John Wick is NOT a documentary

 I apologize to anyone who has heard me opine on the following topic but I feel it needs to be written down for the wider world.

I have begun to believe that the John Wick movie is NOT a documentary. This is not because I don't believe that our society is a pastiche of assassins, tied together by a network of old computers, pagers, gold coins, pierced lips and deadly pencils. My realization was inspired by an experience I had.

Recently I gave blood. In a John Wick universe, this is a very important practice because it seems that people are often bleeding. After I gave blood I ran some errands and then came home and decided to take a nap. So far, so alive. Julie came home a little later and said that one fo the bottles I bought was leaking. So I jumped up from the couch, ran over to the bottle, crouched down to inspect and then stood up again, all way too quickly. Now, maybe it was because I had given blood. Maybe it is because I am on medicine which gives me very low blood pressure. maybe it was because I hadn't slept more than 3 hours the night before. Heck, maybe it was because I was smoking crack. I dunno. A lot of people were yelling stuff.

But the bottom line is that I passed out. I could feel it happening and I recall checking the screen door to make sure it was seculrely closed so I could lean against it as I fell. It wasn't. And boom goes the Dan-o-mite. With Julie's encouragement and help I crawled my way to the sofa and climbed aboard. Though I had not hit my head, I was not without booboos. And here is where I started to doubt the veracity of the events in the John Wick movie.

In the John Wick movies, characters get thrown from cars, pushed down flights of stairs, and shot repeatedly (and that's all done before the conflicts develop). People beat each other with books, get bitten by dogs and engage in martial arts fights in which they end up on the floor and then they (get this) GET BACK UP (all without the help of Julie). And don't tell me it is because John Wick is a young man so he can do things I can't. John Wick has got to be at least in his forties and by the time I was in my forties, the snaps, crackle and pops of my joints made for a joyful chorus, punctuated by the chants of "ouch" and "oy" which framed the music of my bones.

I passed out briefly because my body decided that standing was too difficult and I have scrapes and bruises to show for it. My nemeses were gravity and his henchman "the ground" and I'm still feeling the effects 2 weeks later. Bruises have turned a series of fashion colors and scabs cover my shin. The union is unhappy but them's the breaks. How is it that someone in that John Wick universe can be stabbed, fight back and incapacitate a room full of baddies, then stitch himself up and go out for a rousing game of pin the bullet on the villain, a game held somewhere in the Alps, which he climbs himself.

So I'm going to have to call BS on the John Wick documentary. Stuff like that can't really happen. Also, no one ever goes to the bathroom.