I was chatting with a student today and he asked what I was doing over vacation. He is going away. I commented that I didn't enjoy vacations. Mostly because there is just so much to worry about. He told that I need to stop worrying about everything. And then it hit me.
I can't relax. I have chosen careers driven by timing and awareness of schedule. The pressure is always to perform at a certain level, by a certain moment. I'm not saying I like this, but I don't know any other way. Partially, I think that this mirrors life - there are always deadlines and obligations. No time to relax. Worry is ever present.
It seems like the highly rational approach which I embrace is one that, because it is rational, needs the order, structure and predictability of logic and cause and effect. The few times I have felt relaxed have been when I can somehow drop the rational me and be left with an irrational, emotional me.
Is this bad? I don't know, but I have to go and take care of some stuff.