Owner's Manual, Chapter 7

Why Don't Travel

Note please: This chapter is not entitled "Why I don't Travel" as the facts listed herein are generalizable to any and all of good sense.

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Traveling, with only minor exceptions, is bad. People shouldn't do it and if you disagree, you are wrong. I will lay out my case in this chapter so that no one makes the mistake of traveling. I will, of course, explore the exceptions but don't go in expecting there to be a wide enough selection of reasons TO travel to justify your last cruise to no where.

I. Underlying stupidity

1. You are currently paying someone to be where you are -- home, apartment, dorm, wherever. You own someone something and you pay for it. Why then pay to be anywhere else? If you move to elsewhere then you can pay someone there and not pay the people where you used to live. But that isn't traveling, that is moving. That is dealt with in Chapter 8, "When and Why to Move."

Exceptions -- if you live in an RV, van or are homeless. Then, going anywhere is traveling and is acceptable, though for the first 2, staying put can save money.

It costs money to travel, to stay elsewhere and to pay for all the accouterments to travel. When one goes places, one spends on things that he or she might otherwise not want, need or care to pay for. Cabs, meals, refrigerator magnets and such. Dumb as dumb can be.

2. You are currently in a reasonable state of mental health. If you need a break, take vacation days and sit on the lawn in a chair watching the useful idiots run off to work. Go to the local mall and buy nothing. But why have the stress of planning, the angst of waiting and the mental, emotional and physical pain of having to remember everything, get somewhere on time, carry heavy baggage and all that goes along with travel, only to have to do the same, in reverse when your date of return approaches?

3. You know where you are, what time it is and how to get to where you are going next. Dealing with jet lag, changes in time zones (and their effect on television schedules!) unknown streets and local customs seems like an unnecessary strain.

II. Stupid methods

You have to get places by doing something. We don't have (as of this writing) practical beaming technology, so you have to get up and get out of your house (already a bad idea) and take what we like to call a "mode of transportation" (which we will not heretofore be referring to as MOT). Modes of transportation are a necessary evil. This does not make them any less evil.

1. By walking. While this is not a horrible option it limits you to travel within a walking distance of your home base unless you get up really early (another bad idea) and intend to walk for a bunch of days straight, carrying all your stuff. This is called hiking and it defies all logic. It is the land version of a cruise, only with different modes of depressing thoughts. And bears. What the hell?

2. By car. Great, pay for gas, map out routes to avoid toll roads, find a hotel, motel (not "or Holiday Inn" as a Holiday Inn is just an example of a hotel -- why would you list it separately? Duh.) and pay to be there, worried that some homicidal maniac IS IN THE TUB!!!! I know right? Also, cars limit range of travel unless you split the criticizing of the driving between consenting adults with license to criticize, and avoid things like sleep and showers so you can get somewhere very far away and begin dreading the exact same drive back.

3. By train. All abored! Just sit back and watch nature whizz past as you sit back and, um, watch nature whizz past. Break out a deck of cards and play solitaire which you could NEVER do at home, right? Walk over to the club car and pay too much for something wrapped in plastic. Or stretch out and take a nap. You aren't missing anything. And when you get to your destination, feel free to rent a car so you can also drive, or get a cab so you are at the mercy of locals. It's all good. Of course, you can tack the auto-train which requires driving to the one place that the auto-train is, and going to exactly where the auto-train goes, then you can drive your own car to somewhere else. Rinse, repeat on the way back. Hoorah.

4. By sea. Assuming that you live near a port (there is a special place in hell for those people who take a plane to the ship -- doubling down on dumb. Two stresses for the price of two! Who needs those last 10 years of your life?) you can take your stuff and get on a hotel which also makes you nauseated! What do you gain by going on a cruise instead of to the local 6 star hotel for s few nights? Oh yeah, the inky blackness of the infinite sea at night, beckoning you closer, drawing you in...no one would know. Just jump. Don't tell me you haven't felt the pangs of despair as you stood by the rail and stared into the heart of nothingness, all alone at 3AM. You know you have. It wasn't just me. It wasn't, dammit!

