A skit I wrote

 

The scene: aboard an air liner. We see rows of seats, all occupied (there should be at least 15-20 people on stage, in seats, and there should be an aisle through the seats – every once in a while, a flight attendant should walk through, or push a cart through and the conversation mostly ceases or turns falsely innocent.

We hear the tail end of the captain’s announcements about the flight time etc)

Passenger 1: mumbles prayers

Passenger 2 notices the praying and turns to his neighbor.

P2: Excuse me sir, but I couldn’t help overhearing your prayers. Are you Muslim?

P1: Yes, I am!

P2: ASalaam Aleiykum brother! I’m Muslim too!

P1: Ah, praise be to allah to put me next to a believer and not an infidel.

P2: I know, right?

P1: I must tell you this brother – I was making peace with allah as I am on a holy mission and will have to blow the plane up soon for the glory of allah and to strike a blow against the great Satan. You should pray as well so that you can go to heaven.

P2: Um…ok then. Blow up the plane?

P1: Yes. All glory to allah.

P2: yeah…

[awkward silence]

P1 goes back to praying

P2 looks over and finally taps his neighbor’s shoulder. P1 looks at him.

P2: See…here’s the thing, and it really is quite ridiculous and funny if you look at it in just the right way…

[silence as P2 struggles for the words. P1 starts to get irritated]

P1: You interrupted my prayers and for what? For you—

P2 (interrupting and just blurting it out): My mission is also to blow up this plane as a show of resistance against the occupation of our lands.

P1: What?

P2: Yeah, crazy, right? I mean, you and I both getting the assignment to blow up the same plane. It’s actually so embarrassing.

P1: Wait, what? Are you saying that you are here to blow the plane up also?

P2: Yep, that’s the gist of it.

P1: Great!

P2: What?

P1: Well, I can blow up the plane and you can be considered as having succeeded in your mission also! No one will know whose bomb it was, just that the plane exploded.

P2: But allah will know! You will go to heaven as a martyr and get 72 virgins and I will be a victim, lumped together with all the other non-believers who deserve to die. I want the virgins. Why don’t we use my bomb and, as you say, no one will know the difference.

P1: No way. The virgins are mine. I’m blowing the plane up.

P2: Are not.

P1: Are too!

[They turn away from each other with arms crossed, each pouting and fuming. Eventually--]

P2: Come on brother, we cannot be angry with each other. We must work together to find a solution.

P1: Yes, yes, of course. Let’s just consider this for a moment.

[after a series of false starts “I’ve  got it…no…”]

P2: Here’s an idea. Why don’t we blow up our bombs at the same time?

P1: That’s kind of crazy, but it just might work.

P2: OK, we’ll push our bomb detonators on the count of three.

P1: Got it. OK, 1, 2…

P2: Wait – are we doing three and boom, or just 1, 2 boom?

P1: I don’t know. I guess I figured 3 AND boom? Is that ok?

P2: Yeah, yeah sure…

P1: No, really, tell me if that doesn’t work for you.

P2: It’s fine, it’s fine.

P1: no, really. Tell me. Would you rather 1, 2 boom? I can do that if it would make you more comfortable.

P2: Would you? I would really appreciate it. It’s just that 1, 2 boom is how my father and uncles did it and I want to be part of that tradition…

P1: No sweat. Of course we can do it that way. Who am I to get in the way of an honored family practice.

P2: You are so kind. I truly appreciate your willingness on this. I owe you one.

P1: I’ll let you have a couple of my virgins. I hope that will make us even.

P2: Abso-smurfly!

P1: OK, so let’s do this. One, t---

[P3 leans over the seats from the row behind]

P3: Um, excuse me guys, but did I over hear that you are planning on blowing up the plane?

P1: Yes! For the glory of allah and to strike a blow against the western serpents who try to control us.

P2: and also the occupation of our lands

P1: yes, and the occupation of our lands.

P3: well, so, hear me out, and I know this is going to be the craziest coincidence but I ALSO am supposed to blow up this plane to take the fight to the infidel where he feels safe.

[awkward silence]

P3: yeah, so I guess you can see how this puts me in a bind.

P1: Well, we can ALL just blow up our bombs at the same time, right?

