar degree, pants! What the hey?

I need to take stock. I'm used to counting my blessings each day and appreciating what I have, but I also need to consider how I got what I have and on whose back I am standing when I reach for my shoes, my dishes, that pen, that orange juice. I enjoy my life because of the sacrifices they make to ensure their own. I am being blessed by the hard work of thousands and millions of nameless, faceless people in countries I will never visit, and what am I putting back into society that makes someone else's day, week or life more reasonable (and without any formal thanks)?

These should be humbling thoughts -- appreciate each and every thing you see and have access to. Take nothing for granted. It is too easy to forget that we only exist by the good graces of so many other people on this planet.

Not so late night thoughts

I tell my students that poetry can be defined as the overflowing of emotions on to paper and that the only thing that matters is the intent of the author.

I don't intend for this to be poetry. This is just a moment of me, alone, sitting and thinking about my year, my life and my everything. Feeling inspired, feeling empty, feeling sad and overjoyed. Living and dying through others and needing to spill it all out somewhere, just so that I can say, "it's out." Read if you want. I don't write for you. I write for me.

Sometimes I just take stock. Evenings when the wife is out working hard and Sparky the Dog is on a date, and there isn't anything in particular that captures my attention, my mind wanders and I think about, well, everything. I think about my luck -- a family, a home, a community, and my sadness -- what I have lost, what we have lost over the last year. What and who I miss right now. Where my ache is and how, despite all the blessings that are too numerous to count, I can still feel pain, and how that pain is often inextricably linked to the pride and love that I have inside me.

I'm thankful that there is kindness in the world, care and tolerance and that I can sit here in the relative comfort of my dining room, feeling tears when I have no reason to be sad, unsure whether I cry from joy or desperation, knowing that both are two sides of the same coin. I remember my dad, his smile and his sage advice. I worry about my mom, with her stubborn resilience covering an inside I cannot even fathom who must feel pains many years more acutely than I. I think about my kids, two strong women, finding their paths, both in Israel, with futures in which anything is possible and nothing is certain. I get a strange mix of fear and comfort knowing that they do and don't need me. My wife and I have succeeded despite our best efforts and now the payoff is a daily feeling of dread and emptiness.

I think about my faith and my beliefs, illogical and irrational as they are. How they hold me up and anchor me at the same time. How they make no sense and give me the joy of being frustrated by them at every turn. I feed off of questions and expect others to rejoice at the gift of the unknowable. How I am part of a chain and I bear an awesome responsibility in the face of a world which, at best, doesn't care, and how I have to be a light and carry a weight, how I have to yell to make sure others hear a thin, small voice. More confusion mixed with a fixed focus keeping me rushing headlong into the past.

I listen to a song, searching online for the one version that will touch me and drive me to understand something deeper. If you haven't heard it, the song is called Al Kol Eleh, For All This. Then I find a video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxzR9Z-kG6Q , which has strangers singing the song that unites, even as it celebrates that unique combination of mirth and sadness and what could drive us apart -- kindness in a world tempted by anger and division. Seeing people from all walks of life, all ages, and strata singing about the sweet and the bitter and recognizing that it all is what life is about gets to me. I'm a mess. I don't know what I want. I want to feel and not, to share and to withdraw.

For the loss we as a people
for the pain of just one man
for the child who learns to love
though no one says he can

for what's missed and what is broken
for the gifts we never see
for the mornings and the evenings
and what is yet to be

For all this, for all this
Please forgive this broken soul
Find my center, spread me outward
Let us learn to be a whole

For all this, for all this
Show my place among the stars
Or the sand, among the people
Let me cherish all the scars.

Be True

T-R

Sometimes I don’t know what to say to you and I’ll be honest – it is because you are smarter than I am and more complex in your thinking and I’m simply outclassed. It seems easiest then, instead of trying to write something of single substance, simply to list off some truths and wisdom which I have accumulated by watching my world over the last many, many years. Some is geared to you specifically, some to all people. I hope you can take from it only the best of intentions and even some moderate success. You are beautiful inside and out, your smart, passionate, strong and a true individual. I am proud to know you.

Don’t impute motives or tell others what they are thinking.

If you say “what I’m hearing is” or “it sounds like” realize that odds are, what you hear isn’t what the other person is saying – your hearing filters are as selective and subjective as you think the other’s speaking filters are, and you are probably more aware of a particular tone/intent because that’s what you are sensitive to.