5. By air. God gave us gravity and he doesn't like it when we mess with that. Sure, with enough speed and science metal buses with wings can fly from place to place until God, in a fit of pique reminds us that there is still gravity. Planes can't pull over to the side of the sky to fix a flat. Turbulence (or "chop") does allow you to taste the airline food more than once, so there's that. But airports with their security lines, passport control lines, check-in lines and boarding lines bring out the absolute truth in humanity. We are all horrible and after all the squabbling on line, the best idea we have is to be cramped into seats too small to watch a movie we avoided when it first came out to the theaters, and argue over the armrest with a stranger. Sure, you can pay to upgrade, but is it worth spending double the price so that you can, for a space of between 4 and 12 hours, not be as uncomfortable? I can be less uncomfortable for free by staying home. Idiot.

6. By animal. Sure, by all means, abuse one of nature's gentle beasts. At least return the favor and carry the horse on your back for the return trip. Does that make any sense? Exactly.

III. Stupid reasons

Why travel? In this section I will go through the reasons that people travel and why, with some exceptions, they are unpersuasive and you are a fool if you let these reasons persuade you. Because they are unpersuasive. Didn't you just read what I wrote? Jeez.

1. To see places and their things. This is the most widespread reason people travel, so that they can see things. Why would people ever want to see things? Because they are pretty? They are ugly? They are old? And also, the things they see might be those also. HA! Anyway, what is there that you can't see on the internet, from the comfort of your local Starbucks? You want art? The internet has it. You want to see the ruins of some long lost civilization? Internet. The sunset? I'll pull up 10,000 jpegs for you. Tourists aren't supposed to touch Stonehenge, or take the Mona Lisa home, so what's the point of schlepping thousands of miles to look at anything in person? You say that you want to feel the rain forest? Come over and I'll spray you with acid rain mixed with bird crap and then I'll let some local mosquitoes give you a disease you haven't heard of. All so that you can look at a flower and tell your friends. Why the fascination with things that exist somewhere else? Have you ever really just looked at your lawn? Lie down on your lawn and look at each blade. Free, and you'll get all the dirt and bugs up your nose that the Amazon could offer, except you will be keeping your money local, so that local bugs have jobs. Winter outside? Go count snowflakes, human and otherwise. You realize that if you walk the length of the Great Wall of China you have had to walk, had to get to China and all you did was walk on a wall. I'm sure you can get the concomitant (stress on the 2nd syllable) T-shirt online: "I walked the Great Wall of China and who the hell cares?" You want to scuba dive? Stick your head in the toilet and see what lives there? You can swim locally and go to an aquarium. Now siddown and shut up.

2. To share experiences with others. Yes, we both went to Paris and saw the Eiffel Tower. So now what do we talk about? Remember when we both saw a tower? That was awesome. Hey, did you ever see The Leaning Tower of Pisa? Dude, it's leaning! Did you take one of those pictures where it makes it seem like you are holding it up? Yeah, so did literally everybody else. If no one visited, no one would have to visit to keep up with insipid conversation. We could all talk about things that matter like local snow or why we have bugs in our noses but that grass is cool. No one wants to see your pictures or hear your stories unless in those stories someone suffers and then, you could transplant it to someplace local and it would be just as funny.

3. To experience local culture. What a crock. Is it really fascinating that the people in other countries do a different set of denigrating tasks to attract your pocket change? Must you walk through their local markets to feel better about yourself as you buy a scarf that no one really thinks is all that nice and you could have gotten it on eBay for less? Are the pick pockets in another city more able and admirable than those where you live? What local culture are you really interested in? How people can talk about you in another language and you think they are complimenting your hat? OOOH, a local house of worship with strange pictures and icons and people dressed differently so you can ogle them. Think about how you would feel if you, while in your local house of worship, doing your house of worship thing, suddenly saw tourists walk in and snap pictures while pointing at you. Weird, right? Same thing. Does a zoo in another country have any animals you couldn't gawk at closer to home?

Exceptions --

1. To connect with your heritage. If you are Irish and want to be in Ireland to be around Irish people and visit where your family lived 300 years ago, then that's OK, for 1 trip. If you are Muslim and want to do the Hajj, then that's fine -- you are driven by something larger than "just going" and I can get behind that. Very few go to the Cayman Islands to feel spiritually joined to their ancestors.