P3: You’d think so, but…well, we can try I guess. I’ll let you know afterwards if it worked.

P2: Great! [P1 facepalms]

P1: OK…one, t---

P2: Now don’t either of you try to blow anything up before we get to three. That wouldn’t be proper, now would it?

P1: You suspect me of such treachery? After all we’ve been through? I will honor my word and not push the button a moment early.

P3: Y’know, I wasn’t even considering that until you said something and now I’m thinking about it. YOU weren’t planning on going early by any chance were you? And just warning us off so you’d be the only one?

P2: No, no. Really! Trust me. I just wanted to make sure this was going to be fair.

P3: just one other little thing. Before we blow up the plane, I have to give a little speech on the loudspeaker so the world knows what I am doing and why.

P1: Well that doesn’t bother me. Have at it! You have voice for it, you know.

P3: Aw shucks, than you. I had considered a job in radio but, you know, allah and revolution and all that.

P2: Don’t I know it. I wanted to be a electronics salesman.

P1: Never give up on your dreams. I bet you would have been great at it.

P2: You’re just saying it…but I’ll take it!

[all three start laughing and eventually settle down]

P2: But seriously, if you give your speech, no one will know that we are doing this resist occupation.

P3: Maybe we can take turns giving speeches and then count together and blow up the plane.

P2: That is a magnificent plan. I vote yes on that. Who will give his speech first? I vote you because this was your plan.

P3: You are too kind.

[P3 makes to stand up but before he does, P4 stands up holding a detonator]

P4: Ladies and gentlemen – I am here to punish you all for your sins against allah so I must---

P1 to P4: What are you doing?

P4: I’m delivering a speech before I blow up the plane so that people understand why I did this.

[P2 and P3 begin to snicker and giggle]

P4: What? What’s so funny?

[P2 and P3 try to hold it together and tag team an explanation – we get snippets that overlap and step on each other – “Because he” “and him!” “and all three of us, really” “right, 3 of us” “were all planning” “this is crazy” “all planning” and then with all the cacophony, P2 and P3 end up at the same spot and say together

P2, P3: blow up the plane!

[silence. Then P4 starts to laugh]

P4: So maybe this isn’t the time to mention it, but I saw a bomb belt in the bag of that lady across the aisle when I boarded the plane.

[he motions to a woman passenger across the aisle]

P1 [in stage whisper to the woman]: Excuse me madame. Madame. MADAME!

Female passenger looks over and behind her, unsure that P1 is talking to her. She points to herself, looks over her shoulder and mouths “me?” P1 nods vigorously.

FP: Yes? May I help you?

P1: I was wondering, well, actually, WE were wondering, well, you see, this gentleman here [he points to P4] told us that-

P4: Hey, don’t put this on me

P1: but you ARE the one who told us that

P2: enough already. Just ask the lady the question. Ma’am, I’m sorry for my friends here. They, um, don’t get out much.

P3 [has had enough]: Are you planning on blowing up the plane?

[FP stares in silent horror as all 4 P’s lean in for an answer.]

[she slowly softens and starts to smile]

FP: Actually, yes. How did you know?

[high fives, back slaps, and even an “I told you so” and an “unbelievable”]

P4: I noticed the bomb belt in your purse.

FP: Why you scamp! Yes, I couldn’t find my suicide purse so I had to take this one. This is what you get for rushing into things. Anyway, I need to blow up the plane so people will see the dedication of Women to the cause, as well.

P2: This truly is an enlightened time.

[The passengers behind the woman now lean over – they have been meeting in hushed tones and close conversation throughout this scene]

P5: Guys…and ma’am? Hi. So my seat mate and I were just going through the preparations for our bomb and we heard that you guys had a belt?

FP: Yes, a bomb belt. Stylish, form fitting and comes in many colors.

P5: Where do you get that?

FP: Nordstrom’s.

[they all murmur together in understanding and appreciation “ah, of course” “Nordstrom’s, yeah”]

[the more they talk, the more they attract the attention of other passengers many of whom now also start to take out bombs]

P1: Wait, wait, wait. [he stands]

P1: Hi everyone – I’m Hassan.