You are in a different country. Carry an actual notebook with you. Before you need to buy anything, go shopping with no money on hand. Write down the prices of basic goods and what you expect to be frequent purchases from 2 or 3 different stores/vendors. How can you know if you are getting a good deal when you DO go shopping for real, if you don’t establish baseline prices?

Also, write down Hebrew words you learn. If nothing else, you can put together a list of “words you need to know” for others, the year after.

Your job is to get good at a whole many things, and as for the things you are already good at, get better. Different experiences and challenges make you a stronger person with great stories to tell. Great story tellers rule the world.

Very few things are the superlative – avoid excessive exaggeration in responses as it waters down sincere expressions.

Some of the classics still apply – say less and do more.

Get a good night’s sleep. Yes, in the short run this might eat into your social life, but less than a solid 8 hours makes you more susceptible to sickness, crabby moods, headaches and poor decision making.

Plan your naps wisely.

Speak slowly and carefully. The world exists by the virtue of each word.

Learn to make, eat and enjoy pasta. It is cheap, easy and fast.

Plan your laundry day – if you wait until you are on your last pair of whatever, and something comes up, you end up wearing dirty clothes.

Football is a real sport. Kadur regel (soccer) is a pale imitation.

Don’t rely on your phone for anything. Use it as a tool, not as a crutch. If you know and are comfortable with all the alternatives, then when the phone is unavailable you become the expert.

Do the walk to your classrooms and various other places BEFORE you have to. Know how long it should take to get there before you are late on the first day because you didn’t realize that there was a detour that wasn’t on the printed map.

Just because you are our second child, just because we treat you differently does not mean anything other than that you are your own person and need your own set of rules. You are Talia Ruby (TM?) and are a dang fine Talia Ruby who should be proud of herself.

You should be folding 2/3 of the Hold ‘em hands you are dealt and while there is glory in going pig, if you have the perfect low, take it.

If you hold yourself to high standards, that’s great. If you expect the same high standards from others, most will fall short, no matter how hard they try. Acknowledge that people try and make an effort. Don’t decide that if they are ham fisted or fall short, they shouldn’t be congratulated and appreciated.

Resentment lasts longer than appreciation.

Do one thing that isn’t “your job” every day.

Remember that family of all sorts matters. You don't have to like family but you need to appreciate family.

Look for reasons to say “yes” where saying “no” is easy, and look for reasons to say “no” when “yes” seems easy.

Politeness, respect and self-control are most admirable where they are least called for.

Get a good education. That includes watching the sunset in total silence.

Strategy – Problem: You ask someone else to do something and get mad that either

1. That person didn’t do it the way you wanted or

2. Why do you have to keep asking that person to do it,

Solution -- either sit with the other person/people when that thing doesn’t have to be done and discuss expectations and responsibilities, or just do it yourself without complaining. There is no doubt that other people are doing things instead of asking you. You just don’t see it.

Clean as you go. Trust me on this. And leave the kitchen cleaner than when you started.

Unscented soap confuses people.

Don’t be a bull in a china shop. Grace, care and subtlety are incredibly important in all situations, even when you are alone.

A car is a killing machine. A knife is deadly. Heck, an ice cube can be dangerous if you aren’t careful. Life requires attention to detail all the time. Take everything seriously, even your fun. Bad decisions last forever.

Focus. Multi-screens simultaneously is a bad idea and you need to disengage from screens and engage with life.

Situational awareness.

Baking requires precision.

Know your audience.

Do things without fanfare and not for the attention or the praise. If you make a difference behind the scenes you still have made a difference and haven’t forgotten that the difference is what matters, not the maker of that difference.

Choose battles very wisely and sparingly. Often, we respond to absolute rules with an absolute and opposite response. The long term consequences are rarely, if ever, a positive thing. Don’t let your reaction be driven by the tone or approach of another person’s action.

Stop saying like. Pick a random conversation and don’t say it. Make sure you still are in control.

Sometimes people give advice in the form of rules. This might be irritating but it doesn’t mean that the advice is wrong. We old folk have a slightly more expansive view and a nuanced appreciation of the big picture. We also tend to be insensitive louts. Don’t ignore our message because our delivery is off.

Express appreciation. Don’t assume people know you appreciate them and don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Even if you don’t feel it, say it because people need to hear it and the more you say it the more you will learn to feel (and recognize) it.

