Sunday, February 16, 2014

Self Help

I have decided to write a self help book. I encourage you to go out and buy many, many copies.

I often stumble upon truths which, if widely disseminated, might help avoid conflict and line my pockets with royalties and I would like to start listing some of these truths.

As I stated on facebook recently, the thing that gets men in trouble with women is "adjectives." Tell a man to do something using nouns and verbs and BAM, it gets done. When you start describing details, that's when things get dicey. And adverbs? Chuck 'em. Don't tell us how to do it because that will just ensure that we do it wrong since men and women speak different languages. Raking the leaves is quite different from "rake the leaves well" and that "well" is different to a man and a women.

Also, women, understand that men don't feel the need to wash clothes that they just bought before they wear them because they don't buy clothes to take home, wear and return. We buy the stuff we want. If it is in the store, odds are, no man has tried it on. So when I decide on it, I can be pretty sure it is clean. Women use the store as a warehouse and the bedroom as a dressing room to try on 10 dresses for their friends and decide on 1. They then return 8 because they might change their mind about the block one with the lacy thing on. Damn adjectives.

It is completely impossible to share a tube of toothpaste with someone without one of the involved parties being unhappy with the way the tube is handled or used. To avoid conflict, keep separate tubes of toothpaste.

If you were on Atkins, you wouldn't care about why hot dogs and hot dog buns have different numbers in their packaging. Simplify, man. Simplify.

Every person is required during his lifetime to buy 12 pens. After he meets that quota he is allowed, nay, expected to pick up any pen he finds on the ground and use it until he forgets it somewhere and someone else picks it up.

The following things only matter if they are followed by a particular phrase: furniture, paper weights, rental cars, turtles, diet salad dressing. The required phrase is "when they explode in a movie."

Professional athletes, movie stars and political figures have a job to do. Pay attention to the job they do and not their personal habits. Your life will be much less cluttered.

Emotional baggage should have wheels. [I'm still working on that one]

Child safety caps for pill bottles wouldn't be necessary if we developed the habit of putting pill bottles away someplace where kids don't play. Putting a safety on a gun encourages us to leave the gun on the dining room table.

Squirrels are just so damned cute. If you think otherwise, you are wrong.

Pie is not easy. If it were easy, it wouldn't be pie. It would be a piece of cake. A piece of cake IS easy. That's why it is a piece of cake and not pie.

Girls always tilt their heads to the side when they get their picture taken. Girls also like The Kiss by Klimt. Now you know why.

It's a cell phone, not a life support system. Your social life should not demand that you interrupt your social life to be anti-social and check your phone to comment on your social life.

Left turns use more muscles than right turns. If you want to lose weight, make more left turns. And frown. Frowning encourages weight loss because no one asks you out to dinner.

Children are a gift. When you leave the hospital, keep the receipt.

These will be in my self-help book. By buying it, you will give me money and that will be a help to me, myself. I hope you didn't think this was an "Other Help" book. Charity begins at home. My home.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Feel free to comment and understand that no matter what you type, I still think you are a robot.