or your money back

I don't like guarantees. I don't like promises. I don't like commitments of many sorts. Does that make me a bad person? No. I'm a bad person for other reasons. But the fact is, I don't like guarantees. And I'll tell you why.

I want people to like me.

That probably doesn't make sense to you, so allow me to explain.

I started using this new toothpaste recently, called "Optic White." It promises "whiter, more fabulous teeth in 7 days." That is a guarantee, or you get your money back. My teeth, truth be told, are "off white" the way the house in the Amityville Horror was a "fixer-upper." I have tried lots of different stuff, not because I particularly want whiter teeth, but because pop culture told me I had to. Who am I to argue with the hive mind? So I bought this toothpaste and have been checking it out.

A week has passed. My teeth look very much like my teeth. I haven't noticed any difference and strangers on the street still refuse to come over and tell me how amazed they are by my blinding smile.

So I should call, and get my money back, right?

Wrong.

If I call the conversation goes like this: "Hello? I tried your toothpaste and I'm still ugly. I'm cheap also and actually thought that I could by my beauty in a tube. Since that has failed and I must admit that I'm naive and gullible, I'd like my three dollars back. OK?" I may have to tweak the wording to get it just right, but the idea is that this phone call forces me to fess up that I tried to cure my image problem by buying something with the same active ingredient as 12 other products on the market. And I have to admit that I am still the same monster I was last week, with the children crying and the court issuing their restraining orders. No diff. I have to make the claim that I'm not just tough to look at, but I want to capitalize on that wretchedness by asking for my cash back.

I mean, I could say "you promised me noticeably whiter teeth, and I don't notice anything." Then all they have to do is say "Sir (meaning, 'jerk face'), just because you aren't able to notice something doesn't make it not so. Some people can tell the difference between cornsilk and sky blue and some are unperceptive morons. Your inability does not constitute justification for your miserliness."

Wouldn't it be easier if I called up and told them what they want to hear? "Your product is fabulous -- I'm a new man, and I owe it all to you!" That's the kind of talk that wins friends and influences people. Do I want to call the guy at the acne place and say "I'm still pimply you liar. Gimme my cash." I want him to think I'm dashing and happy. Don't get me started on the lady who sells the "male enhancement" pills. I'm not calling her back and saying "I'm still less of a man." I want people to say "There goes a guy who is comfortable with himself -- which is easy when you're as good looking and well adjusted as he is, and you don't need to whine and ask for your money back."

Yeah. That'd be swell.