My new diet

In my ever present quest to find the perfect diet, I have gone far afield and have looked at some of the more extreme diets. One that was popular was the caveman diet. According to it, man should eat natural, raw foods, and (I think) also has to live in a cave. The details are fuzzy. But I think about that diet and the lifestyle which it was part of and I am not convinced. Do I really want to wear an animal skin and have a pronounced forehead ridge? I think not. But, while ancient man was slaving over a hot sabre toothed tiger, there were other 'things' which existed and seemed to be having a gay old time (Flintstones reference, people. Pay attention).

Maybe, I think, perhaps, the goal shouldn't be to be the caveman, but to be an animal. But what kind of animal? At first, I thought I should try to be a lion. I mean, to be the king of the animals? And to have all that hair? Excellent, right? But I did some reading. First of all, lions live where it is really hot. I don't mind the heat, but I can't stand the mosquitoes so that won't work for me. And it's a pity because as food groups go, I'm a huge fan of zebra. Also, lions have to hunt occasionally and that requires running. Not my thing.

I thought about animals which don't have to hunt like the lion, but even if I turned vegetarian and slothful, I'd still end up the size of an elephant. And what kind of diet do I want that has me looking like an elephant? Roadrunner? Too much running. Aardvark? I don't like ants. So what animal's diet should I emulate, knowing that doing so will turn me into that animal?

I have decided on alligator. Before you ask, I'll tell you why not a crocodile. I like being American. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Think about an alligator - live in water, but sun on land. Nice. Eat meat. Nice. Sleek. Nice. Fast in the water (where I already weigh so much less...apparently is has to do with rho GH and MGH and some other letters and numbers) and quickly but apparently lazy on land.

So in pursuit of that, I will eat like an alligator. I just looked it up and I'm not the first to think of this (http://animals.howstuffworks.com/reptiles/alligator3.htm) so I'll just follow what it says to do there and I should be all set. Then I'll write a book and when people come to have me sign it, I'll eat them.

Perfect.