Fill the tank well before you are on Empty.

If you decide that it is worth your time to do, then do it well.

Learn some Torah whenever you can. There is a whole universe inside religious texts just waiting for you to jump in.

Everyone has something wrong. Some just wear it better than others.

In an argument, while passion and emotion seem to me more persuasive, they are fleeting in their victory. Logic and the intellect take longer to sink in but their effect is long-standing. Take a deep breath, rise above the hurt, sadness or other emotion, take a dispassionate look and piece together a rational response, accepting that people are not all alike but anticipating counter arguments. Allow others to lash out if they can’t control themselves.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, on the whole, Billy Joel is quite a lyricist.

You can be anything you are driven to be, but just make sure you are the best there is, and the only T-Ruby!

And more post ne'ilah thoughts

This is becoming a habit and I'll tell you why -- each year during Mincha, I imagine what I would say were I tasked with providing the inspiration pre-ne'ilah speech in synagogue so I force myself to come up with something and then I realize that no one spoke and I'm way behind...

Anyway, this year's "speech"

Ne'ilah is the scariest prayer.

I'll explain. The gates are closing and all that and the conventional wisdom is that these are gates of prayer and our prayers can't get through because, you know, gates. Meh.

I think of it differently. The holiday of Yom Kippur is an oasis in time, It is a refuge. It is a protected moment when we can explore spirit and commandment, take time to look inward and really focus on our prayers. In the prayers, we often read that Hashem gave the day to us. The Hebrew rod for "give" is the same root as the word for "present." No, not "stress on the second syllable 'to deliver' meaning" but the stress on the first syllable meaning a gift. The holiday is a gift because it allows us to step outside of the everyday and use our energy for something really special. The gates are closing and the holiday will end. And we are on the outside of the gates, left to our own devices, having to carry the mantle of spirituality into a world when it isn't Yom Kippur.

Man, that's scary.

God knows we need help. He gives us 3 prayer services a day during which we can carve some time and repent, ask, understand and praise. But that's not enough so on the sabbath and holidays, he gives us a fourth prayer (and these are the days on which we use that word "natan" -- gave, or some version of it to thank God for this bit of help, an opportunity to push off the world and reconnect with the divine.

But 4 isn't enough. We need more.

So once a year, God says, "OK kiddo, you tried to make due with 3 and struggled; you had some 4 but that isn't enough for you to rise the way I know you can so here's a softball -- one day a year, I give you 5, count 'em, FIVE prayers so you can really realize your spiritual potential." It's like he said "I'll give your training wheels training wheels and your crutches, crutches." The day is so joyous because with five prayers I can really make progress. Less time in between means less time for me to backslide. I feel an ecstasy at the close of day because I truly got INTO the experience. It was pervasive.

But the gates are closing. Welcome back to the world of 3 prayers a day. Try to keep this going with only 3 chances per day! Can I do it? I honestly don't know. I'm scared. I want more Yom Kippur (though, after a quick bite to eat, please). I want all impediments taken away FOR me -- I'm afraid I can't do it on my own.

But the gates are closing. I am being pushed out of the nest and told to fly on my own. And I'm scared. So I want to pour everything I have into that last prayer service, reach as high as I can, and as deep into myself as I can, so I can face tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow (sorry Bill) and stay on this level for as long as I can.

Please, God, let me stay inside the gates. Let me learn to carve that moment in time, that refuge of peace of spirituality everyday in my 3 opportunities and not lose myself in the spaces in between. I ask forgiveness for the times when I wandered away from path once the gates were closed, and I'll try to stay at the edge of that sacred space, basking even in the referred glow, so that when next Yom Kippur arrives, I will already be there, ready to jump in and reach even higher.

Some loose thoughts about this time of year

When Yom Kippur is just beginning, we will all say the Kol Nidrei prayer. This prayer is designed to absolve us from the consequences of unfulfilled oaths. I'm not going to get into the question of whether the prayer is on past vows, or on future vows, but on another point -- it doesn't absolve all vows. So, yeah, we chant it 3 times. It seems to be a really spiritual and affective moment. But it is incomplete. Then we have Yom Kippur. Full of awe and prayer and demanding of us that we deny ourselves food and other pleasures, we like to think that we emerge forgiven but in truth, it just isn't so! While we might be gain forgiveness for certain sins, there are others that are not covered by the prayers of Yom Kippur! (both these points are mentioned here and I'm sure you can find all sorts of other web pages which mention them including this one)

In temple times, we had sacrifices -- in fact, we had ones designed to bring about forgiveness. But the truth is, these sacrifices only dealt with a specific slice of sins and certainly not intentionally committed ones. What we have are a whole lot of incomplete systems. I'm going to couple this with another strange thing I noticed recently about Jewish ritual. These ideas might not really go together but to me they complement each other nicely.

