A true Mets fan

 Here's a scary truth, but a truth none-the-less:

In lieu of the usual slate of twisted reality shows with their dashed hopes and dreams of the rich and famous, or the sitcoms of my childhood but now in rerun form, or even the movies I never wanted to see anyway, last night, I chose to watch a Mets game. This was momentous for many reasons, including my sense that when I watch, they lose (sure, the lose also at other times, but when I watch, it becomes my fault), and my lacking any TV package which allows me access to the game. So how did I turn my intent into reality? I turned on the MLB app and chosen to watch the condensed game because I had already listened and knew that the Mets had won, 16-4. I figured I would be able to appreciate an easy win, safely. They beat Atlanta which made the prospect of watching a laugher all that much more sweet. When else in my life would I be able to have such pure enjoyment? The Mets win easily, beating a serious rival and no commercials, just action. Sign me up, right?

The condensed replay, for those of you living under the influence of Arak, is the game in order, but only pitches that result in something important are shown. So no marathon at bats, no meaningless pop ups in foul territory. Only the really great plays, the important put outs and the base hits/errors. Zoom, zoom, zoom -- let's watch some runs! It is the whole game with just the good parts.

[side note -- if you have just the good parts and not the context of less good parts, you run the risk of not appreciating the good parts as they stop being special. I guss that's why professional whiskey tasters cleanse their palates with Brillo pads and when they aren't working, they prefer mulled midget blood. When it comes to a Mets win, I can watch just the good parts because they have a 50+ year context of suckage. I'm not missing out on a positive baseball experience -- how often will I get to see the Mets trounce the Braves in record time? Maybe never-often, that's how often. What do you think of that? Would you be happy then? Huh? Would you?]

So on with the rout, right? During this abridged retelling, I got to the part where the bad guys, down 7-0 start rallying and scoring runs. One man crossed the plate and then two and three. And I, a full and fuller grown man who knew completely well who won and by what score, still felt butterflies of worry in my stomache as I watched. Now it wasn't that there was some sort of compelling narrator who made me care about the characters and watch the plot unfold as I grow closer, emotionally to the players and set them up as my heroic idols. It was that I know that the universe is so cruel and uncaring, that the Braves' pact with Satan to maintain dominance over the Mets is so absolute and that the Mets are so magically and supernaturally bad that they could find a way to lose during the replay.