Word of Face

I remember a line used by some comedian in the way back when. He said "I am responsible for spreading all the new jokes -- I know one sophomore in every high school in the country." Humor was simpler back then. But his point was clear -- to spread a piece of information like a joke required a human network and the youth, with its penchant for not shutting the heck up, is an effective tool for the passing of that data.

It seems to me that now, social networking like Facebook has become the new word of mouth. All those little lines, jokes and jabs that we would say around the water fountain and which would get into wider distribution only if someone in our peer group decided to repeat them (often to his own gain...attribution skills are sorely lacking amongst the younger set) can now be spread over the internet. I make a pun and instead of having to keep it to myself (which would often be the prudent course) I can tell the world so it can appreciate my brilliance. Computers, it has been said, make human contact unnecessary. They replace one grapevine with another more powerful one. I can force others to hear what I say instead of waiting for an opportunity when they are willing to listen.

Neat, huh?

Oh, Anna

Do you think my cleaning woman knows that she has become the local bogey man, the threat by which we keep our children in mind? Right before she comes to clean, we tell the kids "you'd better clean up your stuff or Anna is going to come and clean it for you and you'll never see it again!" And eventually all I need to do is to hold up the book, paper, sneaker or such and look at the offending child and whisper "Anna's gonna get this." Soon, just the mention of the name "Anna" will be enough to get them to sanitize the house.

Is this wrong of me? Anna doesn't know that we harbor such deep feelings about her attempts to clean by stuffing everything in one drawer after she has finished folding the garbage and shining the videotapes. Am I wrong for having a cleaning woman? Are there people who use an invocation of my name to inspire fear and revulsion in their children?

I hope so.

Because I seem to react to the use of certain words angrily, I have been asked to present a list of words that bother me.

You may not use the following words:

******
****
****
****
****
***
************
*****
****
*******
*****
****’*
***-*****-****
*****
******
*****
**
*** *******
****(*)
**** ******
Episcop*lian

**** (*** **** **********)

cool things i may have seen

So anyway, I saw a UFO this evening. I was walking outside at 5:17 PM local time and I look up to see a bright light (a bit brighter than a planet but that's what I assume it is) overhead. Then I realize that it is moving slowly north. My second guess is that it is a space station or something similarly high up because it is moving slowly and there is NO noise. I watch as it dims to a small light, like a space station which has caught the sun and attracted my eye and then moves to a different angle and loses that brightness. That small light continues north and there are no blinking lights anywhere on or around it. There were other airplanes visible and this looked like none of them. Pretty weird but also, underwhelming. No weird noises, no grey aliens...none of that. Disappointing. Strange to think that even otherworldly creatures let me down. And yet somehow comforting. Dare I disturb the universe? No need. It is already disturbed.

Planning for the future

I guess at some point, we all like to sit back and dream...we think "what if I won the lottery?" Sometimes we even sit around and start to think about what we would do with all that money. Well, I was inspired by the Barenaked Ladies and their "If I had a million dollars" song to think it through. Actually, I was much more inspired by Bruce Cockburn's "If I had a rocket launcher" because it more accurately reflects my mood and is musically much better but whatever.

The first and most important thing in this fantasy exercise is to create a minimum I would need to win. I settled on 100 million dollars. A nice round number, and I figure I'd pay half of it in taxes, so I end up with 50 million dollars.

Next -- I tell NO ONE. Sorry family and friends...if I do this right, you have no idea that I'm flush with capital. I immediately hire a lawyer to represent me etc, and I never come forward. No reason to make myself or my kids into targets.

Next, I work out a spreadsheet...sort of like this:

2 million for each girl bank account to pull 2% per year -- $40,000 to pay for HS and college for each girl
10 million bank account to pull an annual 2% -- $200,000 as annual income
500K payment to pay off mortgage
1 million construction on the house expand 3 levels out (basement - music studio, library; first floor - den/diningroom/kitchen; upstairs - master suite)
1 million investment (high yield) lawyer/acct on retainer to manage funds, do PR and make payments - fee tied to interest
100K 3 new cars
1 million creature comforts (furnishings, electronics)
35k sefer torah
2 million payment construction of a house in israel
100k donation to shul to ensure hot kiddush every shabbat (off of interest) - sponsorships would become donations for operating
1 million donations to alma maters, schools and employer schools just because


This quick reckoning takes out about 21 million of my 50 million, leaving me with 29 million in mad cash to be charitable, risky or stupid with. The beauty is that I have set up investments to cover the rest of my life even without a job, and still put my kids through private school for years to come.

If you can think of other things I need to budget for (remember, I'm getting back 2 percent on my bank accounts, so my annual salary is 200k but I can give myself a raise by putting more into my endowment) let me know.

Now, can I borrow a dollar for a lottery ticket?

Episode IV: A new Initiative

Dan Rosen's Other Blog (DROB nyse) is proud to announce the beginning of a new intiative designed to level the internet playing field and protect those web's underclass.

In a move that will take the have nots and turn them squarely into haves, we have begun "The Status Project," a service which will provide Facebook Status updates to those who, right now, lack the intelligence, wittiness, or interesting lives necessary to post a truly original and captivating status. Qualified users will receive two statuses, daily, one as a wry comment on life and one as a factual recap of the day's events which reflects that that person's is, statisitcally, in the top 10% of "Interesting Lives" as measured by the "Like Button" scale, the accepted standard measure of how fascinating a person is.

No longer will Face Book be saddled with users who simply can't find the time or brain cells to post status updates or who post such comments as "I like puce" or "for dinner we are having food" or "the Yankees win."

For the price of a cup of coffee a day, users will be able to buy that coffee and even drink it. Caution. Contents hot.

Additionally, the Status Project will be partnering with a sister site "The Tweet Project" which will help candidates present timely and informative Tweets across Twitter. But, recognizing the unique nature of Twitter, we will be paying careful attention and helping users deal with such challenges as "Tweet tooth" (defined as posting more than 4 tweets in any 27 minute period) and "Addiction to Hash(marks)" -- a user whose Tweets rely too heavily on references to other people and threads.

More partnerships are expected as we continue to identify anti-social network tendencies and work together to combat their debilitating effects. Please be inspired to donate your unused status updates so that others can become meaningful members of the Face Book family.

piggy back

I'm currently accessing the internet by piggy backing on someone else's wireless network. I think that there is something dishonest -- I mean, there is a proper network all around me but the computer isn't letting me connect to it. So I am not "stealing" access -- I'm more than happy to use a legal alternative but I'm not being given the choice, so I shouldn't be made to feel bad.

So cut it out.

I feel so dirty.

Thing is, I invented this years ago. True fact. A bunch of years ago, I wondered if there was some way for someone who had an account with an ISP to connect to the internet from anywhere. Anywhere was defined as any place with a phone jack -- this was pre-wireless and dsl and such. Instead of having to worry that your local ISP has a contact number in another city, you can call a local number in any city (or an 800 number) and your login system would identify what your service is. I know it isn't precisely the same as piggy backing on someone else's network but the bottom line is that I should be getting something out of this deal.