There seems to be a fascination in Judaism with guests. Not only is there a biblical commandment to welcome guests, and not only do certain holidays include the giving of things to others and sharing meals, but there are a number of instances in which we actually invite conceptual/spiritual guests in to our practices as part of our obligation.

Every week, we say a prayer welcoming the Sabbath Queen -- the Sabbath, itself, is likened to a Queen or a Bride and we usher her in and we long for her to stay. Eventually, we escort her out. Elijah has a cup of wine set for him at the Passover seder as we invite him to visit. On Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles, we invite a series of guests, one each night, to join us in the Sukkah. Elijah gets another nod at each brit milah/circumcision. So we are constantly bringing in others -- human and supernatural alike, to share in what we are and what we have. It seems that, like our other atonement rituals, what we have on our own is incomplete.

The holidays are not about completing a ritual and moving on. We cannot be complete unless we complement our thoughts with actions. Our atonement must reflect a change, not a prayer, a repentance, not an ritual. Our celebrations have to acknowledge that we are part of a community which transcends time and space. If we want to have a complete result, we have to move beyond simply doing the letter of the law and expecting it to do the job.

Abraham didn't Screen his calls

On the second day of Rosh Hashana we read the Torah reading that mentions the binding of Isaac. It begins with a very strange statement (Gen 22:1) – And if happened after these things that God tested Avraham and said to him, “Avraham” and he replied, “Here I am.”

Then God goes ahead and tells Abe to drag the boy up the hill, tie him down and just go to town. In most counts, this command is the tenth of a series of tests – check out the lists in the ArtScroll Chumash (pages 100 and 101) if you want to check. But I disagree. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a test to be told to kill your boy, but I think the essence of the test is in the first verse.

God has spoken to Avraham before. He appeared in a vision, he visited after the circumcision, and he just shows up and gives commands or reassurances. One moment God isn’t there and then God is. Abe sits around and then, poof, God tells him the whatfor. But not here. Remember, Avraham has fought kings, moved his entire family, had his wife kidnapped, had to bargain for people and then save Lot, deal with famine and trust that he wouldn’t die childless. He was old. He was tired, and no doubt, he was still smarting from having to cut off his own foreskin.

Then the phone rang.

God didn’t just appear and give an order. God didn’t materialize in a vision or a dream, or even poof, show up as a disembodied voice and tell Avraham what to do. He called ahead. What was the test? At this point, Abraham figured that he was done and he just wanted maybe a nice nap. But he knows that if he picks up that phone, if he acknowledges that God is calling him, there is going to be a demand. He finally has a son and he wants some rest. The easy thing to do would be the ignore the phone, try to avoid any more conflict. This is the test. When you have a chance to think before you engage, do you still engage? Is it ever “enough”? God wants to see if Avraham has drawn a line and just wants to be left alone. But Abe steps up and picks up the phone on the first ring. He says “I am here – whatever you want” even when he knows that something difficult will no doubt be demanded. The superhero doesn’t get a day off. Being asked to sacrifice his son is almost anti-climactic after that. Of course he will comply! He picked up the phone knowing that God will want the impossible. By the time he says “here I am” he is already passing the test.

Compare this to a little bit ahead, in verse 7. Avraham is trekking with the boy, alone. There is an uneasy silence and then Isaac decides to ask the obvious question. He works up the courage “Then Isaac spoke to Abraham his father and said, ‘father’ –”

That’s all he says initially. “Father.” And Abraham, knowing what is coming, knowing the uncomfortable conversation about to happen chooses not to ignore his son. He doesn’t hum louder or pretend to be busy with something else. He picks up quickly and, again says “here I am.” Another test. Can he face his son when it all gets really real? Yes. The superhero mans up and engages. He doesn’t hide.

During this season, and in our lives, can we have the strength of Abraham and answer that phone on the first ring even though we know we will be asked something difficult? Can we answer the voices around us with equanimity and grace even when we know that conversation will be a tough one?

May we all find the strength to accept the charges.