As Dark as Dark can be

Warning -- if you are easily offended or triggered by dark humor, discussions of death and disease and like that, skip this one. But first, send me money. That's the tl;dr of this. You have been warned.

I think we all know that I'm falling apart. I have had surgeries on both feet and on my back. My shoulder is doing ok, but my back is acting up again. I'm sitting, typing this while wearing a heating pad that doubles as a weight belt. My back still hurts and I'm heavy. Mission accomplished. I originally figured that I get my bad back from my dad. Genetics and all. But if I recall correctly, my dad hurt his back in some sort of vehicular accident. I don't think you can inherit injuries like that unless evolution is actually some sort of Lamarckian joke.

But once I started thinking about genetics, I started to consider what else I would get from my parents. I missed out on the "no discernable butt" gene that my dad had. I have a double helping on that front, i.e. back. I'm balding, just like (eventually) both my parents. And that points to the big C.

Cancer lives well in my family. That's just an historical fact. Grandfather (mom's side) had it. Uncle (mom's side) had it. Mom had it. Dad had it. And they didn't just have 1 -- no, they were polycancerists and believed that one should sample all the cancers that life has to offer. Cancer dilettantes maybe, but I prefer to call them generalists. A Jack of all Cancers, as it were.

The way I figure it, all sorts of conditions and diseases are vying for the chance to take me down, but the cancer family has a real head start. I also figure that cancer is an expensive disease, as one has to spend all that money on wigs and marijuana, and I'm guess that that adds up. I won't add it up because that's math, something which I fear more than cancer, so I'll just let you imagine someone adding up the costs of my care. I figure it won't be cheap because I want brand name chemo, not the generic stuff.

How am I going to pay for all that, you might ask. And it would be a good question, so here's the plan:

I am starting a lottery. You pay an an entry fee of $10 and can put in a guess as to the type, location, date of diagnosis or date of death.  More entries and you can make more guesses!

The winner of each category will get one eighth of the collected entry fees. I get half and the remaining half is split among the 4 winners (random drawing of correct entries in the event of a tie).

Maybe I'll set up odds. Pancreas is more likely, but the dark horse of tongue cancer pays off much better.

So step right up, pay your way and make a guess. I can't guess because of the conflict of interest but I can advise you not to put money of "colon" because I'm pretty clear in that department. I'd advise something more esoteric.