some recipes

With the holiday season upon us, I feel it appropriate to share some of my culinary gifts. TPTB have graced me with skills galore in the kitchenette so I would like to spread the wealth like so much chunky peanut butter.

The first rule -- Fry, baby, fry. Nothing there is that doesn't like a deep fryer. A bath in hot oil makes everything better, from chicken legs to chicken thighs. And poems by Frost. But for heaven's sake, use canola.

Rule number 2 -- if you wash all your dishes BEFORE you use them, you don't have to wash them afterwards. True fact.

Third -- there are two secret ingredients, depending on whether what you are making is meat or dairy. The ingredients are butter and schmaltz. The details are simply commentary.

Rule the fourth -- you need NOT preheat the microwave.

Number five -- choose your shirt to match the sauce.

Six -- regardless of what the name indicates, a side of beef actually has 2 sides.

Seventh -- many people have asked me about using wine to cook with. I prefer to stew the cook starting 3 hours before you begin. Wine? Wine not?

Rule number 8 -- cookbooks are a good place to start. Write the phone number of places that deliver in the margins of the cookbook. Only later should you consult a phone book.

Number nine -- you don't have to wear that cool white hat but if you don't, you're a loser.

The tenth rule -- once the food can get up and walk around by itself, it is no longer safe to eat. It IS safe to serve, and occasionally, clear and wash dishes.