Everyone: Hi Hassan (a la an AA meeting)

P1: Who here is planning on blowing the plane up?

[almost all the hands rise, the last one rather slowly]

P1: and who here was NOT planning on blowing the plane up?

[one man (OM) raises his hand]

OM: I wasn’t going to blow it up.

P1: OK, in that case, let me explain why I’m doing this. Then we will go in seat order and each person will explain his or her cause and motives—

P6: what if I don’t have a motive and I’m just a psychopath?

P7: I didn’t know I’d have to give a speech! I didn’t write and, and, and I have a fear of pubic speaking.

P3: I have heard that that is the most common fear around so don’t feel bad.

[others chime in support]

OM: ok, but here’s the thing (and he takes a plastic ghost gun and a ceramic scalpel out of his bag). I’m supposed to hijack it to help us get our prisoners back.

P2: Ha! That’s stupid. No one will release prisoners because you hijacked a plane. What a silly idea!

OM: No sillier than your dumb ass cause.

P2: [tries to charge at OM] You take that back!

[he is held in place by his seatbelt. As he is about to unbuckle it, the “seatbelt” sign comes on and he settles back in, angrily.]

P2: Not cool, man. Not cool.

P1: Maybe we should put this to some sort of vote.

P3: OK, what are we voting on?

FP: How about “should we blow this plane up or let the hijacker take us someplace awesome”?

P5: I can get behind that. Can we vote about where?

OM: You don’t get to choose. I need to land in Yemen.

[mass cries of “ugh, Yemen?” and “Yemen is SOOOO hot” and “there’s nothing to DO there. It’s gonna be so boring” and “I don’t have any friends in Yemen. What am I supposed to do?” and “can’t we go to Disney?”]

P2: Look, if it has to be Yemen that we might as well blow ourselves up now. I got my ass kicked in Yemen once and I’m not going back. No way, no how.

P6: What if we landed in Yemen and THEN blew the plane up?

[all “shhhh” P6 sits back, dejected]

P1: OK, so here’s the plan. Let’s all write down our causes on pieces of paper and then put them in a turban and pick one out randomly. That person, as chosen by allah, will have the privilege of representing all of us and making a single speech that will include all of our grievances.

[almost all eventually agree after discussion, some animated]

P8: Sorry, but I can’t go along with this I—

[he is shot by OM]

[short pause and then conversations continue]

FP: Does anyone have paper we can pass around, and any pens?

[a number of hands go up]

FP: Real ones – no detonators that look like pens or pens that open into knives or squirt acid.

[half the hands go down]

[paper is distributed as are pens. Mass writing, ripping]

Voice: do I have to write in the form of a question?

[ripples of laughter. More scribbling and whispers]

[a voice yells in pain “this pen has acid in it!” another voice pipes up “my bad. Wrong pen”]

Different voice: does it have to be in the form of a question?

[no one laughs though there is an awkward cough]

P7: If whoever had my pen is done with it, I’d like it back. It’s my favorite.

[a pen is passed across and papers start being collected and put into a turban]

P3: May I pick the winner?

P5: Why does HE get to do it?

P1: Well, he did ask first.

P4: not fair! I didn’t know we could call it or I would have first. No one said we could call it.

P3: whatever – you want to do it? Fine, be like that. You will go into the next world but I’m not talking to you anymore, that’s for sure.

As P4 gets the turban the captain’s voice is heard making the announcement to prepare for landing

P1: Damn. We are ready to land. We can’t go through the whole process now. There’s no time left.

P2: We could just push this off until tomorrow.

P7: I’m not flying tomorrow. I need time to recover from the jet lag.

P2: What jet lag? Just stay awake and blow up a plane tomorrow. How hard could that possibly be?

P3: Listen, we need to coordinate this better. How about we all meet up at a restaurant later tonight and ort this whole thing out? How’s that sound?

P2: works for me

P1: OK

[Others add in their assent.]

The plane lands and the passengers get their bags (there is the usual commotion of “I think this bomb is yours” “no, mine was in a blue bag and that’s yellow” a shout “yeah, that one’s mine”)

As they move out P2 looks at P1 and says: Well, that’s a relief. We really could have messed this whole thing up.