Wednesday, July 4, 2012

It's not me, it's shoes

Let's talk about shoes. Don't ask why. if you don't want to discuss shoes then go away. My blog, my rules. And right now, I'm talking about shoes.

How many shoes does one man need? (With apologies to Tolstoy)

I have the following pairs of footwear:
1 pair of work shoes.
1 pair of dress shoes
1 pair of backup dress shoes which I have never worn and which may not be mine
1 pair of canvas shoes for religious reasons
1 pair of regular sneakers
1 pair of waterproof, mesh sneakers
1 pair of floppies/water shoe things
1 pair of slippers shaped like moose heads

That's it. That is 8 pairs of shoes/footwear to my name. And I think that, as many men go, that's a lot. I have yet to find an occasion which could not be prepared for by choosing one of those shoe-options. I also own 6 suits and a pair of slacks. I have about 20 button down shirts, half of which are plain white. Somehow I stay on the fringes of sartorial respectability.

I currently own more toner cartridges than I own pairs of shoes. And I haven't bought toner in a while.

So why, please tell me why, is my entrance way littered with shoes. I'll tell you why -- the wife and kids. Each owns more shoes than I think is necessary. Apparently, one must find the exact pair of black flats which was created to be used only on one particular Tuesday evening and only if a prospective dinner will be serving red wine or kettle corn. But not both. God forbid you wear the ones with the large bow instead of the small bow. It could signal the apocalypse, or worse yet, sideways glances from some other person who, I guess, keeps book on these things. There are the heels that look great but no one can wear. There are the comfy shoes to wear when no one will see. The "when did I ever think gladiator shoes were cool?" gladiator shoes. The green (but not THAT green) wedges which are fancy but not too fancy and don't clash with the hair clip which will remain in the clutch all evening. The golden slip-ons which used to be for parties but now have been demoted to parade-marching wear. The running shoes, the sneakers, the gym sneakers, the "sneakers I can write on" and the junky sneakers for when one is walking through cow pastures. Is there really such a variety of events and occasions that one needs every possible combination of color, shape, height and closures to be covered? I can only imagine the geishas who bind their they need different types of bindings for different social experiences?

If you can, please enlighten me and I will refrain from the following puns for the span of 1 (one) year:
A penny loafer for your thoughts
I need some en-toe-tainment
This is my sole post on the matter
That joke fell flats.


  1. B"H

    I really don't think any straight man could ever understand the love affair between women and shoes. I have somewhere around 100 pairs of shoes, most of which I rarely wear, but, I'm rough on shoes, so I need extra pairs of sandals/flip-flops, sneakers/walking shoes. In any case, shoes are just an extension of the rest of our wardrobe -- to whit, I have tons of dresses and skirts/blouses that I rarely wear, but I need to have them around.

  2. No boots? You must have boots.

  3. What about, "I'm done, so get the heel out of here!"


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