Meat, Eli

Eli is my nephew. We'll get back to him later.

I am writing this the next day which has not been my schedule but we learn to learn so tomorrow is now.

Nomi and I had a day. And what a glorious day it was. First stop was first station. We took the 78 bus. That's a lot of bus but she is a seasoned traveler so there's that. We got there before noon so the place was empty. After twelve there are people but I'm not a rule follower. And I don't like people. The first store was a tourist trap. Nomi had to unstick me from the glue and I didn't get any cheese. I did see a shirt there that said "I am a happy meal" and considered buying it for someone, but for 189 NIS? I don't like anyone that much. My steak dinner was 188 and was a happy meal.

Pro tip -- if you need wifi at first station, try to connect to the various wifis using the password 10203040. But if you connect to the wifi from a meat restaurant you have to wait six hours before you connect to one from a dairy place. We went into an Organic Food store to enjoy the organic air conditioning. I bought some stuff made from bamboo and from sugar so if I am attacked by a panda, dude's getting diabetes. Back outside. We played the game "the floor is lava" because that's what it felt like. It was warm out. Did I mention that?

Eventually, after walking up and down and seeing all the nothing, we went to Captain Burger. You can make all the "captain" jokes you want. I'm not doing the work here. Anyway, I chose this restaurant because they have smash burgers and I am a fan of food based violence and violence based food. I got a triple burger with stuff on it, and a Sprite Zero. Nomi got a double with less stuff and a water on the side. All in all it cost less than a tourist shirt and the shirt promised no violence. Peace sells, but who's buying? (h/t Megadeth). As in many eaterias the ordering is done at an electronic kiosk and then they give you food that really isn't what you asked for but you can't complain to an electronic kiosk so this really streamlines the annoyance. The food was yummy but where were my onion rings? I guess we'll never know. We ordered mixed fries (misfrynation?) which was ostensibly a combination of crinkle cut sweet potato fries and steak fries. Instead they gave us shoestring fries. Between bites we grumbled. I didn't realize anything was missing or wrong until I was almost done so it would have been wrong to try and get any sort of discount or revenge. Bottom line: smash burgers, they aren't not for breakfast anymore. As burgers go (which is "into my mouth and down into my stomach") this meal went very nicely. This place apparently sells 3-D printed meat but I usually get full after 2 D's and a B so I stuck with the stuff made from a once alive cow and left the technology for the next guy.

Pro fact I just made up -- there are so many restaurants at First station that all you do is chew, chew.

We walked down the tracks and turned left to Kinyon Hadar in Talpiyot (there is no fish restaurant there called Tilapiyot but there should be). We had no real need to shop but the promise of air conditioning is seductive. Did I mention it was warm?

We found a store called "Flying Tiger" and I bought tchochkes from Denmark which is exactly what the name indicated I could buy there. In the mall there is an ingrown toenail center which I find to be a really niche specialty. I mean, not everyone has toes. There was also a store called Mazi Paris which I very much misread. Why would you have a store called "Mazi Haris." Crazy, right?

Once I was thinking of Germany, I wondered how fast German supersonic jet fighters travel. I figured that they go Mach Schnell. The mall has between 2 and 6 floors of clothing stores, fruit smoothie stores, eyeglass huts and ingrown toenail clinics. I can see why it is such a hit with tourists. I came for the A/C but stayed for the A/C. I bought a large bottle of water and a box of Oreos that were labeled Parve. I think I will save them and show them off when I return to the US.

Outside to the 34 bus, which is less than half the 78 as buses go (which is into my mouth and...forget that). Two stops and we were in Emek Refa'im where I changed some dollars into shekels (poof!) and considered making them disappear. We looked into shops and walked through Bell Park. If anything ever happens to Philadelphia there is a backup bell there. We saw Jerry the Dragon. He was breathing fire to cool down. Did I mention it was warm? I saw the King David hotel, and we made small talk with a guy in an art store. He was making much bigger talk ($6,800 for a painting I liked but he said he would ship it for free. What a deal, right?) Time to head home.

As we got to the top of Bezalel, Eli (he's my nephew) called and needed us to pick something up from the apothecaryist. We turned back and went to 2 different Superpharms and a perfumeria but we emerged victorious with saline eye drops and spongy Super Floss. If a worker in Israel says that a product doesn't actually exist, go to another store. It exists. Trust me. WE made it back home without any further phone calls and I saw Eli. He's my nephew and he's a truck driver in the army. You thought the trucks drove themselves? They might I guess. But he's a truck driver.

Eli and I decided to go to the shuk. He is a burgeoning expert in mac and cheese and exactly the kind of guide I needed at the moment. I happen to be on a quest to find a good mac and cheese so this was fortuitous. I know that Wacky Mac is the gold standard (orange, really, but I know so few standard oranges) but I'm looking for a solid second choice when I'm aweigh from home. Aweigh means "without weight" and is the term for not being on a diet while on vacation. If a restaurant were to open in the shuk and serve Wacky Mac it would sell out every day. At Pasta Basta (which is Italian for Pasta Basta) I ordered the 4 cheese dish. I added on mozzarella balls and it came with a packet of parmesan cheese for me to add. I'm unclear as to whether that made it a 5 or six cheese dish or simply a 4 cheese dish with reinforcements.  It was ok but not as thick and creamy as I had dreamt it would be. I had added eggplant and mushrooms so it was basically health food. Eli got gnocchi with a red sauce (his review was "ok") and he also helped me finish my food. Wash it down with a San Miguel beer. 167NIS.

Next, to a bar (called Barbara). I have been to an actual bar once in my life and that was on an earlier trip to Israel. If you order a drink, you ask for a chaser even though it is the first thing you drink. I think it is actually pronounced חסר because it is really small.. I tried their fanciest vodka ("Beluga").  Meh. Next to Beer Bazaar for a Black Jack stout and better vodka. We struck up a conversation with an air force major named Asaf. He lived in many places, including England so he had a lot of cool accents but between them and the blaring music, I couldn't understand much of what he said. He recommended I try something called Grappa and something called Cha Cha (it's Georgian for rotgut). He prefers Irish Whiskeys (for peat's sake).

Then to Zalman's for a corn dog. They were out of corn dogs so they must have been good. Eli (that's my nephew) told me that there was another Zalman's in town so off we went towards Yaffo. They had corn dogs so we ate them. A little sweet but very nice and the stick came in handy when I needed something to break. Then to Mike's place. My previous visits were confined to the upstairs and the middle level where they hide the bathroom and washing station. Tonight we descended the remainder of the stairs and sat at the bar. It was hopping (though it might have only felt that way because of the previous drinks). They had a gluten free Stoli so I had to try that, and a Guinness because, Guinness. It was packed and still not as loud as the shuk places. Live music was a guy with a guitar singing songs I vaguely knew. I had to explain to the barkeep (a woman named Shira who spoke English with no accent because she was from New York; I never actually heard her speak any Hebrew so for all I know, she can't speak Hebrew) what a Vodka Collins is and then she made one for me. A soccer match (Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Maccabi Petach Tikvah) was on. Israeli game. Israeli coverage but the jerseys had names in English. Weird. It is both harder and easier to watch soccer after watching 3 seasons of Ted Lasso. I know what to look for but I couldn't find Roy Kent. He is supposed to be EVERYWHERE. You know you have had the right amount to drink when watching soccer is interesting. So I drank more.

Reportedly, we made it home. Tonight is my dinner with the Oshins (forward to which I am looking) and meanwhile I shall nurse the hangover with more care than I nursed the drinks.