2. To see family. If you think that being in their physical presence really matters (hint, with Skype and the like it doesn't), then I can see why you would go to a particular place for a particular time. Either 1 day or the rest of your life. No in between. Once you have seen them, then hanging around and continuing to see them is useless, and if you really want to keep seeing them, then why leave, ever?

2a. To see friends. Well, if they were such great friends, why did they move, huh? If you are going to meet people whom you have only interacted with over the internet then please tell me where the key to your house is so that when you end up in pieces in somebody's freezer, I can take your television.

3. To experience an event that is limited in time and place. A graduation, a wedding or something else with which you have a personal/familial connection should be attended. Sometimes this requires travel and the hosts won't accept video-conferencing, robots, or local impersonators who bear a passing resemblance. Seeing shows and demonstrations which are happening in one place or time is somewhat acceptable. The question is why you attach such importance to seeing "Star Trek: The Interactive Ice Musical" in the first place. But I can see why one might want to be up front and personal for a coup d'etat. Those are the best coups by the way. Don't waste time and money on bloodless ones. This notion does not include going to see volcanoes erupt, going to see a guard being changed (gross, by the way) or any of the other natural and man-made events which can be seen online or in books. If you don't have a personal reason to be there, why go? The king of Spain doesn't care if you show up for his coronation unless you are a family member or an important person. You are reading this blog. You aren't. If you are really that addicted to gambling, find a closer casino, like your computer.

4. For work. You have to go. If you can manipulate the "must" into one that allows boozing and debauchery then have at it. Save your receipts from the hookers.

III. The Food Discussion

One reason people go places is to taste the eats that only other places provide. This is only rarely valid. You want to go to Italy for pizza? Is there no pizza place in your town? In, only a short car ride away, isn't there an "authentic pizza" fancy restaurant with irregular crusts, blogs of some strange cheese, and a few basil leaves on top? Viola, a musical instrument! I am ignoring for the moment the strain and hassle if you happen to have allergies or subscribe to a diet of any sort (religiously imposed or recommended by that smarmy doctor who just never seems to gain weight...young punk). Finding an eatery which conforms to your particular needs is an undue complication and isn't worth it. The various flavors of food around the world are attractive only in our minds. Food is food. You can go local and get something exotic. You needn't go too far to have something that you wouldn't make at home. True, some locales offer food which just isn't (allowed to be) available near your home, but is that really necessary to make for a successful trip? Is eating something, a momentary pleasure which costs you money, a reasonable cause for travel? We all travel and end up and a fast food chain anyway, eating something familiar which we can order by pointing and grunting since we aren't familiar with the native tongue. Try not to order the native tongue. Also gross. I like food as much as the next guy, and probably more than the guy next to him, but I could eat at a different restaurant every night for a week and still not exhaust what is available to me within a quick drive. We believe that the rest of the world has something to offer, but a steak on a fire is going to taste the same wherever you are.

Are there exceptions? Particular versions of food available in one place? Culinary offerings on the bucket list which must be tried once and only exist in one place (I have never tried KFC and that's the entire of my food bucket list)? Places which are MORE likely to accommodate allergies or dietary needs so going there expands the possibilities of food across the board? Yes, surely and as exceptions go, I can see food as being a good motivator. But that singular dimension of travel...does it outweigh all the costs and concerns incurred? I think not.

IV. In summary

Look, you are someplace, your home base. You liked it enough to choose it to be your home base and that's just skippy by me. But now you want to go elsewhere? Is there something wrong with where you are? What are you trying to escape? Is it the people all around you? Is it the climate? Is it John Law. Where you live is probably pretty alright and you can certainly, within a limited radius, find all the experiences, sights and sounds that you could ever need. You can ski in the summer, sit on sand in the winter, see shows, eat foods and ignore the phone all without much difficulty. Let's all stop being dissatisfied with where we are and what we have and limit our travel to the few and far between exceptions.

We could save the planet, our wallets and sanity if we all just stopped feeling the wanderlust to go somewhere. You will not convince me otherwise.