Note -- the following is Purim Torah. If it crosses the line into being offensive then that is only because that's what I intend to do. If you take this seriously then that's your fault. I will be raising points and questions to which there are loads of real answers and explanations but that's not my area of expertise -- specialize in being difficult for difficulty's sake. Purim Torah, people. Lighten up, Francis.
This morning I will be live blogging my shul's megillah reading so as to explicate the various lesson's it is imperative that we, as good Jews and sometimes people are supposd to glean from its text. This is an exciting time as, only after 2300 years have we truly begun to appreciate precisely what normative behavior was intended by this moving story of a man and his airplane. I will start at the beginning and make my way haphazardly towards the end. There will be no order, rhyme or reason. Any similarity to rhyme is purely accidental.
1. Women, listen to your husbands. Look at Vashti and what happened to her.
2. Men -- women, right? I know!
3. Kids, sometimes mommies and daddiss fight when they drink but just because daddy "sends mommy away" doesn't mean he won't then bed every woman in the kingdom in order to find someone else who can ignore you.
4. Young ladies, if your uncle says "sleep with the king and marry him" do it. If your husband says "don't tell him your background" keep that secret! Secrets are important for a healthy forced marriage. If your uncle says "now tell him who you are and save your family and people" then you argue.
5. Wise men, if you hear about a plot to kill the king, make sure you keep that leverage so you can score a horse ride later on.
6. If you want to be attractive to your husband for fear that he might kill you otherwise, fast for 3 days.
7. To be emotionally manipulated and threatened by your uncle who happens to be wearing a potato sack is a good and righteous thing. (In Latin, it really flows; a Dulce et Decorum Est reference for my Lit type buddies).
8. If your husband asks you what you want, ask for a party with a short guest list. No, we don't have to invite the whole world -- just that one creepy guy.
9. One party is never enough. Nothing says "my nation is to be killed" like 2 parties!
10. If the dad is bad, also kill all the kids. Not the wife though. Every pot has a lid that you keep after throwing the pot out, just in case it fits another pot.
11. Always ask permission before attempting acts of mass self defense and self preservation.
12. When in doubt, raise taxes and invent a holiday.
13. Ultimately, Jews do control the government and kings are stupid heads.
I hope you are now educated.