Monday, August 6, 2007

Singing Songs about the Southland

So I'm spending a bit of time in Florida trying to get into the peninsular state of mind. The family has ended up at a lovely resort in a large 2-bedroom apartment which makes our own house look like a pile of poop. Later, I'm going to shower, then take a whirlpool bath, then shower again. Then, I may go outside, roll around in mud and do the whole thing over. Mosty because I can. I get the meanest streak in me on vacation. To get around my usual sense of guilt which comes from the knowledge that I am already paying a mortgage and utilities and taxes on one house, so what right do I hav to be paying for a hotel room somewhere else, I overcompensate by saying "screw it" to most everything. I run the water; I leave the lights on; I throw my towel on the floor. I do whatever I darn well please and eat vast amounts of whatever I want becauseI'm on vacation.

So the wife has rolled me over to the computer through the fields of dirty socks and here I am. I have to download all the pictures from the camera to the computer and relive memories that I am still trying to forget. We spent the day in Epcot center. I bought a half-yard of Bass ale and found that that made the day go so much better. I discovered the following:

1. You can't get a High School Musical shot glass. I mean, what glorifies drinking more than high school students and what celebrates high school more than drinking. It's a natural.

2. It takes a genius of a man like Walt Disney to get away with setting up food carts whcih charge six dollars for a slice of pizza. I brought my own food and felt like I beat the system.

3. All the education I gained in Epcot was lost due to the dehydration I suffered walking through the parking lot to find my rental.

4. According to my study, the only thing that Mars has in common with Norway is that both have ample supplies of T-shirts.

5. If you can get a character to break character while on the job, he'll be jailed by the Disney police.

6. The Chinese pavilion people have no sense of humor. I mean, I asked about buying a Falun Gong shirt and they started hitting me.

7. Speaking of the Chinese pavilion, do we really need to travel hours by plane, and pay for parking just to say to some Chinese college student "I'll have a number 4 with Fried Rice, hold the MSG"?

8. The cheapest souvenirs are the ones you get from other people's bags. No, honestly, I got away with just a vomit-bag from the Mission Space ride and the plastic cup which held my half-yard of beer. Of course, the kids needed to buy one of everything and then have me carry it.

9. Half the time I was categorizing women into two groups -- those about whom I felt guilty for staring, and half who should have felt guilty for having me stare at them. There is no law that says that every woman needs to wear cut off shorts and a tank top. Some people are just more presentable in other modes of extreme coverage.

10. The most common activity once you arrive is planning your exit.

Tomorrow, a horse, a horse, my magic kingdom for a horse.

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